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Fear and trauma

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Nov 28, 2017 1:37 pm

Specifically, as I got older from 4 years old, I ended up in a nursery school, and things seemed OK; I had problems with being able to concentrate on anything! I remember! I was 5 years old! This is a form of dissociative disorder PTSD; its from earlier abuse!
Later in the first grade, Im being thrown away! In fact, Im already being thrown away in nursery school! Im gotten rid of! in the first grade, something is missing; Im missing! no one is taking care of me! Im just their! I see other kids making plans! I cant, I have no one to make plans with! I decide to have friends! I did not know at the time, I was desperately reaching out for anyone to cling onto! I did not know! Unfortunately I pick the wrong people as friends; and I will pay for it later! They were rich kids; I did not know what that meant! later, I will understand when its made quit clear to me that Im not one of them; this is after being used by them! and they know exactly what their doing from the start! Im a latchkey kid! They know it; I dont know it! their parents know it; I dont know it! They are not friends of mine and do not want me around; but I dont know it! The families I associated with; they are not fiends of mine; I just show up or I call! They are not friends of mine! they look down on me; I dont know this as a child, until things go wrong; then the information of how they really feel about me comes out! Im not considered one of their fiends; and Im not considered part of the neighborhood I live in. Im shut out! Its made clear that the lines are drawn! Im not one of them; I am to stay away as if I was never invited! I came from the other side of the street! In complete confession and sorrow, I go through this!
In reality, I have no one; but I dont know it! In reality, Im living in this house on the edge of a street with strangers, but I dont know it! they are evil sinister filth and I dont know it! they are not human! I am not wanted; I dont know it! no one is telling me! they are play acting as if everything is normal! They go as for as trying to teaching me small things; how to use a lawn mower and a few other things; a complete joke! that is all I got; a few small things! at the time, I did not know anything was wrong with with learning these few small things! The sociopath psychopath does not tell you; they wait! They are spiders looking for the kill! They lead the victim on, then pull the rug out on them! And that is what happened to me! Its not a game! its death! they do not operate on any other terms!
I was fooled when child! Its as simple as that! I had no future or life and no one would be looking after me as a human being! I got all my knowledge from watching TV; soon, at the age of 7 I began to complain to myself that something was wrong; no one was looking after me! I was in constant fear or insecurity! A kind of fear terror! it would get worse! My father would go skiing! he would take me when young! I did not know! he was not doing this for me or my interests! He did not have anyone to go with; no one wanted anything to do with him! it was easy for him! and he had planned it that way! He was using me and others! He was using his wife money! He had none; but I didnt know this!
What I didnt know; I was being thrown away! I was thrown away the day I was born! but I didnt know! I never really had any relationship with my brothers; I thought I did! I did not!
In the end, by the time Im 9, its over! After my father left! the psychopath I was left with begins to bring strange men into the house! I matter not! She is making plans; plans to move! I will left behind!
When your dealing with psychopaths; things are absolute! they are not human; so, when your thrown away, its for good! they never look back! their not human! I spent years trying to understand what happened to me and why! I did not know that it was very simple! I was used and thrown away and thats that!
I had no future! At that point of being thrown away, I went into massive traumatic shock! brutal! and more dissociation! I could not function! I never came out of it; things will get worse!
The community does not help you; it continues to abuse you where others left off!
I did not know I would be one of these people; a throw away or abused! The psychopaths hid it well! They had done this before! They knew what they were doing! they were exploiting children, using them, leading them on and dumping them!
Im trying to deal with this break in reality, and what I lost at the time; its like a bad dream, my early life, that never happened! meaning, it must have been a bad dream and now Im waking up here in my apartment!
Ive never had a mother or father or anyone else or family; nothing! The remaining family members I grow up with; One is a full sociopath the other is something in between; they are not my family anymore; they are strangers and bad people! They are thieves; stole all the inheritance from my mother and father! They have no connection to me because Im not a sociopath! They are monsters in their own right; at least one of them! I could not understand why they never went for help; my brothers! and now I realize why; they were broken from a very early age!
I had dreams as a child; all was destroyed! I understand now that I was never in a position to have dreams; it was never safe!
Im struggling now to wake up and understand where I belong and where to go and who to be around and what to do besides drift in n out!
Im a drifter! I dont know where I belong; i dont know anything! I tried to go to school when young; it was a horrible failure! I flunked out of most of my grade school and junior high and high school years; I was to protective! I could not function because of trauma! no one cared! I was moved around from house to house to house! I lived like a foster child in complete shock and confession of what had happened to my life! it was complete destroyed! Looking back; I was simply gotten rid of at an early age; thats what happened!
Im now attempting to learn how to mend the gap between the ages of 9 and 14! Im attempting to get the past memories out of my system; stop focusing on them and create something new in its place; this has to be done with Gods help! I work with source energy to mend these things! PTSD causes great problems!
The fact Im a drifter; Im trying to stop it! Its not about location! I've been in an apartment for a long time; but its not a home; I dont know where home is! I dont belong in the small town Im in; I dont know where I belong! I dont know anything about where my identity belongs!
Im trying to heal this part of self! this part that is lost! I dont know where to go! I went back to my home town; but I never had a home town; I was here with these psychopaths and then thrown away and thats all their is; their is no home town! I have not reason to be here! nothing!
I dont know where I am suppose to be or who Im suppose to be around; I dont know anything! So, Im trying to find out! work with God to find out where I fit in and with who!
I'm have success in the recovery process but no friends! most of the people are average people that dont understand me! or they understand from a superficial level; no one close! Im not their to have close friend! I not sure where I fit in; so it matters not!
I went back to my home town for security reasons; trying to hang on to something, anything! but it was made clear I was not wanted by anyone! And it was made clear I was never apart of any neighborhoods or anyone in them!
Ive tried to get recovery and hang on! I guess its working, Im slowly heading back up to a more solid view of things; its slow slow going through this level of horror and trauma, that the recovery process is touching! very slow! I have no idea what Im doing here in this town or why Im here!
Im working with God to wake up and heal and find purpose!
Art has been something Im interested in completing! Id like to make art and put it in a gallery! I think this would show some stability!
So, Im in this small town;
The problem has been identity; who am I! I have these early pictures of myself created by the false fronts thrown in my face when young, of a middle class person! in reality, nothing could be further from the truth! I was not middle class or any class; I was a throw away, later I will be part of the trauma class of people! I do not fit into anything else!
Most of my middle class interests come from TV; other then TV I really had nothing else! I was used! I was driven around to different peoples house with this fake sociopath who tried to make other people think he had it going on! the horrible damage it causes me; I thought I was a apart of the general cultural level of the people I was visiting! I did not know, I was with a criminal who was tying to fake people out! He would find rich people or wealthy people and befriend them as if he was wealthy! it was all fake, false, contrived! He had nothing; he was a sociopathic rapist; not of children but of women! He was using children; he would take them with him that he look respectable and normal to these rich people! unfortunately, I thought when very young that this was real; I thought these were his real friends and connections; so I thought I lived in a stable background and had a normal life and normal future! I had was lead on to believe everything was normal. I was lead with purposeful aggressive disregard for my upbringing! I was being used and exploited with no other purpose then to be randomly used! This sociopath/psychopath would leave at some point and never come back! I had to live with him at a later date; legally! I had a breakdowns! Now, I know why! He was a sociopathic potential serial rapist that no child should ever be exposed to! These type are pathological liars and worse; anti social paranoids! no conscious or remorse; nothing!
So, I never had a chance! Now, Im trying to forget the past or work through the past and get rid of it! but its hard. I had created identity from those years! I got most of it from the hopes and dreams of watching television shows!
I got my upbringing from Television! nothing else was real! I had nothing else; everything else was false! The problem is; TV gave me hope and promise of a better life! but I was never able to create a grounding for myself! I had no grounding, no foundation! Im not sure who I am or where I came from!
Living in a small town with my problems is a joke; most people think Im a driver and a wierdo, or think Im some educated intellectual middle class person! or they think Im some sex pervert anti social maniac that wants to blow up the world! Or they think Im scum filth that is not good enough to enter their precious homes! Small towns are hard places; their good for recovery, but the locals can be murder on ya! They can judge you and go back to their nice homes; it hurts them not to tear me to pieces with relational aggression! When your from a trauma background; it feels like you are apart of your own world. The rest of the world doesn't care that you exist!
So, Im attempting to get the lies from the past out of my system; and to get rid of what I remember from being around the psychopaths! I have to get their interactions out of my system! I learned things from them; the wrong things! They could never be trusted and I was to young to know this! And in this time period of trust, I was around them; and wish I had never been!
I could not reach out for help because I didnt know I needed help! They kept things quit until I was abandon! it was planned by them! They know what their doing and why! its about power for them against society; at least for my father! for the female psychopath it was different; she had no human characteristics!
The point is; Im in this small town and I dont know why! I have no family or purpose! My only purpose is to get better through the recovery process and thats not a good enough purpose to be alive! I would like a life! So, Im trying to create on on paper and use the laws of attraction and God and source energy for help!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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