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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
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   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Emotional melt down!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Oct 30, 2015 10:07 am

So, Im seeing more n more of where the pain is coming from as I make a transformation back to freedom!

My God; freedom is painful! Im feeling the pain under the dissociative disorder! It hurts so horribly! Its horrible! Intense!

ITs like having a thousand people a 10 thousand times; run you over and abuse you; over n over n over! I assume this was causes by my mother and Grandfather originally! All caused from abuse!

Im feeling so much pain! Its like a thousand knives going into my heart! But I can feel! But I don't like what Im feeling! It makes me want to throw up! Its horrible and way over the top! Im overloaded; Im overdosing on abuse pain from every angle and time period; all hitting on me at once!

This is keeping me from getting close to women that want to sleep with me! I cant sleep with them if I am like this; its sucks!

Im tired of this! I want to sleep with all these women! They want me; I want them!

I see evil; I see what happened to me; I was betrayed and lied to; I did not have the friends I thought I had! They were liars; and now I know! All of them; in every direction! They were not just Godless! They were Evil! They were Godless and with direction of evil!

I was with God! And I was ran over and destroyed over n over n over n over n over n over n over n over!

And now Im feeling these tread marks on my heart! Or the deepest part of my heart! Im puking from the pain of it! Its horrible; it goes down into thickness! Its thick with horror and contempt and pain and sorrow and fear and terror! I was terrified! And terror is the name of this! Horror and terror!

I was destroyed and abused! And the base of this is my mother; I and with no remorse to inflict pain on young children! I must have been a whipping post of abuse; for her and many others when young! It is all built up in me and coming out!

There is no right place to deal with this! Any place; as long as one is in recovery; is the right place to deal with this!

The positive;
Im dealing with the pain that was inflicted on me at all times by my original family; but it's coming out around people in the groups! this is a positive thing! it's not isolated with the abusers! it's coming out and triggered around a room full of people in the recovery process! it means, it's not isolated with the abusers where I am stuck and alone! and this is great news! the problem is the pain and the nature of this!

I must keep working to get this out! Get it out until Im well! Or well enough for sanity to approach others! And ask for what I want!

All of this abuse pain keeps me from others! From approaching others!

And I have asked God for help and the ability to move forward with relationships and activities! And this is exactly what is happening!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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