Economic and sexual abuse when a child.
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Im back; only because fake book rape book put me in Facebook prison again for a week because I didnt bow down to their socialism... I personally hope they get wiped out and are never seen again; ridiculous to have are freedom of speech even played with by these T-ards. Likes its any of their business what I say or what I write.
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So; Ill be over here for a week writing; " It wasnt the crime of the century; I did my time in facebook penitentiary... F>(&^ng weirdo's.
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Sexual abuse and economic abuse.
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I havnt talked about economic abuse; I talked about it today in a meeting and ill talk more about it.
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Its a touchy subject but not really; I was innocent regardless but its a weapon used against people to make them look like the bad guy. It was used against me but I was so young and destroyed I did not know what was going on nor did I care; I just wanted my mother and father back and my house. I did not know they would never be coming back and I was being used and never wanted.
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So; when young watching TV; I had my own personal economic goals I couldnt wait to develop; making my own money my own way with my own personal; interests; non of your business or anyone elses; still isn't.
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First; I was just a child and its fear; thats what all of these caused. Someone came along who didnt love me was using relational agression against me and suddenly buying me. And not treating me like a human being. And this confused me. I did not know how to act; the same people who were buying things for me instead of learning how to work for them; they knew what they were doing. I was 9 or 10 years old. They had no right into this part of my personal life; but that was their in. They would buy me something I was suppose to buy for myself and learn how; its a form of abuse and it was a sinister form and I was not the first of it to be used on. So; after awhile I was in great confusion and helpless and without the ability to take care of myself; emaciated kind of... emotionally violated; like someone has come across all my personal boundaries; and they did and they did it sexually as well.
It was confusing because I did end up appearing spoiled... but I did not care nor understand anything; I just wanted to go home; I was in a state of shock; no one mentioned it nor cared... Nothing; it was like being kidnapped. The more stuff the bought; the more apprehensive I got and scared; fear is what I felt; fear of the unknown; these were no people that liked me or cared about my future... And then I was being sexually harassed and abused by them.
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Its hard to talk about. One main problem is I become dissociated from reality from this and never grow or learned anything; I stayed 6-7 inside and scared to death and in fear shock...
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I did not care what they brought me. I just wanted to get away from these wierdo's and go home to my room and my house and my life and my father.
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I was not sure what to do with what they bought or hose to act or to understand how to act around this evil.
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So; it was ruined; my development and it was not safe being me nor developing anything monetarily in this place. meaning I was being demoralized on all front from abusers; I did not want nor un want what they had; I was scared to death and remained that way for the remainder of my life; stunned and in shock.
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I would like to open up that part of my life that had to shut down around those monsters and I would like to open it so I can learn again or for the first time how to take back what they stole from me; they stole my economic identity and my sexuality; the abused it and ruptured it and tore both to pieces so that I was ruptured in both areas and could not function anymore... I just want it back or me back.. And I cant go back into those horrible times to get it; to many flash backs and Im put into shock freeze mode of terror; CPTSD...
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Im willing to work with God on this gruesome confusion... Sorrowful situation.
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Because I was a child I blame myself because I didnt get out of it; but I couldn't get out of it. it was like being spoon fed poison and I let them because I could not figure out a way not to let them; it was the only way I could survive for a later date to escape... and their was no place to escape... no where to go and no one that actually loved me nor did they ever...
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I was never loved.
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The goal today is to get back my social economic sexual independence; get it back; its mine and keep it and start over again as myself privately.... And I dont know how to do that but Im slowly maturing and learning... I guess; Im hardly able to deal with any of this or the monsters involved. I can hardly see anything during that time I was in such a state of delusion and dissociation and fear; massive deep deep fear... constantly; like I had been taken prisoner by Isis or something into a prison camp.
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So; hatred anger and fear.... of being a captive. thats exactly what it was. . Horrible beyond words... and no development; just sexual abuse in its place... with no way to fight back; no control over any part of my body; nothing... no one cared... Nothing... completely demoralized and used in every direction.
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So; Im working with God on all this. I would like my economic independence back; the ability to see money in my head and focus on it and feel good about it. Right now it horrifies me; all of it; seems like pure evil from what I went through; its associated with those monsters and I want out of this; I want to see money as something wonderful and good and prosperity as something magical and great; I do not want it associated with rape and its darkness...
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So; Im working with God on this; but Im already dissociating while writing this; so it is very powerful still of forms of abuse against a child... Horrible. So; Ill ask God to work with me on this as he has worked with me on everything else.
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