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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (957)
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- July 2019
Things continue to change
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:53 pm
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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Feeling better inside

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jun 19, 2019 11:28 pm

Im feeling better n better; as I find my identity again and hold on to it. Not let it slip; has allot to do with getting my memories back of my childhood; the original me. I was ripped away from my childhood; literally torn to pieces; ripped away by psychopaths. No one cared; I had no idea no one was safe to be around; not enough; and especially the neighborhood people I visited; they hated me; some of them; they were not my friends; but I did not know. Nor did I know that I wasn’t like by their children; a simple reason for this; I was visiting them; they did not know me; they had their own judgments of me; I did not know what their judgments were; I learned. I learned the horrible way; looking back; they were sadistic; just the opposite of what I thought of them when a child; in later situations; I would have to associate with them because I had no home; I was treated horribly; like I was a 2nd class citizen; I did not understand nor know what was going on; I was in houses full of hatred for me. In reality; I was the one that was innocent and decent; they were not; they were ruthless and evil. Simple as that. And the better I continue to frame them in this perspective the better; the better for me and the better for God; who also endured their insolence.
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As for women; I have an intolerance for arrogant women; I do not budge against them; nothing. it matters not what they look like; I don't put up with insolence from women; they need to be in their place. I literally do not put up with it; wont have anything to do with it or them if they show any signs of it; Ive opted out to be with many beautiful women because of this; really beautiful women; the kind no man would turn down to sleep with. No thanks; I wont even look at them; they make me sick; their an affront to God. ITs not possibly their original nature that is the problem; its their arrogance of using anyone they see fit simply to look good in front of others; gives them status; I don't use human beings like that; Its demonic. You would think; ya, so what; sleep with them; their hot; No Thanks; and Im getting even more ill-tolerant of them. More n more. I wont go near them.
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Give me a nice girl; Ill do fine............
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So; looks arn’t everything; Their really not; if the person inside that body is worthless and evil or demonic or sadistic in nature; a sociopathic type personality. No thanks; No attraction. Nothing; in fact it makes me sick to my stomach and I want to leave the room and never return that their within. because my values are the opposite of that. Ive had beautiful women pic me up with rotten demonic pesonalities; or try to; want to take me home and sleep with me; they come on to me like predators; Im like; You got to be kidding me? Someone with less experience might think; just have sex with them; no big deal; but it is a big deal; you can feel their demonic present; personality; its like an alligator; its a strange self centered being; like a serial killer is self centered; or rapist; its sickening; its sickening to be around them. Destroying peoples lives is what they get off on; your self preservation wouldn’t allow getting near them; in fact; Im to attracted to them. I have no feeling for them; accept to run.
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What kind of women am I left to date; really hot women because thats what I attracted all my life?; nope; no go; cant date them; isn’t that fun; but Im an old man now; so it doesn’t matter. The point is; they are un attractive and now in my life; really unacceptable; unattractive; strange even if they look like eye candy; doesn’t matter at all. They scare me; meaning; their not safe for humans to be around. Im not attracted to them.
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Anyway; Im getting more aware as I wake up; Im giving in a bit; Ive been getting hit by the wrong kind of social people; Im learning; getting beat up a bit; dominated a bit by bullies; a bit; those with no respect; and I must remember the answer to this is to leave them be; leave them alone; dont go near them; their not smart enough. So; I must get out of their. Anyway; Im finding my way.
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Im getting more inline with myself; not perfect; Ive been working with the universe; its hit n miss with the universe; I dont get it yet. Im at times getting good things from the universe; but its not what I asked for. I guess; or I did ask for it and I want more; and it has not showed up yet; I dont know.
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Anyway; Im feeling better; feeling better inside. need to be stronger. keep getting stronger.
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Im interested in the arts again; and this time Im trying to make a decision on it and stick to it; do something with my life and stick to it; do it; stop playing games; finish what I said I was going to finish; stop thinking about what it will feel like if I do or dont finish something; just do it and then feel it after Ive actually done it; not talked about doing it; Ive had this huge problem of running everything through my mind first and rationalizing what it will be like after ive done the act; and usually my mind pin points that it will not have the return on the goods. meaning; its not worth the trouble; however, I began to realize; my mind does this on everything; no matter what I want to do, my mind tells me its not a good idea because the return is not worth the work; and that everything I do or want to do; nonsense. Ive realized that my thinking is faulty; or more importantly, people do things in the real world; accomplish stuff in the real world and then feel the reward; thats how its suppose to be done; its called happiness.
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So im learning to experience things in the real world; and live again; thats the goal; Im getting the message that my brain is not the place to live; thats whats faulty about it. So; Im in the process of following through with a project because thats the only way I will know if I like it. And thats the only way I will get a reward from it; by doing the work for it; it will never come from thinking about it.
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I have to experience life and make decisions on what I experience.... ITs better to be happy then right.
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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