Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1020)
Archives
- October 2019
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Fear or what ever!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu May 05, 2016 5:48 pm

So, massive fear and terror overload! I was led on as a child into believing I had a chance; a future! it was all lies! the whole thing from the beginning was a lie and a charade! it was a charade because the people running the show were not people! and the other family members were never real family! meaning, they could care less whether I was dead or alive or ever seeing me again! they never thought about me in the first place! I didn't exist because they were destroyed young!

I was then destroyed later, I had no preparation for it! Looking back; all memories must go! All memories dealing with this vermin must go; all of it! All of it!

Nothing was real and I must start over!

I mentioned in the last blog; I do not like women! That is not entirely true! I like women that are respectable, decent and honest! I like anyone that respects me for what ive been though!

It's not that I hate personally! I hate that I have to get exposed to the kind of people that I would hate in the first place!

One of the areas that has stopped me from dating is shallowness on the part of women in general! Not all of them! Possibly, I need to rewrite this story that I can find or will find the right type of women who have the type of depth Im seeking!

ITs all very frustrating! Im sure other decent people are going through this as well! Im sure Im not the only victim out here!

Women; women will continue to be a major area of writing until I can stop blaming them for everything! And come back to reality!

The problem with women; expectations; I expect women to get inline and solute when I walk by! I mean this; I expect them to appreciate who they are talking to! But it does not happen! And that makes me that much more enraged!

People have to discover you! But what if you're starving and have nothing! You need people! But they don't need me!

Im at the point, Im starting to understand that this is not about women, this is about a much bigger problem! A global problem or state wide problem; dealing with people in general!

Ive had women attracted to me; its done no good! You've never seen anyone like me! Maybe you have! Ive had more women attracted to me then bugs to a limelight; Its done me no good! They did not look up to me; they just wanted something from me! I did not appreciate it or like it! Believe me; something was wrong; I could not sleep with these people under these circumstances! So; Im just as lonely as the guy that cant attract women! None of the women I was attracting were good enough! Thats how I see it! Possibly, I just wanted my mother! Meaning, thats all I really ever wanted; but there is no mother; just a demon/psychopath!

All the women that have liked me; its all stupid! They wanted something from me; I did not trust them!

Im not sure why women feel they don't need to know right from wrong! If a women has no decrement; Im through with her! She must know right from wrong!

Deception is of the day!

I think with women; the question is; why bother! Why bother with the women that have come upon me! Its as if Ive been alone this whole time and never attracted anyone! Possibly, the people Im attracting are not the right people!

For example; I attract one women that really likes me and trusts me; but wont stop using drugs! Everything about her seems innocent and right and she likes me! But she is just playing the system and everyone around her! If she doesn't get what she wants; she goes back to using drugs! Do I want to be around someone using drugs all the time; no! IF you ask her; she's a victim! Its all my fault!

Possibly it is; Ive attempted to attract the wrong people! The right people Im used to are out of my league! I was brought up in a false sense! I was brought up in a neighborhood of middle class people where I was not middle class! Meaning, the people that brought me into this neighborhood were fakes! They were not middle class or any class! So, they played this game! They simply bought a house in this neighborhood with no intention of bringing up any of the children in it! I was under the false impression that I was part of this neighborhood! I was not! However, I lived in it; I believed I was apart of because of proximity! However, that did not work!

Life has been a complete nightmare and Ive been close to heaven! Im a little better now! If I was not so lonely, I would have never been round the people I was around! Ive done so under Gods orders to help me come back to life! What I have is the best he could offer!

God is teaching me a lessen relative to the outside world! That I follow him and learn how to do things on my own! This means I have general support from the meetings I go to; or the therapist! However, depending on those people; thinking they are going to save me is wrong! They are saving me by being their; in the meetings! In general Im being saved; but not at a personal level! God has shown me that I learn how to follow a personal path for those things! And he is showing me how to strengthen up for such things!

Whether the outside world is a place I can trust; I don't! I learned early on; the house I lived in was not mine! It belonged to one of the psychopaths; they owned it! So, it could disappear at anytime! Be bought by someone else! So, I had no real home! Ever; or real parents ever! Or real brothers or sisters or friends; ever! It was all more TV! I believed what I saw on TV! I believed the world was what I saw on TV! I spend my time dreaming that the outside world was what I saw on TV! The actual outside world was a much different place! A much more gruesome meaner place then I had any idea about! I was so young! My life was forfeited! I was used, exploited and thrown away! It did not happen from just one group of people! It was a general senses of hate! I was thrown away!

Being found; Im now on the track to being found! This means Im getting memories back of who I was before I was destroyed! And Now Im attempting to work with God to somehow reconnect me to a time and place and life from 45 years ago! And in some cases; 50 years ago! This should tell the reader how powerful of a destructive explosion existed! This was like a nuclear bomb, as they used to say 40 years ago! Im now starting the trek back to myself and my life!

It's a good thing; being at a point of going back! It means, I made it through the last phases!

The parent system I came from; the father figure used us; meaning, he took her money, made it appear to be his own; would take us down and buy us a bike! And make himself out to look like a wonderful father figure! This did something for his narcissistic ego driven corruption! He did not do this for us; he was living through us! Or worse; I would not say this! It was more demonic! It was has if he told his wife to rent us or steal us from some place; as if we were toys! And he was playing with toys! Our lives were toys! When he bought us something; he was buying a bike for a toy! It was as if he was playing with us the way you would play with a snowmobile! Something you rented for the winter; used, then took back to the rental shop after your ski trip was over!

It was like they were on a ski trip; a summer vacation renting children to make the whole thing look more authentic!

The question is; what do I do when I find this out! Real scumbags are not going to tell you this; it would ruin the authenticity of the lie! Its that barbaric! The point is; my life was completely destroyed! But I did not end up a criminal or a drug addict on the street, a rapist, a serial killer! I end up nothing but a broken sensitive middle class child with talent and intelligence! I ended up with massive mental illness from all of this!

And I am now reversing that mental illness and I am now regaining the middle class identity with Gods help! And it is without the people of the past! And I am regaining the same middle class goals!

Im learning that all memories of the past are just that; thoughts! There is no real past; there is massive PTSD worlds that infiltrate my thinking allowing me to think Im in the past; they take me over, my whole mind and brain! And Im starting to understand that everything is coming out of my mind making me feel unsafe in the present!

Every-time I think about a goal for the future, my mind reverts back to the past to a time of being controlled! And I see the faces and here the voices of those from the past telling me Im no good and I cant do anything with my life; why try! I was meant to do nothing!

Although these destructive voices from the past are strong, and they reverberate through the hollow core of my nervous system; I know they are in twisted within! Its all internal! It is not reality! Just feelings created thoughts or the reverse! Its all thinking; nothing more!

Today, I have the freedom of understanding that today does not equal my goals for tomorrow! What I manifest in my mind today creates my tomorrow!

Im now solidly interested in the base process of creating goals in my imagination that will turn into my new reality for tomorrow! Its hard work; very hard work! I have to practice being imaginative every day, and watch the subject of my imagination grow!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 2242 times

Who is online

Registered users: Allcoulors, ArbreMonde, Bing [Bot], CinnamonRoll, exul, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, justonemoreperson, Majestic-12 [Bot], MSN [Bot], OlegFut, Tyler, Wally58