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OMNICELL
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Dont be alone!.. People arnt safe! Now what ?

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Dec 01, 2011 7:21 pm

Im at home thinking about things. Thinking about what. Thinking about suicide. Thinking that it is the answer to all my problems. That is the answer to everyones problems. Just create a place that people can go to , to end it. Like a Suicide center. That would take care of all my fears that are in my head, and the hopelessness I see of the world condition.

Online Im reading about the economic problems. That was a mistake. That just fuels my beliefs that I should not last here. That theirs no reason to be here. I keep thinking that ending my life is the only dignified thing to do in an undignified world. It feels right, it feels normal. Its the only thing left that I can do if I have to be alone. And alone is the only place I feel safe. It feels natural to die. It seems like that is what the world wants me to do. Its always wanted me to die. ITs pushed for it.

I got up and went to a 12 step meeting early in the morning at 6:30. I have a really nice mountain bike. I cant afford a car. Im on SSI. I feel stupid. Im 49 years old and cant afford a car. How will that look to others. They will know, they will find out something is wrong, wrong with me.
In my head nothing seems wrong with me. Im right no matter what direction I take, including taking my life. IT all feels normal. It feels normal to die, to take my life. It feels normal and natural to me.

I go to a meeting place with people. When Im around these people, My thinking changes. My thinking starts to balance out a bit. Im not thinking about the negative stuff. Im concentrating on other people. I feel a warmth from the other people in the room that I was trying to create through my thinking when Im alone. I was trying to create emotional response from my thinking. Trying to feel something if I thought real hard. This does not work. It requires connection with people. With the world.

The world is a death trap. Just ask my alters. They know. ITs been a war zone of murder, rape and abandonment for me, for them. And now Im asked to go back. To wake up and go back to this place. I would rather float away for ever. At-least that is how I feels and seems when Im alone. i dissociate and float away for ever. Yet, I have to stay present. I have to or I will be alone for ever. And ever, wont last very long if my thinking is running everything.

Who's thinking do I listen to if Mine doesn't work right. Ive been told that my thinking doesn't work right. that the world is not how I see it in my head. That my defenses are creating my view of the world.

When Im around people Im very over sensitive, I want to feel safe. I don't have the boundaries to feel safe around people. They seem like monsters to me. Like giant spiders...

I have God. I am connected to God.

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I get such judgments from others.

I care and I don't care. No one asked me for the truth or how I feel or what is going on with my feelings. Nothing. No one wants the truth. They just side track the truth and tell me something else. When their feelings negative towards me they smile and act life their feeling are positive towards me. I end up getting confused because Im being lied to. I don't understand being lied to. Why are they lying to me. What is the gain to them. What is the gain to me. If they don't like me, Why are they trying to lead me into a direction. For what. What is the gain.... Why are they around me. Why am I around them.

Ive dealt with many many stupid people. Most of them Im afraid are arrogant in this life. Their buying into worshiping the system to get a pat on the back or to be something in this life. When I come along as I am. I am hated because I don't worship the system or the people in it. Im not interested in a system that forces 10 year old children to hang from the neck because no one was interested in them. This whole place has gone nuts in my opinion..

I am Grateful, even if it doesn't sound like it. I don't know what to do. I will pray. Talk to God. Its like this life is a rock between a hard place. No matter what direction I turn its a hard place. A desolate place. God is not this place. This world is this place. I feel like a 5 year old being thrown out to a bunch of wolves. And I have no place to hide.

My mental condition gets better with help. Then it gets worse again if Im " Out There" in LA LA land for to long. Its like a Yo Yo that keeps going in one direction then another. Symptoms go down. Then they come back, then they go down again... I can never tell what land mind my mind will create for me....

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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