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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (957)
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- July 2019
Things continue to change
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:53 pm
the strange world of getting better did
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 4:36 pm
This is not going to be easy.
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 10:47 am
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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Fear zone-

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Sep 01, 2017 4:10 am

Im beginning to hit the first of the fear zone pockets!
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When I was young; when I was about 14; God brogan me my soulmate; someone I would marry and be with the rest of my life! I chickened out! stunned by my own behavior; something stopped me from being with the person I loved! and it was a giant thick wall of fear; a social kind of sickening fear; a mix of terror and contempt; a panic! I panicked! a panic attack! or a panic condition that freaked me out and sent me back into a childhood state! This situation triggered mass PTSD!
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The question is; was this break down legitimate or simply distorted information from the past appearing real! Was it just fear! Was their substance behind my " not getting involved".
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I got this fear when young; Im around the wrong people, Im playing with the wrong people; dont get to involved! When I started to get involved; I clammed up and ran off! I never came out of my shell ever again! and I wondered; why not manifest people like myself, that are introverts who like to stay in their clam shell! I stepped out on a limb like I had it going on, and then when I was called on it; I ran off! I chickened out! Scared and with true terror, I was trembling in my socks! And in reality, I had no one to turn to when I was in this state!
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Im now looking at these terror walls, for Im triggering them again; this time I go to source energy God and talk to God about them; what am I suppose to do; what direction do I go! my mind gets flooded with negatives and I want to pull back; I've gotten in over my head with the wrong people! and I want out into a better life; so I withdraw!
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I have to work with God; for I get to involved in the world and want to withdraw!
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Its like buying a car that requires maintenance bills i cant afford; I want to withdraw!
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Im feeling in affective! I feel like the president! he had good ideas until he walked into the position and realized what he was getting into; it was a vat of concrete; he couldn't move in any direction or make any effective changes because he was countered by opposition in every direction!
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The state of panic terror fear is real; the feelings and thoughts appear to be real! Its like not being in control, so I pull back! I will have to talk to God about it!
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I just left and came back from a meeting! a strange thing happened! I got something out of it I needed to hear; not because of the past or trying to solve the past, but to solve something of what Ive been feeling tonight!
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So, Im utilizing meeting to simply get out of isolation and deal with my future plans!
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I still have problems with people! I have a problem trusting anyone or throwing my personal stuff on the table in front of others; not easy, ive gotten tuff'n up to it!
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Getting close, physically close to people is hard; PTSD/dissociative disorder! and one must realize, I can tell other people this; they dont understand; the general public doesn't care! their thinking bout themselves; not all of them, but enough of them to cause my nerves to get frayed.
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So, Im slowly coming out of the " feel sorry for me" state and the " Im better then you " state! feeling sorry for myself and Pride are 2 very clear killers of my life! non of this is easy!
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One goal; keep working with God to find better people to associate with or a better life; what do I want!
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I have this problem; I keep expecting one type of people to be another! and i get mad when I expect them to be one thing and they turn out to be the opposite; I feel betrayed and yet, they never owed me anything in the first place; however, this does not mean I have to associate with them; Im not free rent! and many people will try to get away with thinking I am!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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