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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Fear of relationships

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Mar 17, 2013 11:15 am

I have a bad case of "fear of relationships... " I dissociate out! I cant get near or close to what could happen if I go out with someone. Im not in control. I need to be safe. I don't feel safe around people. Im getting closer to the answer. Im writing about it, thats a start!..

Im always finding reasons to be scared to death of people; to bring them into my life. I forget they might help not hurt. Its the interaction that freaks me out. With the right person things could be OK. However, they are never the right person. They are not perfect. Ive been told to never judge or I will judge someone out of existence. I have great dating fears. horrible unbelievable anxieties. AVPD and everything else. My mind is weak. How can anyone except me as I am. Yet, I have to put myself in those open situations to find out. I need a new state of mind. A new view of things.

I do not feel worthy with women. I do not feel good enough. I feel porn is about as far as I can go. It seems safe... no people are involved. The walls of safety are keeping me in a prison.

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I lost a future not to long ago. I lost someone that would have been my wife. I did not loose her to a man. I lost her to an ideology. She came from a wolf pack, and a wolf pack is all she knows and all she will ever know ( she is with someone else now) She never understood that she had to standup for her feelings and join me. I never understood that I needed to sweep her off her feet or I would get nothing. She would not follow me. Instead she stayed with the pack and found someone to replace me. She loved me, she did. She loved me with all of her heart. However, Not all of her heart belonged to me or her. Her heart had been stolen by the wolves that ran her into circles, that garnered the idea of supremacy. She was offered a position of high status within the wolf pack. It was either the status or me. She choose the status. She was a good girl. This was all she knew. She knew no better. I will always lover her. I was shocked by the love she had for me. She gave me every drop that was open to her.
I hurt her and that bothers me to this day. Im talking to God all the time about her and what I did. I will be learning much from her even though she is gone. She was the greatest women I ever met. she humbled me to my knees and I loved her so much, with all my heart I did. Now I must say good by as God has and is revealing the truth. It is the truth that sets one free. It is so hard and painful. She is slipping away from me; her ghost.

She will never know any other way; only the wolf-pack-way. God has let me know, if I choose to go back and take her, this is fine with him. If I am strong enough, I may do as I wish. However, He knows as I know this will not happen. It is her heart that has been stolen from me; stolen by her own choice. She knows no better. It is better that I leave and trust God. If God wants her to come back, he will bring her back. However, I do not think such things will occur. I will say good by at some point. She is slipping away, separating from my nervous system.. Like a ghost walking on a ghost ship.

I am a better man for these experiences and for meeting this women. This women taught me that people do love me unconditionally in this dark forsaken world: it does happen! It does happen. It happened because God is on my side and has allowed such things.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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