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fake friends and no girlfriend

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Feb 10, 2020 11:07 pm

I had no real friends when young; only a few guys that lived up the street to the left; south side.
I did not know that I had no fiends. I thought the people on the north side were my friends; I was wrong; they never liked me and most did not know me more then 2nd grade and I went to their houses; they never went to mine and I never knew; thats what hurts so much; it destroyed my plans. I never knew I was not wanted or liked.
I had one friend who lived up the street; but he was not my friend. He did not come to me to be friends; I went to him; he went along with it. It was fake. It is hard to deal with when I realized I meant nothing to him; He was not my friend; he was no friend; it was all fake; all of it. all of it; all of it. all of it. Fake... I thought of him as closer then a brother and his family; and thats where the problem lies; I do this with everyone. And in reality; non of these people are my friends; They are perfect strangers and I mean nothing to them and they see nothing in me and no value; thats why this is a problem.
I hate that another person faked me out; I hate it. The whole world faked me out; no one cared about me or cared what happened to me; I had no friends. I had no one.
This friend that lived up the street; the fake friend; the problem was; his house was solid and is family system solid; he did not need to be deep friends with me or have me as a best friend; what I didn't realize was; he thought of me as trash but smiled to my face the whole time; even as little children. It was all fake; all of it.
Im trying to get over the fact their were no friends; I was in a state of dilution about all things; and all people; the only reality I had was Television shows; that was my only way out.
I had no parents; it was a lie; that was a lie.
I had no first girlfriend. A. girl lived up the street. I needed her. So; I went to her after meeting her; I never said she was the right girl for me. I made her into the right girl; but in reality; she said I meant nothing to her. How can this be. How can this be my soulmate; Impossible..... This can't be my soulmate; nor can this be my best friend at the time or a girlfriend or any friend. She was not my friend. Something else is wrong here. she was a sociopath; that is closer to the truth and I fell into it. And that is truly hard to admit; because I thought someone wanted me for me. But in reality; no one did. I was supply for awhile; supply to play with.
no one wanted me... ever; never has; no!
Getting over the girl from the past is hard because I loved her; but its not real love because no one really existed to love. I made her into someone to love; but it wasn't real. Thats the problem. She showed signs of pathology; Thus; no one their to love. But I had convinced myself that God had brought my soulmate to me. I remember the feelings and everything; and I was wrong? Then what is right? nothing seems right no matter what direction I go.
I have a history of making all the people around me into people that love me or are my friends when no one did or does or cares... nothing. I was always in a dissociative state. and I would like to admit it and get on with my real life.
I keep trying to make myself out to be someone Im not. I hate it; I can't live up to it because I did not come from anything. Im so very confused...
I tried to reach out to people; many people with no avail; nothing worked. no one liked me; I was being used or I was a stranger....... And that is the truth that is so hard for me to deal with.
The girl I loved when young; How can I love someone who said I meant nothing to them and showed signs of pathology at some point; impossible; who ever I loved did not exist;' nor was my interpretation of who they were. IT was all wrong; I was being used and fooled. I was around the wrong people. all of them.
The 2 biggest people to get over were the friend that lived up the street when young and the girl that lived up the street when I was 14. I have to get over both; it's horrible; they were all I had left. their was no one and nothing left. nothing. However, in reality; I went to these people; they did not go to me. They did not want me as their friend nor did they ask to be my friend; non of them. I went out of my way to be friends with them. Not the other way around≥ 
If I leave them be; they turn on me completely as fast as possible and claim they never knew me or liked me and I have to some how move on from this.
I have to move on from a false past of relatives that never existed that never were. I was brought around relatives when young; but they never wanted to meet me; they were forced to meet me. They wanted nothing to do with me. if I had not been forced around them; I would have never met them and they never wanted to meet me ever for ever. They never wanted to meet me or want me; or ever see me or see me again. So; no relatives..... They are not my relatives; But when young I was led to believe; so I believed they liked me and that I had grand parents and cousins and aunts and uncles. I had nothing and never knew; but later it will come crashing down. I had no one.
I had made people and places into things and places that I was never invited to or apart of; ever. No where to fit in; nothing; I had no idea when young. I was falsely being protected. So; I believed for a few years I was like everyone else; In reality; I was no one....
So; Now Im trying to come to grips with all of this....
I don't know how to have any friends.
Ive never had a girlfriend. non of the girls that have liked me; Im not interested; not after how they've treated their past boyfriends or how they've treated they children; Im not getting near them.... And with so many years of loss of connection with people; I have no skills dating anyone. ive got knowledge and nothing else.
I was being played by the girl up the street when I was 14. I was being played like any guy that would be played by a girl who was lying about who they were. well; actually they never lied about who they were.
The problem with the girl up the street; I meant nothing to her; she was playing me like a snowboard on a bad day. I mean; their was nothing but sunny skies and 90% weather and she was trying to convince me to go snow boarding in the mountains in the middle of July; So; as you can see; that is a false statement; meaning; their is no snow in the mountains in the middle of July; So you see; its a " play"; someone is trying to sell me a bill a goods that don't exist. She was playing with my emotions.. Their was nothing real; she had an agenda to get a boyfriend. I showed up; chased her a few times; chickened out and left. but I made it into something huge when their was nothing their. My problem is the way I viewed this; it was completely dissociative and delusional. Nothing existed the way I claim it did. and this won't be the first time; it will continue into the present. Im in a dream world.... and Im trying to come out of it so I can get something out of this life; something real.
I stay away from many women that are sociopathic in nature; they claim Im scared of them; the truth is; I see through them and saw it from the start and I walk away from them... I ghost them from the start because I ever meet them; I I can sense it; and I move on from them...
The goal is new thoughts about myself and working with the universe too create a new person within me with new positive thoughts about things. I think on a guidance scale of emotions I would rate; frustrated about most things. I can't seem to get further then my apartment door...

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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