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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Fear and acceptance...

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Aug 30, 2012 1:13 pm

Im beginning to talk about my mother and the explosion that destroyed me... She was the atom bomb creator and she is the one who lit the fuses to those bombs... She is a sociopath/sadistic... this is what sociopaths do... People are just inanimate ponds to these people... Sociopaths have contempt against anything human.. They consider humans weak.. sociopaths are not of the human race... or, they are of another form or breed of human...

My mother figure was smashed when she was very young... There was nothing left of her personality by the time she was 5.... She never knew this... Its creepy to talk to people like this as they think they are free and natural... They have been strengthened in this life.. They are simply stronger then others and better for it...

I talked to a women once who told me she loved her mother and her mother was her best friend. It was her mother that made her strong... This girl was a sociopath.. she had lost her kids to the state for the last time... She was going back to prison again!... Her mother had or allowed her to be raped every night for 10 years... The girl never understood that her mother was a sociopath that had turned her into a sociopath.. And its impossible to tell these people what they are...

-----

I talked at the meeting.. ITs very hard... Very strange.. as its another voice.. its the voice of a 9 year old disguised as an adult...

I told of my story of a vicious sociopath mother that left me in impossible situations; to much for a child. I had nowhere to run or hide... It is bombs like this that destroyed me... I was never ready, nor accepted this to happen... My mother turned into another person.. She was a man hater and a child destroyer... She hated kids...

Now Im a freaked out adult... My mind is gone.. or its so ruptured that I cant stay present... I am freaked out when I wake up to when I go to sleep.
My brain system has figured out a way to hold things together... However, my mind is not allowed in reality... It has no strength... It cannot take any reality.. It must see things from protective perspectives... It must.. I have seen and been through to much...

Im hoping to get better... Better to the point that I can stay away from troubled people that want to cause me harm... I love people that have been broken and need love... I don't like the predator; that is different..

most of the people around me serve a purpose of keeping me alive so that I am not alone.. However, from there perceptive, they think they are important movers and shakers in my life.. they are not.. They are around to keep from being lonely, nothing more...

---

Im surprised Im not dead.. Life for me is a place of sadness and fear and rupture... yet, with Gods help I am staying afloat... My mind has seen to much and is in a constant state of shell shock.... my mind is very week and ruptured... The rest of my body carries my mind... My mind has seen to much and been through to much sorrow... It does not function anymore... I have to have other parts of the self carry my mind...

The world has not changed. It is still abusive , ruthless and ritualistic... Nothing has change... Now, I have to watch innocence in others destroyed and I cant do anything about it... This is why I have a relationship with God or I would have hanged from a rope along time ago.... Yet, I am more then my damaged mind at this point, so, I would not be hanging from a rope, as other strong points are carrying me... Parts of me are steadfast...

Im looking forward to the point that I am less lonely and can stay away from less desirable people...

And I continue to pray for the little girl that was given away to the state... She is actually a person of great quality born into the hands of monsters... The whole system is a monster.... Nothing is safe in this world....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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