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https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/fear_b-12911_sid-0401ac4ba6f820ab8bee697247e51168.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Fear |
Im scared; Im scared of abusers coming back; Im scared of meeting them in different forms. Im scared of them or anyone like them. I don't want any part of it. nothing . Im still full of CPTSD. . Im better; but a deeper part of me is still not healed; that part of me from 9 to 13; its a rough area; where I was thrown away. Im trying to deal with it so I can move on. . I have to let go of a girl I loved when 14. That has been very hard; I don't understand; I feel like Im leaving her or abandoning her. I abandon her once and I so wanted to go back and grab her and love her and it was to late and Ive felt guilty ever since; I led her on and created a relationship with her then abandon her and feel strange about it because its not me; it was the CPTSD. It wasn’t me. I was reacting to a psychopath at the time. I could not explain it to her; but she moved on writing me off; as if I was a weakling. She did like me tho. But I have to get a grip on letting her go; her memory has be a holding pattern of stability for my reason to live; or memory; without it; I felt like I was nothing. I loved her. I still do; but its a memory I love; its like Im in love with a PTSD aberration and have not been able to get honest about it because of my status hit; without that memory Im nothing. Im starting over with nothing; its as if by losing her I got thrown out again into nothingness; so I was thrown away again over n over n over. Part of me is with her and not me and I need me back please; Ive sold myself to her and she split; Now Im half of who I was; Im trying to get over this and move on. Its extremely hard; but Im stronger then I used to be and think I might be able to. ITs been 40 years; still; Im lucky that I can even talk like this and Im not a vegetable in a retard center somewhere. I missed my oportunity to be a winner and that humiliated me to the point that I could never get over it; I lost my chance at winning and having a better life and I want to blame anyone anywhere; but it wasn’t my fault; it was the CPTSD; but I dont want to believe that; but it was. and thats the problem Im trying to get over; if I believe it was the CPTSD; I come to grips and acceptance of the situation and move on; and I dont want to move on; I want one more chance with her to make things strait; I want to win; feel good enough to set the record strait so I can feel like a man; and deep down inside I want to know she’s OK. But I know she OK; but she needs me and needs my love; she wont be OK; but I wont be OK unless I have her back to love and to love me; I really screwed this up and I have to admit it; and its hard; really over searingly hard. its so dam hard for me to admit this; I screwed this up; I wasn’t suppose to make a mess of this. that wasn’t in the plans. I dont like that part of myself; I was not suppose to be like this; this part of me wrecking my future; Its out of fear; the child in me running to hide and trying to go back ward to when I was very little in the town I came from; in a better life. Im trying to get away from that child and grow and grow out of that alter; put that alter in her place and move on with my life. thats what needs to be done. And this makes me dissociate when I talk this way; its almost 2 much for my system; My system and me are not inline with each other; we seem to be at odds with each other. And Im trying to break loose of it. . Not liking myself while around others or having opportunities with others is a form of dissociation; I cant stay present enough to have my choice of thought when around others; why would I want negative thoughts about myself while around others; why not confidence thoughts. However, bullies that hurt me when young; they were confident; so; I dont want anything to do with them or to ever be like them; I down want to think that I have to become like them to be a person. Im scared to death to become like the filth that tried to destroy my life. . Im also seeing that I cant go home; no place to run; like I had as a kid; I miss that so much; my home; it scares me that I cant ever go home again; thats all the child in me wants; to go home and put this nightmare to rest. So; I have to work with the universe for a home; Im not sure why the universe is taking so long. . So; I dont feel like Ill be OK if I dont get her back. Im to scared of whats in front of me; I have nothing; and that scares me more then living in the past. but I know if I live in the present I can have something; but Im playing games with it; Im allowing the alters in me to take me down; or the critical voice and I want it to stop; and when this happens; and I start getting that pulling tug a war; I let the other side win and don’t fit for the right and Im not sure why; accept I feel like Im giving in to abusers; so I go passive, But when I want to fight I dissociate and Im not present anymore to deal with it. So Im tying to stay wake. And as i write this Im fighting right now to stay here now; present. Its sucks. But Im getting stronger . Im getting better and want to get better; my thoughts betray me; without going to those thoughts for validation; Im no body; nothing; thats how it feels; Im just another loser on the streets that went nowhere in life; that sucks; but maybe I need to deal with it. Ive worked with the universe; I dont see the girl coming back any time soon. You never know; I dont understand the universe. . So; I have to start over again; but to do that I have to work through the idea of starting over; when I say Im starting over; I dissociate. . So; Im getting it; Im trying to deal with the past and the offawl feelings of the present; having a loser life; thats all I see in my head; I dont see anything else. its like Im brain dead worthless; and so; Im trying to get rid of those thoughts; not allow them to take hold of me; and they’ve had a horrible hold of me; its like the critical voice represented as a movie; its a movie showing up in my mind; Im trying to get rid of it; its got all this past proof of me being a loser victim; and I dont know what to do about it; meaning; I have to get rid of the PTSD; stop focusing on it; but then new negative thoughts come in on top of other negative thoughts; layers and layers and layers of them until Im so freaked out; Im shell shocked by my thoughts. they’ve got a hold of me and I feel like a loser for not being man enough to deal with my own thoughts; why would I want to keep the lower thoughts over the upper better thought; I must be a bad man a loser; and thats what Im dealing with; its like a giant brainwashing based on fear of; do what I say or else. This is whats running my brain. |
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