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OMNICELL
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Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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   Thu Sep 12, 2019 6:22 am
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   Tue Sep 03, 2019 4:33 am

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Expressing my feelings

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm

Im starting to see that expressing my feelings on specific closed subjects is starting to open up the fissure of deep contempt thats been glued shut within me.
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While working with the universe and writing new stories about my life; the idea is; the stories I write; I write as if Ive been living it for a year; I then make an imaginative phone call; one in my imagination to a friend of mine; Actually; he's calling me telling me how cool it is; all these things that have been going on for a year in my life; he was praising me for it. Then I praise me and he repeats what he saw for the year. Anyway; different forms of manifestation techniques. Nothing new; all on youtube. Ive been doing this for a while now. Started several years ago; but its picked up lately.
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And I found myself in my imagination and the universe began to move within my imagination; going back into my childhood; then moving from a scene in my childhood to a vacation spot in my childhood. that vacation spot was a place of safety; I remember it; from their the idea was; start creating stories from that safe place in my imagination and that age; and so I did. Or at least it kind of felt that way. And one of those stories was of myself and my Asian soulmate finding our selves at that vacation spot; renting a cabin.
From their we moved all over the area; walking and talking and searching; from their; I started writing more of how I felt; and later; I found myself at an original vacation spot as a child; a few days ago; and I went with a group; and I started roaming around the area.. like a small child. Much the feeling of what I would do when a child at that other vacation spot.
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From their; I started writing more blogs about women; and getting more honest about the fear of not having any women; and what went wrong or was wrong; why don't I have any women right now; and Im opening up and being more expressive. And I noticed something; When I was a child and present; I was more expressive; like Im starting to get now. I was secretly expressing myself in my own private world; no one knew about; and I never told anyone ever.
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And now I'm doing the same... Im doing the same thing on this site... Im expressing my deeper feelings about what I want and how I feel.
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What am I suggesting concerning women; I don't have a mother anymore; and never did; thats what it means; its the Childs way of saying I have no mother; thats what it means when I say women don't want me or see me. What does that mean; it means Im letting the world know how I felt when I was being abandon; that means; Im feeling safe enough right now to tell my story of abandonment with my mother; and its the child speaking; and that is new for me...
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I remember expressing myself as a child and my father would be their for me; but now I know better. He was their for me because he was literally at that house taking what he wanted and i was at that house so it was easy for him to be their for me; it was all a lie. IT was a sick kind of fair weathered friend kind of deal; but I didn't know it; He would be looking to use his wife and split; and thats what he did.
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The point is; I was expressing my feelings in a house that I felt safe. And Im feeling safe now in several different ways and starting to express my feelings again. ITs a start; and Ive notice that I was blocked off concerning women; and the reason; The time period I would have talked about women and my mother; at that age; I was cut down... and all things got cut off within me; my childhood self was shut off....
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So; the more I open up the better; Ill keep opening up.
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As for women; Ive found many women that are cute; but our personalities dont match. And its frustrating, I can attempt to sleep with them. But it wont go any further.
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So, I would like to meet women outside the groups I attend that fit my personality...
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Lately Ive been letting bad people get near me; sociopathic narcissistic women that have caused harm in the past; their acting friendly; Im trusting God and watching things. Im watching them; their behavior.
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The problem is; taking it to the next level with other people.... Im not their yet; still hurting from what happened in the past; Im now starting to open up a bit more from the child's perspective; being thrown away brutally and how it feels. Not how it felt. Im starting to open up and deal with it. I was literally beheaded out of existence in many different ways by monsters who should have never have the right to be around me in the first place; makes me dam mad because they set me up from the day I was born to play psychopathic games for their thrills; then when the joy ride was over; they split.. ITs that simple; they went off and found others to manipulate and I was forgotten about as if I had never been born. So; now Im talking about it; Im under Gods care...
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So; I have to keep taking things to God/universe....
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Getting physically close to women has been non existent; and now I can see that its because of my mother and being abandon completely and abandon by my father and the whole physical area of where I lived as if It never happened; as if I never lived their; that my living experience never existed; and I was never born. And that is pure death aggression by these psychopaths; they dont play games; they go for the throat and kill; thats what they want to warm up to; killing things... if they can get away with it.
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And its hard to describe this level of horror; to be dishonored like this as a human being; I cant describe it.
Its a horror dealing with this horror. Its so hard that its almost impossible to ever see it directly; what happened to me. I have to dissociate to see it or feel bits of it; its to much reality to deal with.
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I am getting better; and Im getting better with people because I have support and I can now practice with others. Its hard practicing with others because I have to listen to them and act like nothing is wrong with me and Im not tending to my wounds; I have to concentrate on their wounds and them and be alert and then stop them when Ive had enough; politely and move on.
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It will get interesting when I slowly move out into the public..

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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