So, Im seeing more n more of where the pain is coming from as I make a transformation back to freedom!
My God; freedom is painful! Im feeling the pain under the dissociative disorder! It hurts so horribly! Its horrible! Intense!
ITs like having a thousand people a 10 thousand times; run you over and abuse you; over n over n over! I assume this was causes by my mother and Grandfather originally! All caused from abuse!
Im feeling so much pain! Its like a thousand knives going into my heart! But I can feel! But I don't like what Im feeling! It makes me want to throw up! Its horrible and way over the top! Im overloaded; Im overdosing on abuse pain from every angle and time period; all hitting on me at once!
This is keeping me from getting close to women that want to sleep with me! I cant sleep with them if I am like this; its sucks!
Im tired of this! I want to sleep with all these women! They want me; I want them!
I see evil; I see what happened to me; I was betrayed and lied to; I did not have the friends I thought I had! They were liars; and now I know! All of them; in every direction! They were not just Godless! They were Evil! They were Godless and with direction of evil!
I was with God! And I was ran over and destroyed over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over!
And now Im feeling these tread marks on my heart! Or the deepest part of my heart! Im puking from the pain of it! Its horrible; it goes down into thickness! Its thick with horror and contempt and pain and sorrow and fear and terror! I was terrified! And terror is the name of this! Horror and terror!
I was destroyed and abused! And the base of this is my mother; I and with no remorse to inflict pain on young children! I must have been a whipping post of abuse; for her and many others when young! It is all built up in me and coming out!
There is no right place to deal with this! Any place; as long as one is in recovery; is the right place to deal with this!
The positive;
Im dealing with the pain that was inflicted on me at all times by my original family; but it's coming out around people in the groups! this is a positive thing! it's not isolated with the abusers! it's coming out and triggered around a room full of people in the recovery process! it means, it's not isolated with the abusers where I am stuck and alone! and this is great news! the problem is the pain and the nature of this!
I must keep working to get this out! Get it out until Im well! Or well enough for sanity to approach others! And ask for what I want!
All of this abuse pain keeps me from others! From approaching others!
And I have asked God for help and the ability to move forward with relationships and activities! And this is exactly what is happening!