Our partner

User avatar
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
Posts: 1036
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1236)
- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

+ May 2021
+ April 2021
+ March 2021
+ February 2021
+ January 2021
+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Expressing my feelings

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm

Im starting to see that expressing my feelings on specific closed subjects is starting to open up the fissure of deep contempt thats been glued shut within me.
While working with the universe and writing new stories about my life; the idea is; the stories I write; I write as if Ive been living it for a year; I then make an imaginative phone call; one in my imagination to a friend of mine; Actually; he's calling me telling me how cool it is; all these things that have been going on for a year in my life; he was praising me for it. Then I praise me and he repeats what he saw for the year. Anyway; different forms of manifestation techniques. Nothing new; all on youtube. Ive been doing this for a while now. Started several years ago; but its picked up lately.
And I found myself in my imagination and the universe began to move within my imagination; going back into my childhood; then moving from a scene in my childhood to a vacation spot in my childhood. that vacation spot was a place of safety; I remember it; from their the idea was; start creating stories from that safe place in my imagination and that age; and so I did. Or at least it kind of felt that way. And one of those stories was of myself and my Asian soulmate finding our selves at that vacation spot; renting a cabin.
From their we moved all over the area; walking and talking and searching; from their; I started writing more of how I felt; and later; I found myself at an original vacation spot as a child; a few days ago; and I went with a group; and I started roaming around the area.. like a small child. Much the feeling of what I would do when a child at that other vacation spot.
From their; I started writing more blogs about women; and getting more honest about the fear of not having any women; and what went wrong or was wrong; why don't I have any women right now; and Im opening up and being more expressive. And I noticed something; When I was a child and present; I was more expressive; like Im starting to get now. I was secretly expressing myself in my own private world; no one knew about; and I never told anyone ever.
And now I'm doing the same... Im doing the same thing on this site... Im expressing my deeper feelings about what I want and how I feel.
What am I suggesting concerning women; I don't have a mother anymore; and never did; thats what it means; its the Childs way of saying I have no mother; thats what it means when I say women don't want me or see me. What does that mean; it means Im letting the world know how I felt when I was being abandon; that means; Im feeling safe enough right now to tell my story of abandonment with my mother; and its the child speaking; and that is new for me...
I remember expressing myself as a child and my father would be their for me; but now I know better. He was their for me because he was literally at that house taking what he wanted and i was at that house so it was easy for him to be their for me; it was all a lie. IT was a sick kind of fair weathered friend kind of deal; but I didn't know it; He would be looking to use his wife and split; and thats what he did.
The point is; I was expressing my feelings in a house that I felt safe. And Im feeling safe now in several different ways and starting to express my feelings again. ITs a start; and Ive notice that I was blocked off concerning women; and the reason; The time period I would have talked about women and my mother; at that age; I was cut down... and all things got cut off within me; my childhood self was shut off....
So; the more I open up the better; Ill keep opening up.
As for women; Ive found many women that are cute; but our personalities dont match. And its frustrating, I can attempt to sleep with them. But it wont go any further.
So, I would like to meet women outside the groups I attend that fit my personality...
Lately Ive been letting bad people get near me; sociopathic narcissistic women that have caused harm in the past; their acting friendly; Im trusting God and watching things. Im watching them; their behavior.
The problem is; taking it to the next level with other people.... Im not their yet; still hurting from what happened in the past; Im now starting to open up a bit more from the child's perspective; being thrown away brutally and how it feels. Not how it felt. Im starting to open up and deal with it. I was literally beheaded out of existence in many different ways by monsters who should have never have the right to be around me in the first place; makes me dam mad because they set me up from the day I was born to play psychopathic games for their thrills; then when the joy ride was over; they split.. ITs that simple; they went off and found others to manipulate and I was forgotten about as if I had never been born. So; now Im talking about it; Im under Gods care...
So; I have to keep taking things to God/universe....
Getting physically close to women has been non existent; and now I can see that its because of my mother and being abandon completely and abandon by my father and the whole physical area of where I lived as if It never happened; as if I never lived their; that my living experience never existed; and I was never born. And that is pure death aggression by these psychopaths; they dont play games; they go for the throat and kill; thats what they want to warm up to; killing things... if they can get away with it.
And its hard to describe this level of horror; to be dishonored like this as a human being; I cant describe it.
Its a horror dealing with this horror. Its so hard that its almost impossible to ever see it directly; what happened to me. I have to dissociate to see it or feel bits of it; its to much reality to deal with.
I am getting better; and Im getting better with people because I have support and I can now practice with others. Its hard practicing with others because I have to listen to them and act like nothing is wrong with me and Im not tending to my wounds; I have to concentrate on their wounds and them and be alert and then stop them when Ive had enough; politely and move on.
It will get interesting when I slowly move out into the public..

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 1788 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], DanielPeAby, deathnate4, Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Grassweeds, kittylover, robdogood, Snaga, Terry E.