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Author:  OMNICELL [ Mon Dec 11, 2017 7:36 am ]
Blog Subject:  Ed Gein and a problem with mother

Ed Gein, the psycho killer had a problem with his mother; He worshiped her because he had no other life! and in my opinion he was damaged in the adolescent stage and never return emotionally or mentally from it! I can relate to this pressure! Thankfully, concerning Ed Gein, I dont relate to anything else!
I now what its like to be pulled out of society or yanked out of it and be all alone until I go mad; much like Ed Gein did; Day after day, month after month; year after year! The only people you ever see are the ones in your head and the locals that handle life just fine; they were never damaged throw away teenagers or children! They got what they needed growing up! I did not! I was destroyed and in hunger spiritually, psychologically, physically; in every area! I was completely dissociative! I was in a dream world; I had nothing else! I was used by the people that society said I could trust! So much for trusting what society says! it a liar! It lies about everything! Theirs nothing that can be trusted about anything in this place! Everything it seems is 2 faced! Everything! When I look at something in society; I can figure that the paint job on top is simply covering the real painted job underneath! Nothing is as it seems! It seems the world has one paint job painted over another; and their opposite colors!
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I relate to Ed Geins! I, like allot of people, got caught in being damaged goods and thrown into the human dislocated heap of social outcasts! Im a strange outcast! Like Geins, I was insane and alone for 2 long and in despair and desperate! And I think allot of people are! I was so damaged I could not be around anyone! I still cant! Well, Im slowly getting better! But I'm getting so old; I wont be around much longer! I didnt want to spend my entire life dealing with these problems; but I am! Things are not totally horrific! I have options! But Im getting old; and thats the way things are! Im getting old and it concerns me! I feel like an 8 year old in an old mans body! Before I get to grow up; Ill be dead from old age! Dead, one foot in the underlife, while they heap dirt on my dead decaying body! I can see the people looking down at me from the grave as they eat pizza and laugh at me; laugh while parting it up wheel Im suffocating to death in that coffin they stuffed me into!
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Isolation; Ive used up most of the resources I can use! What do I mean by this! I can always find more psych groups to join or 12 step groups! Yet, it seems I never go any further! The gap between where Im at and the real world is a sizable distance; and Im still damaged!
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Un like Ed Geins, I have no desire to see my mother or worship her or the old family system I was forced to be in when growing up; However, like Geins; who lived in a small town; who was isolated; I to am isolated! In isolated in a strange small area geographically! Im in an apartment, I ride my bike to the store several miles away! I go to meetings and come home! and thats about it!
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I could have lots of girlfriends; but their all from the meetings, and I dont want any of those girls! Those are not the type of people I want to date! They have proven this to me over n over n over! No disrespect to those people! Im more interested in dating middle class regular people because my values are more middle class! The problem is; because of the abuse I've been through; I am also from the trauma class, and the severe isolation problems is also a problem; Im very @!@@@! up and deranged and deformed socially from all the isolation and damaged from it! Im weird and wacko from it! Their is a divide between where Im at in isolation world and the rest of the world that drives by my apartment in their new cars! My goal is to become one of them again and that is sorrowful and hurts! But its a goal! Im damaged goods, and it hurts so bad to say I want out and want to go back to life again! i dont know thats going to happen with all my pain and mental dysfunctions! And now; I feel like Ed Geins when talking about mental dysfunction of isolation; thats when I really feel like creep boy from the small town! I cant get out of the box! Im trying! Ive been in this protective box and this box has led me back to the past; much like Ed Geins who lived in the past; he could not make the jump from the past of what he lost to a new life in the present! and I completely absolutely understand this guy, in that respect! he was cut off from interactions with others in society; he was so busted up inside! I understand kind of! not completely! I understand, but the answer for me is to work with God and re learn how to reach out to society again; but this time, to the right people and places and things! In fact; talking like this freaks out my nervous system because it feels like Im heading back to being stomped to death like all other times Ive tried to re enter society; I was humiliated, ignored, hated on, spat on in every way possible, marginalized, treated as of no importance! I was used, exploited and thrown away; and more then once!
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Directions please! I had no directions; much like Ed Geins, I gave up! I had no one who loved me and nowhere to go! i lived in the past. it seems like everything I wanted was in the past! I had nothing in the present and a go-nowhere future! But I dont believe that anymore! Not really! but it scares me; what is the pathway out of this box! I hated society so much I would rather kill myself then be apart of it or be humiliated again by stepping out into it; the whole thing is a ######6 2 faced joke and so are the people in it; all of them!
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With no money; I feel useless and and embarrassment! its been hard to step around decent people but have no money to prove Im like them! Ive been taught that without middle class money; you wont be accepted! and I believe it! I wanted to go home to the middle class like I thought I was going to live as a kid; but when I found out they were a bunch of rapists and murder'rs and destroys of people; I wanted nothing to do with them! Remember; I came from the middle class TV show world; not the real world! I spent most of my time in front of a TV set; when ventured out into the real world looking for what I saw on TV; I found; at first, similar situations; but soon, it changed! The light turned to darkness and all was evil and I was destroyed by it! Not the evil in me; the evil in the houses and schools and neighborhoods I lived in! They were evil places with nice clothing and nice housing! I was not one of them nor was I accepted as one of them; I was thrown out! I dont feel like being thrown out again! but I cant live the way Im living now! Something in between has to occur! The 12 step system was that " in-between' for me! Now it is not! I need something more!
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The reality is; Im not getting anywhere in the 12 step groups! Im not getting any further socially! wrong place for it; for the type of development Im looking for! However, the 12 step system has done what its suppose to do! Im grateful! in fact; I would be dead right now if I had no had the 12 step system; but its not "everything"! I need a life! and a 12 step system does not supply that! I need the same kind of social situation but outside in other areas! And Ive been afraid of this because I feel like a loser and a drifter and an outcast of society! And I dont want to be judged! In this case; I feel like Ed Geins look for a girlfriend! Its kind of a creep show! But Im like Ed Geins in the isolational sense! and I suppose allot of people are! but I have to do something about it! Im on social security and Im locked into this apartment and this shut in way of life; I go to the store, I go to the park, I go to the meeting and I go home! I dont have allot of friends from the meetings because thats not where I want to make closer friends that I would bring home! The meetings are not the college middle class level people I'm looking for! I guess if i said it another way; But like Ed Geins, Im socially f__ked up! and anti social! and a gap resides between me in my altered state of consciousness and the outside world or the idea of the outside world I want to be apart of! I dont have middle class money and I feel helpless because of this; and this is a huge embarrassment! huge! When I was young; I was taught that people in my situations are economic losers and not to associate with them; they are the low life creepy people. Well; its not my fault! but I am in this situation! now I want out of it! I want my life back and I guess Im scared! Im scared because its possible for me to come back! and Im scared about it! Can I go social! sure! and I guess that scares me! Im also afraid of being treated less then what Im worth because of my passive aggression! I have to get over it and be myself again around people! I cant be a social oddball " Ed Geins", thats not going to work! I got to snap out of it! and Im working on that! and their is nothing but hope for me! the real major problems is age! I have to get on with it! Im getting old! I dont have that much time left!

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