April 2024
March 2024
OKEY
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Progress in working within my imagination concerning my first love.
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Ive been able to
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1. Walk up to her house knock on the door grab her hands tell her I love her and God loves her
2. Ive now been able to give her flowers from my hands to hers; and heart shape boxes of candy and flowers
3. Ive been able to write on the envelope that this is a love letter for her; take it in both my hands and give it to her... she takes it opens it and reads it. puts all the stuff Ive given her; puts it on the table behind her and comes back to me.
Technically; that was was goal; its taken 4 months... If I had the ability to do this during the time I knew her I would have married her. Being Able to do this in my imagination is the start of being able to do this with another women in the present when I meet her... This gives me the independence the psychopaths took from me... This is about getting my freedom in the real world now... I have to work for it; and it is giving me hard earned freedom in the real world; but I need more practice of it in my imagination until it becomes so real I dont have to work at it. I come back to myself again.
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Other goals with my first love re narration within my imagination in first person point of view; I will sit down with her and tell her why I had problems telling her how I felt; I will tell her Im damaged goods and ask her if she still wants me... or I have any place within her future. That always scared me when I knew her; meaning the real girl when I was young... it scared me to tell her I was damaged person but I was a good person... I didnt think that would ever be enough.
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I have to honer God and do this if God is ever going to honer me with another love.
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The girl from the meetings that I fell in love with; BUST; Went know where. It bothers me why I allowed myself to fall in love with someone that was not safe. I was living in a dream world trying to make this half sociopathic cheater who is lawless; trying to make her into a nice girl. Its like taking a spider and making it into a pet; letting it out of its cage to come and lay on my open arms...
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lll learn. I hate this tho... but Im getting over it; and I'm trying to move on right now. and just consider the issue dead and move on... She slept with some alpha Male several months after I met her; she started dating him; so; Ive been in some kind of suspended animation concerning her; Its been a 16-18 months... She was actually gone a few months after I met her... off with another guy. I never talked to her or got close to her; she spent to much time getting the attention from other guys. I wanted nothing to do with it; but when she started dating someone new right in front of me; it was then red flagged for ever; done. but Im still trauma bonded by her.. Im getting better; slowly coming out of the spell... So sad. but I hope I can now move on. Ill keep taking to God about it. until can... Im actually their. I may start new meditation on a new person... Man; that was close.
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I pray and im on my face and knees praying about everything all day long. could do more.
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Music;' working on heading toward my first lyrics to memorize. Will be the first time. Havent been able to do this or even attempt it or believe in it or that I could do it for 35 years. Ill keep at it...
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Could loose some weight; lots of it... Ill keep praying about that. I seem to not care; but in the end I wish I could. but wont try...
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character is what builds self confidence; but character has to be built... and im looking into what that means...
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My older brother who passed away; Ill be keeping him close to my heart; I told God I didnt know how to love him when he was near to me in life; but he was so close; he was staying with me for a while; so close; but I didnt know any better... So; Im asking God to teach me how to love my brother and be close to him and keep him close to me in my heart until it is my turn to die and go to heaven where I will see him again... He will be close to me in my heart from now on and I will pray about it everyday until the day I die... I will love him and keep him close to me in my heart and my soul and my mind... I will pray to God for alignment.
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