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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
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Everything Ive been working for; starting show up

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Mar 21, 2021 11:31 am

The last or final signs or the first of the final stage of this stage are showing; but theirs another stage beyond this one; a whole newer stage... Can I even think about being in it with dissociative disorder; I dont know.
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My whole point of recovery when I started back in 2008 was to move forward. At that time I had been on social security for 8 years; purdy much thrown away... I couldnt function.
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I was re diagnosed with Dissociative disorder and CPTSD/DID...
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2012; I started I think... Something; or 2010; I was completely mentally ill. I got a hold of dating material and studied it. Did this for 6 years and started to attempt to practice it 4 years after studying it; I could hardly move. I could not hold a conversation with anyone; I was to ruptured; the fact I even tried.
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I went through scores of women who were interested in me. But of course impossible and they didnt know I was mentally ill; they found out and they backed off and were gone gone gone lightening speed. I got worse and I got better.
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I got better in the recovery process; I learned more about recovery; My PTSD condition got worse as I was being more n more triggered.
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The whole point of my recovery began to take shape; First; full amnesia; so I had no plans except for the pain to go away.. not much else accept to learn how to interact with women again as I could not remember anything; my mind was so damaged.
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In 2014 I stabilized and God brought me a new mother and father; to fill in the blank sleet between my eyes.... meaning; my brain.
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I studies law of attraction coaches... specific ones.
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A new goal began to emerge. Art and women.
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I was able to dress for women but not talk to any of them. zero; Impossible with the level of dissociative disorder; could not get within 100 feet of anyone.
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I began to learn and take chances and slowly years after painful year of exposure; began to lessen the daily minute by minute freeze or flight mode... or PTSD triggering. all day long; thats all it was; so I stayed away from people; could not interest with them; pure freeze mode...
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Finally after several years of practice over n over n over; completely disabled in these areas; I began to show signs of interactions...
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I went through several women that took interest in me from a fair; but as soon as they got closer; I pulled back; they got the message I was mentally ill and got out of their; they did not understand nor were the type to care; they hooked up with other men.
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As I got better; more women showed up; and I tried to get close to them; could not; even if I finally could maybe try to get close to them once; I pulled back in anger and stayed away from them.
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At some point; with more work and practice I began asking women out; I got that far... I had studied; new how to hit on them just right; hard like a shark; get that number; and I did and it always worked.
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The problem; several; I was mentally ill and couldnt function; yet I was asking women out. I would ask them out; but never follow through nor talk to them about it; Id just leave. never come back.
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most of the time the women caused some kind of arrogant problem and I would just leave. This before any relationship started.
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I wasn't making out with anyone or sleeping with anyone or going out with any of them. nothing.
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At this time I met some women who were soulmates but In could not follow through; I was like the walking dead... One of them literally jumped me; as Ive mentioned all this in numerous blogs before this.
the point is; no ability to respond. could not; they were forced to move on. I still got mad that they did and found other guys very quickly.
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Suddenly more women and I would see them on a daily basis but could not interact with them. They wanted me for years...
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They would ask me for sex or want to have three sms with me and or want a baby.. and date me of course.
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Now to the present.
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The whole point of all of this interactions from the beginning was for one thing; After I began to wake up from amnesia; id say back in 2014-15; something like that; about 6-7-8 years ago; well; 6 years ago; Something. As I trained my brain with the laws of attraction and success based thinking and was still going to therapy; This helped my memories to come back a bit; not perfect.
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I began to remember the house and the girl in the house; my first love; she had been a cut off memory of horror and sadness and pain that finally split off and distanced itself through amnesia; I remembered their was a girl; but not to close please; I was not allowed any further within my system. Amnesia covered everything like a white paste.
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Soon; small things begin to show up concerning the girl; my first love; As I developed and went back into my house on C street; or Jesus did; taking me back through it and my severed childhood began to return to me; so did the memories of that girl. I was still in pain over her but could not remember anything about her; Amnesia would not let me.
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I began to realize what had happened; the psychopaths had gotten a hold of me one morning before I went up to her house and tried to verbal destroy me concerning her with horrible sub human treatment verbally; accosting me completely.
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I was so damaged I could not respond to her anymore; nothing; I was distanced from myself and I could interact with her but it wasn't the same; I could not function around her anymore...
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back into the present in recovery; I knew that if I could get a new girlfriend; be able to walk up to women; talk to them; interact with them; ask them out; have a girlfriend; it would be the equivalent of being able to walk back up to my first loves house interact with her the way I always wanted to and end up with a relationship with her; a working one; thus showing that I had moved on from the house of the psychopaths... That I had established new relationships and was no longer under the control of the psychopaths whip. I mean; that in a sense was always the original goal of being around her; my first love. I was establishing my own independence and God set it up that way.
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Within the recovery process I met women I could not respond to because of my condition and lost them.
Knowing how dissociative disorder affected me and my inability to respond; all I could hope to do was freeze; I lost more n more women who were interested in me...
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However, several years of new recovery work and help and creating a new narrative within my imagination of my first love; Me interacting with her in my imagination; things have started to change.
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But what I was looking for...
What was I looking for.
I had successfully created soulmates in my imagination and I saw them showing up. But I could not talk to them.
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Finally last year another one showed up and after 5 months with Gods help; I ask her out on the steps to talk to her; I was short and sweet... And I was done.. that was all I was suppose to do; take out a bunch of people on the steps and start talking to them one on one. and I did. Just a few conversations.
I talked to this young women for about 7 minutes... However; I asked if she wanted to write a song with me; she was not interested; I walked away. The reason I asked:? to see if she wanted to spend time with me. She brushed me off kind of. Anyway I let go of that situation; later she started dating someone right in front of me. I decided that was enough. I never talked to her since; made me sick to my stomach. One time I ran into her; she was shocked; took a deep breath; turned around and went back the way she came.
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I saw her at some recovery meetings; I decided again to leave the meetings and not come back...
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I just came back a few days ago to those meetings; she is no where to be seen... maybe she is gone for good; I dont know ...
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I knew; that if I could talk to the women who originally wanted me or wanted to date and marry me; from the last several years; if some how I could get better in my condition and be able to attract some of them again only to sit next to me and talk; if I could talk to them again; I knew it was only a matter of time before I could get my independence from the psychopaths of the past that still ruled my nervous system..
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Tonight in a room with 50 people; 2 women that used to like me came and sat down next to me. I held my own... I was not so defensive this time; much more out going... but still with my trauma problems.
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So; They sat next to me... and I was less defensive... I was a bit shocked they came and sat next to me....
So; I did something un purpose; and its really the most important thing Ive done; I simply tapped her on the shoulder; or swapped her shoulder with my hand; I looked her in the eyes and told her; I was feeling de realization. I did it in a way that was intimate... She said I was suffering from being un real? The point is; I tapped her on the shoulder and then responded to her; talked to her; and told her how I felt. I told her how I felt. I told her how I felt; thats what important. And she had wanted to date me marry me....
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So it begins... Im now able to turn to a women that liked me or was interested in me and tell her how I felt about something.. And I introduced the idea of talking...
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If I could have done this when young I would have moved on and married my first love.
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The whole gaol of interacting with women was to prove I had the ability to go back up to my first loves house; knock on the door and start that thing over again; walk in; re romance her and this time do it right by telling her from the beginning; I liked her; wanted to spend time with her; wanted her as a girlfriend and not just a friend and go out with her; date her; kiss her; put my arm around her; make out with her; establish her as a solid girlfriend in the face of my mother... letting go of my mother and becoming independent; and this is after what the psychopaths did to me to cripple me again destroying my independence...
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So; by being able to go back to the girls that liked me; to be open; open enough for them to feel safe enough to come sit by me; and I; enough courage to open up to them and talk to them and tell them how I feel about something; this is the same principle of opening up to my fist love and telling her I like her; it changes the course of history; thats what it does..
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Im working with God and Ill continue with all of this; heading down the right direction.
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Let me say I also have aggressive confrontations with lots of people at these meetings; psychopaths that are bothering me; bulling me confronting me; stalking me in ways; several people that are 2 faced that are not my friends but calling me their friends; or Im calling them my friends... and they are using me or manipulating me out of hatred... or jealously. they dont care about the truth; Im being used as if a second class citizen.
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So; Ive got my hands full in the recovery process; its not a nice people if your me... So; its taking its toll on me stress wise. non of the work I do is easy on any front; nothing. Im dealing with manipulators; treacherous people; betrayers; lairs cons thieves; you name it. Plenty of fake people; evil. plenty of people with BPD problems... all kinds of problems.
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Its taking its toll on me.
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At many times I feel I will never have a girlfriend. Ill keep working at it; so far Im not impressed with what I see.
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I have no idea how Im going to attract anyone... I dont know. God will have to bring them to me. Im not looking to just attract anyone.
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Im looking for 2 things. First; the ability for me to be in a relationship when I have such a problem with reality and a hard Time with connection with anything in the world or with the world.
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I was working with a plastic model kit this week; and yesterday I could hardly do anything with it; Im to fatigued... I cant move; its like freeze mode; cant move; cant connect.. I act like I can; but Im really not present. I have a very low threshold for connection; meaning low ability... not high... nothing. Its where my mind is damaged and cant or want allow connection to the world; I can see it with my eyes but nothing more; Im not allow connection. I might write a blog on it; ive been so damaged.
And then with this level of sensitivity; I want a girl friend who could damage me... turn on me. So; Im trying to get the practice to get strong. possibly Im not getting anywhere but strong. or experienced.
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I still feel all alone; Im not around My People. I dont know that I ever found anyone that I fit with; nothing.
Im working on it.. Im working on the connection with God... Im not sure I get it... Ill keep working with God...
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So; in a sense; what Ive prayed for all this time is coming true. Ive successfully learned; at least at the beginning stages to interact again with women that liked me in a serious way. Ive accomplished this task. now; I have to believe God is going to bring me the right people for relationships... Thats the next stage and the hard one.
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God has brought women that are attracted to me; were they capable of relationships; NO! but they were capable for practicing a nautical amount of experiences. So; the next stage is working with God on find or attracting relationships. This is different. Im not even sure how to ask for that... or what that looks like.
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That means strengthened connections in the outside world; NO GAPS; It means over flowing into the real world to connect and the ability to connect. And its in those connections where the challenge is; that moment of connection; thats the problem because Im weak and massive dissociation occurs. its wishful thinking but the truth is; Im not sure I can come out of my protected dream state to even be able to thinking in terms of showing up for connection. Ive got to have massive grounding experience and beginning connective experience; ill pray about it and work with God on this..

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Im so very freaked out by PTSD and getting close to people; making real bonds is almost impossible; thats the problem. Im coming from a place of miss trust... and non inner connection...
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The work Im doing is working but its volital especially from the places Im getting the recovery; its ruff; the people are brutal; and ruff; but Im doing it; I have to keep working with God on it; let God bring the people and places and things I need to reconnect...
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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