I never stood up for myself; to the bullies that got up close to me; and felt like they had me by the neck up close and could do what ever they wanted to me; to control me in anyway possible.
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For some reason Im starting to wake up; something his happening; the bullies I suggested from the top sentences; Im dealing with more n more; Im less afraid to fight back now... The old thoughts are not having quit the same effect on me as before; but its just starting; possibly Im going back into my real childhood and how I really felt being all alone from the beginning.
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You know you you look at your childhood or the past and its like a cartoon from childhood; everything is remembered to be nicy nice. Suddenly things are changing... Im in the middle of real change and I want to crawl under the bed and hide.
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So; possibly; Im remembering what it was really like when I was young; the stress and how I coped because I wanted it to be a fun experience and believed I was being taken care of when I was wasn't. Im starting to feel he fear of that time; of being alone...
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I was looking at someones time line and a story by one of them; FB storyline or something; and I thought; I could have been with that women in the story line that is married to this other guy. That could have been me because it was suppose to have been me but I did not follow through; I was petrified; she had a son and I could not take care of him; but I never asked the question; what did God want me to do. I thought I would get violent because of long term PTSD and I would be no good for these people; I was damaged goods and I would explode so of course the answer was no; I would not be safe for children to live with; I mean; they would be around me but not live in the same house with me; Id go ballistic and explode and talk to myself and; no way.... impossible. But what kind of future would I be for them; nothing. But the fact Im even talking about it. And something else. What does or did God want me to be... or do... I dont think I ever asked him.
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In fact; most of the problems with past relationships of women being interested in me has to do with their children who I would have to have cared about and couldn't; Not about them; I just am damaged goods; I cant get involved; I just cant... impossible; I feel like a monster... I feel avoidant and could not be present for them. Im a time bomb; I have massive PTSD problems; they cant get close to me. how could I have long term relationships with them. But I never asked God about it. And no matter what problem I had with the women; It was always; I could not have a family with her because of her kids; impossible. No toleration because I literally needed a nurse to take care of me so I could feel safe... taking care of children when I have long term PTSD problems; are you kidding me. But again; what does the universe want me to do...
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Ill keep working with the universe on this stuff.. I dont know. The first couple of months; sure. But after that the toleration sets in or lack of.
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Someone once told me; if Im not sure of going out with someone; try it for 90 days.
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I think Im feeling it; Im moving on in some areas; in all areas; a giant shift is occurring; Im being brought back to reality so I can respond to people and places and things...
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As for relationships I can always talk to the women Im having a relationship with; I mean; I cant take care of their kids and I dont have any money; what kind of a man am I bringing to the table.
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Ive never had the courage to start a family as I am or be in one; I mean; its way beyond my comfort zone. But I just might... it might be where Im suppose to be. I just might see who show up; what women. Im getting closer; Im not their yet.
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All my secrets being brought out in front of others; man o man; can I handle that. can I handle any of this. Im getting closer to find out... Ill keep working at it.
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I can feel the fear and see the terror.. Part of me is trying to come throw the other parts of me that are stopping me.... Lots of weird stuff going on in my heart and nervous system and mind and imagination. Changes... So; Ill just hang in their and see who shows up; I think Im loosing the victimhood role and its happening rapidly.
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So; working with God to become more open and meet more progressive open people or who ever he sends me. but one thing Im learning is the confusion of who he is not sending me... And those who think Im not really worth it and have shown it or proven it.... and for those I walk away; I have no other choice. And never talk to them ever again; and I wont; but I have to live with that and go out from their...
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So; what is my real road.
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Lazy and slothful of no interest in anything; CPTSD causing this lack of interest in things; Im starting to wake up and want more for my life.. And possibly; that is whats causing problems... its making me wake up and deal with the truth of where the ptsd is coming from and what to do about it. Im getting closer; I still have work to do in order to face things... im getting closer to facing something and becoming present again and healing; we will see.
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Im taking it all to God; thats what counts.
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I feel like Im half way their. I can see some openness.. I have a whole other part of me to break through; and that scares me because Ive never been this other person who has broken through. Ive never been him. As I write and as I speak; Im realizing Ive never been him.
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Im slowly learning how to allow a break through; thats what Im looking into... growing again.
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Back to God for a while
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