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OMNICELL
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Feeling suicidal

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Mar 14, 2013 12:00 pm

Ive wanted to go home. Laying in the light of God, nothing but light; Im slowly lifted through the beam of light into the heavens, away from this place. ! I truly want to die.. I always have.. The dissociative disorder protected me for many years by not allowing me to be present or feel. Possibly suicide is one of the reasons.

I do not expect my life to be long on this planet. I have no defense against suicide. The defenses were destroyed at an early age and I went into dissociative disorder. Unless I go back into full dissociative disorder and its numbing effects, I believe my time on planet earth may be short; I don't no...

This world is such a rough horrible place. I pray for no reason to stay. I have had little to no influence on the world. Possibly in the 12 step groups I have poured out messages. However, in general I have been a person that has been unseen and unnoticed.

I would like to be around decent people. none judgmental people. Im so tired of all of this. All of these people. I wanted relationships with people. I have none. The best I could do is a weirdo that no one else wants anything to do with..

Im in the middle of a huge transition. Im moving from one set of people to a new level. However, this new level is unseen. I don't know what it is or what it looks like or who is in it. Ive been here before. I end up alone. And Im tired of being alone with nothing...

I would rather be with God. I would rather die and go someone where else. I would rather leave this planet and not come back... I would like to die if I cannot live. I do not want anymore hardship. Im tired of the streets and its vicious mentality. I was thrown away most of my life. I do not want to spend the remainder of my life thrown away. Its a miracle that I am alive...

The people I have encountered in my life are horrible and vicious, regardless of how nice they attempt to act. Not all are bad. Im not suggesting that everyone is a monster. However, it seems the people Ive interacted with in my life were the wrong people and I could never find the right ones. Im still not able to find the right people. I have to work with God.

With no vision or purpose I parish! I will die. I must seek a deeper relationship with God. Something most change. I have no lower protection. I will kill myself! It means little to me to live. Living means nothing to me. I have been on borrowed time for many years. God has extended my life. Why!, I do not know. I must regain. I will parish. The PTSD problems cause allot of this.

I do not like to be alone. Alone again with no numbness... ITs like being thrown into the world with no armer...

I will have to learn how to meet new people..
--


Ive had so many losses, its crazy... I should never have lived this long. I lost all people that I valued. I valued them, they never valued me. Why am I still here! I have prayed so many times to be taken from this place. Taken from this world... I have nothing here. I am humiliated. I have been loved by no one. For I feel that love is a pure thing, it lasts. There was a few girls that loved me. I destroyed those girls and there love. Now I wish I had there love and I wish I had them.

I will have to build a better relationship with God or I will never survive. One has to have a reason to live. I have no reason..

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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