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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Fear and practice

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Apr 01, 2014 5:47 pm

So, Im at the meeting this morning!

Someones (Meeting-birthday) today!

This one women sees me when I enter the room! Im taken back because she is looking at me. She smiles at me, she's about 10-20 feet away! it caught me of guard... She does her little intimate girl wave! Im not all that comfortable with her obsessions! She likes me a little to much! Tells me she came to get her omnicell fix for the day! Honestly, she's not really attractive, so it freaks me out! I suppose Im shallow! but what can I say! she's not my type!

Next:

a few girls notice me! and Im next to the door! and this one women stands up, and she starts walking toward me, and I can see that body just moving in me! and I notice the man next to her, and he's staring at me, and I know that stare because married men look at me this certain way when their wives look at me this certain way!

She's up, and moving in my direction, and her pretty chest is bouncing and unfolding put firm and extended! and her hips are hypnotic, and she's moving towards me and I don't have time to think ( I can't think) and Ive seen this before! its attraction! and this attraction is heading toward me like a food addiction looking for a piece of vanilla cake! ( Im the cake); Nasty girls?

She brushes up to me and says my name and says hi! very close, and very intimate, and looks strait at me from 2 inches or less!
-----------------------------------

So, the birthday girl sees me and puts her sweet little paw up next to her neck blouse and finger waves as her eyes are hiding behind her hand.... and that was cool; thats like saying ( IM IN)! very nice!

Then the other girls next to her look over at me. They are smiling! One invites me over to site by her ! know the other; a hot little number and she starts talking to me and wants me to come! She points to the seat next to her and smiles me to come over! Its a small click group of girls at the end of the table. They are sitting next to the birthday girl!

I declined; she was pissed of; its funny! she's married, so I really would rather look at her then talk to her... She can be a stuck up b@tch; two faced!

The one nimble little teacher way on the other side is checking me out, and keeps looking at me! she hot kinda nasty! I tried to tell her about my mental stuff when I was walking with her at the reservoir and she makes some comment that I don't seem like I have problems. F#ck you! Ive had death problems for 30 years. Idiots; I never talked to her again! she can't figure it out! Da! What good is a masters degree if you can't think! bling!

They always want to judge after you do all the hard work!
-----------------------------

Right now the girl that hurts the most and is making me cry a bit is "M"! This girl connected with my soul 8 months ago, and I could not respond because of dissociative disorder! I tried; Impossible! and she put up impossible barriers to get close to me! Put she wanted me from a deeper level, a love me level. Im so f%cking pissed off. I almost had happiness! F@ck this!

Well, You know how beautiful women are; the ones that stand out in the room with the most status with the other girls; they get the attention; those girls that get the strong men! Those girls that get the best men in the room; the girl the other girls are jealous of; She is one of those...

Now, I attract the best girls in a room! You might think this is good. Well? Not so fast! Its not that good. Its scary. You have no idea of my competition. Sometimes my competition is scary!

The girls I attract have many men suiters after them ( they are the strongest best looking guys in the group)! so I have competition. the problem; the girl must be deceptive in a way! I hate this deceptive nature stuff,. Its part of the courting process. I suppose a girl has to deal with many men hitting on her. I am ownered! I seem to be the first pick of many beautiful women that Im attracted to; I luck out I guess... looks are not all that important after awhile! I see through it!

OK; I get picked first, it freaks me out! Im not used to being liked so quickly, but when girls (like-you) right from the start; your in! ! I mean they pick you right from the start as soon as they enter a room or building or what-ever area your in! And they pick a few other potential guys as well. Its quick with them! its split second stuff! When a girl likes you , it never stops, ever!

Im shy, and can't respond; that does not stop the girl, that just fuels her more. I have seen girls look at me like they got flash lights in their bat eyes... They look like wild animals in the dark looking to feed! with a smile and missile focus, they are looking to feed on me!

I wish I could respond! I can't! Im learning and trying, and I don't think the girls understand this!

The problem is; sometimes they love me; they connect with the child in me! its their child connecting with mine!~ and this is the beginning of problems! The connection is real and this freaks me out! and I want her so bad! It really hurts... But by the time I finally feel safe and can attempt to get close, she is taken by another man! A man thats been seeing her and hitting on her from the beginning! I was her first choice, but what does it matter! And she is allowing him in slowly as I am slowly banished out! If I hit on her; she's mine. but Im not able to! Then its to late, she's with someone else!

Ive had girls throw a fit in front of there boy friends because I never hit on them. They see me and start yelling at me; " I thought you liked me", or, " You never really liked me did you"! They are enraged and frustrated and their body language is all over da place! and the boyfriends are 10 feet away. What the ###$ am I suppose to do. Did I force her to say yes to this are guy; this ( Dude)! is it my fault she is with him. Did I put a gun to her head and make her say yes to him! I guess the girl doesn't see this!

Does she really think Im going to walk in and break her up with her new relationship! Im not breaking anything up! Thats f@cking madness!

Its goes both ways. If she is going to make her ego more important then being with me; she won't be with me! and Im not saving her from someone else; Im backing out the way I came in and saying goodbye for ever!

I don't put myself into harmful situations!

My problem with this; Why are they with other boyfriends if they really wanted to be with me! Its not about me, its about them! and I just walk away and never return!

Another problem with beautiful women, I mean strikingly good looking women; and this is something men don't see and are not prepared for! Babies!

Biology and women are about babies! and the men that don't know this get caught in the trap of this!

Ive seen many women who attract many men; end up happy and pregnant in a very short time; these girls have great status with their girl friends groups, but the boy friend is sitting at the bar half scared out of his wits, drinking down his last beer not sure how he got succored into this! Or what he's going to do!

She decides to keep the baby! he's now trapped for ever! its over for him. His playing days are numbered.

I could have had many children by now! I got caught in it a few times when young; not anymore! I have no children! My mind left and I was not here anymore!

OK; lets see!

The girl that likes me has other guys interested. If I do not respond, I will loose this girl. I did not respond and I lost this girl and she genuinely was headed in the direction of loving me and she is now with another man and I am looked at with contempt. I am looked at like an amateur Immature harmless mindless looser not ready for a girl! And Ive been treated like someone that can be walked over! The only way to stop this treatment is to tell this girl to stop associating with me at all levels.

She is with the special forces military bodybuilding combat marine all the girls dream of! She has all the status in the world with her girlfriends, now, I wish she would leave me alone and quit walking by me like she's superior and Im a little boy not capable of having a date!~ I get it rubbed in my face every time Im neg'd by these people; Neging; means purposely ignoring someone when you walk by! Like the other person is of no value or importance. And it really hurts and causes some concern.

I know I didn't respond to this girl in time; I understand that. But now she is abusing me and using the muscle of her boyfriend for protection!

The boyfriend was coming up to me like we were friends. He did this for awhile. secretly he was trying to scope in on me to get me out of the picture because he and her were secretly smooching each other!

Its all very sad for me! I Really liked this girl. Now I feel violated!

I wonder what other girls God is going to bring me to practice on !

Im getting closer to responding!

-----------------------------------

So I attract women of all kinds; thats great! really, nothing wrong with that. I do not attract everyone. I have been lucky to attract the girls I am attracted to; and thats great, you could not ask for anymore then that in this life! However,

The girls I attract are in 12 step meetings! they know about me! the other girls or older girls have told them about me! They know Im safe, they know my economic hardships! and Im accepted their!

The problem; Im also educated; I have a degree in business and fine arts mixed! Was heading to Graduate level classes when young, but my mind went out! 25 years later I find myself waking up in 12 step groups. The people in these groups are not artists and Doctors. I need more educated people to surround with!

Would I be accepted in middle class land; maybe, but I would be putting up with much rejection.

I had this one teacher from a big city call me a looser and bum; someone going nowhere in life! but she wanted to sleep with me. She wanted me for the whole week because she was lonely! I could sleep in her bed for 2 weeks and be fed and taken care of, then dropped of back home! but Im a looser regardless; and she did not want the truth or gave me a chance to defend myself!

Will the general world accept me the way I am. I guess I won't know until Im out among them. I hate rejection!

I think I need to become independent and strong and take chances! Stronger relationship with God!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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