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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1021)
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Fear of the real world!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Mar 03, 2017 2:03 am

I write blogs about the fear of women, the fear of soulmate, the fear of social! The fear of certain activities like creating music and art; and the frustration of never really interacting with music and art enough to go anywhere with it!

I write allot about my interest in women; I post pics of the women Im interested in! I do soulmate searches; where its safe and come up with all kinds of theories of who I want and why! However, when it comes time to deal with the real world! I collapse and run away! Im like nerd that has never been beyond a test tube! its all very hard! Im stuck in a little imaginary world; a closet where its safe! and I keep blowing it with every women that might like me! I never get close! I never allow anyone near me that might be someone I like! Im trying to break though it! breaking through this anxiety with the women herself is not the way to do it! better to write about it and get over the anxiety and fear somewhere else!

I am working with God to align my life correctly with him; this helps; with the idea that he brings me and someone else together! however, at that moment! I take over and question God! and wont work with what God brings me! I get scared and pull back and refuse to go forward with the women he brings me! then he brings me another and another and another, and non of them are good enough for me! yet, these women all cared about me! and cared about life! I chickened out because I did not think they were the right women! I ran off laughing as if immature! Im trying to get this to stop! Im trying to! Im trying to get into a normal relationship and bring my life back to normal!

Who do I date! who is God bringing me! usually, I would like to go out with someone that really likes me! and that is the hardest part for me to believe! I always think they have different motives! nothing is honest! thats the way I think! I never give anyone a chance! I find something wrong with them and stay away from them! and its driving me crazy! theirs always reasons I refuse to start my life! I don't seem to have any reason to start my life!

Im trying to get a reason to start my life! have a reason! have a reason to be inlign with God and myself! and possibly this is the problem! a war of doubt sits between me and God! I want believe! I get mad at God and resentful at God and refuse to trust God! Im trying to trust, trying to trust God!

And I feel like; Ok; here we go again! God is bringing me another women that it goes nowhere with! Im so tired of everything going nowhere! I want God to take it one more step so I can trust again! and I guess Im going to have to get out of the way and believe in God and allow him to do his work and stay out of it!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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