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OMNICELL
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Do you believe *TW*

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Nov 15, 2017 8:16 pm

Do I believe their is plenty?; that is all Im asked to do; to learn and practice the concepts of success based thinking in order to believe one thing; that their is plenty and more then plenty for me supplied by the universe! Do I believe! well?, thats a tricky question.
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I was abandon of everything when a child; all things were stripped from me like I was in a nazi prison camp of WW2! This was done by the people I lived with when a child; but it was also the community; they were just as much a part of it! pure brutal hatred abides sin me from this filth; they were child murder's no different!
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So, now, you ask me to trust these same group of scum filth! But what can I do! I don't trust the outside world! I dont trust this land, this society! I dont want to live with its worthless people! I dont want any part of this! I dont want to be involved in any of this!
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The problem is; Ive been exposed to much, and seen to much! But the problem is; Ive been asked only one thing; do I believe their is plenty for me that will never ever go away! and so, thats where the work is! and it is hard laboring heart braking work! I have to trust again! and I have to get rid of the thoughts of mistrust! I must! Its not that it cant happen; creating a new story for myself! When you create a new story for yourself; your telling the child within you that its over; their will be no going back! Your finished; nothing will ever come back! You might have a child that has gone through that trauma; they lost everything and were purposely thrown away from the community; that does not mean that child handled that trauma. If a child is overloaded with trauma, they will kill themselves! They wont make it. So, the child's nervous system shuts partly down to keep the child alive! The child can walk around in a daze the rest of their lives half awake and in a trauma state of amnesia; but they are alive! And then you ask this same child to get success based thinking, come out of their problems and turn everything around! Or , ask them to have a superman level relationship with God to the point of walking on water by way of magic; they have to be at the spiritual level of a super hero; to accomplish the task of believing in the society again, trusting everything around them again; even tho they know society kills; because they were killed in it! If thats not bad enough, the child is asked to take a million chances into the unknown to become successful! Its like a 1000 pound pack put on their back until it breaks!
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Heres the deal! Their is plenty! when Im working with the energy of the universe and believe the universe has got my back and I understand how to set goals and I understand how the rich got rich; things are possible! anything is possible! I am learning how to do these things! Im suggesting this process is rough on ya! having to be so outward and exposed and taking allot of unknown chances; this is hard! Its more then hard!
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How bad do I want it! The more I want it, the better chance Ill have it! setting goals; specific goals for the future must be done! What are goals or desires; anything can be a desire! its where my heart is! for example; I want a new truck, I want a new camper van, I want a house! I want an Asian-soulmate! I would like my schooling back! This means I learn how to get an A in school and not an F! I learn to trust or learn how to hang in when I'm feeling the memory of anxiety!
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I have to get to know the success based abilities likes it the back-of -my-hand!
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Technically without social security; I would not function! I cant; I simply cant! so, I have to start at the beginning! What does the beginning look like! It hurts for me to say it or work on it or be exposed to this question! I dont like dealing with it; the idea of starting in life! it brings up bad bad memories of the exploitation I experienced in my earlier life! I dont want to remember! its 2 horrible because I was innocently being played by everyone and everything around me and I didnt know because I was to young! I was being taken advantage of specifically because I was 2 young to know better! I was taken advantage of by everything around me! everything!
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And now Im suppose to forget what happen and move on or forward with my life! well, it might be possible if I can work out a few things!
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A few things to work out;
Their is a fear of dealing with what is right in front of me; its way overwhelming; 2 much for me! Success based thinking asked me not to deal with that. Don't deal with what is in front of me; not at first; instead, go to my imagination and come up with things in the future that I desire; start their! and slowly allow my mind to create a story about having those things and when I have a dominant story of belief concerning these things, the universe will step in and help out; and I will believe the universe will step in and help out!
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What is vs what I want! what do I concentrate on; the truth or make believe! I concentrate on make believe! The truth has no purpose in my life; whats that got to do with what I want! The goal is " what makes me happy" What does make me happy?; what makes me happy is what makes me feel good! So, I wanna feel good; what makes me feel good" and theirs the work! its my job to find out what makes me feel good! And this is horribly tuff work coming from a place of trying to protect myself from ever trusting this environment concerning feeling good! For me to feel good; it feels like I have to walk out on a tight rope with no protection; no armer! Thats crazy! Ive already been destroyed out in this land; your asking me to walk out in it with no protection!
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I have to work with source energy; the source of the universe concerning my needs and wants! If I want protection; " I am receiving protection from source energy"; I have to state to the universe what I want as if I already have it! Also, I learn to believe it first, then ill see it!
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So, I have to learn to believe! I am writing up new stories about my life and what I want and what feels good and what makes me happy, as if Ive already got it! And the real test and real fear is when I write; for I am vulnerable at that moment of concentrating on whats in my imagination and writing about it; at that moment; I cant protect myself, I cant look behind my back as Im writing in front of me; and that is the principle of fear that governs all problems! I end up focusing on what is at that moment, instead of what I want! I have to feel safe enough to close my eyes and let go of reality for that moment and trust the universe has got my back!
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Im learning to attract people and places and things toward me as if I already have them and Im learning to believe this as if its a dominant positive story over the old negative story!
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Learning to become positive is exhausting work when your coming from a back ground of PSTD or the streets or poverty! I am coming from the background of the streets! I did not originally come from the streets! I was thrown away and in the process of being thrown away from the day I was born; but the people I lived with within this falsely constructed lie, lived a middle class looking experience! I would not be living this experience! I was just along for the ride! I gained no schooling or direction or help concerning my survival! I was used and then thrown out! I got to watch the world around me but not participate! when it came time for me to want to participate! It was like the silence of a field; no one around! complete neglect! I did not live in a middle class house in a middle class block; It was more like I had been temporarily brought in by bus to this section of town, dropped off at these specific peoples house! used by them; when they were done, they gave me a bus ticket, dragged me out to the bus, I was forced to get on it and leave and never return; and that was that! Does that make sense? do ya feel me!
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With out social security; I would be sitting by a tree with a bullet in my head! I dont function! I do not function in the work world! nothing! if you said to me; go get a job! The terror of that reality, would freeze my mind up! its impossible! I would end up in a tragic shock daze, find myself under a tree in the local park; I would not move from it; you couldnt get me to move from it! Finally, I would end my life! I cannot handle that level of reality; its impossible; I dont trust anything and went through 2 much trauma! I was left in impossible situations 2 many times; it destroyed my mind and my nervous system! 2 much PTSD and dissociation with no answers! traumatized 2 many times and left alone to die 2 many times! lied to by the community 2 many times. exploited by the those i lived with 2 many times. thrown away by my own people 2 many times! killed by my own country 2 many times.
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I dont like walking out into a society where Im a object! I have no value to anyone! worse, Im treated like a animal in a zoo!
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ITs up to me to stop seeing things this way! they might be true, they can be true, but the work is in changing my focus on to things that can work for me regardless of my past! Is this easy to do; no; it seems impossible to do alone! I have to have massive support to step out on this limb! That means trusting others and telling others who and what I am and whats happened to me and where Im going; thats allot a trust! to much trust!
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I do not trust anything or anyone! The only reason Im alive is because God allowed things to happen! and I've hidden from life for 2/3rds my life because of it! My story is one of misery and tragedy! Do I want or need it to continue! no; I dont! I dont need it! I want something different! Just saying this; " I want something different"; this scares the hell out of me; causes terror because I see myself being forced to leave whats safe into the unknown! I dont know how to go out into the unknown like that without being traumatized again!
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Success thinking;
So, I have to ask God for help! and the first thing Im told to do by the success based coaches; indirectly, is " get some goals" find my desires?, what do I want?; those are the first questions! and when asking those questions, they teach me a system to use my imagination to run free and allow ideas to flourish and then align them with the universe; its hard for everyone to open up like this; especially those of a trauma background! yet, it is possible!

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For example; If you said to me " what do you want" well, I want a house, I want a truck, I want a camper van RV, I want a number of RC toys; like trains, and 4x4's and helicopters! I want my own music studio from drums and singer/song writer stuff! I want to be an active artist with my work online at a gallery! I want to be a writer! I want to travel on vacations; I want to be a skier again! I want to mountain bike! I want to be thin and in shape! I want money; and lots of it! I want an Asian-soulmate! I want girlfriends! I want sex, I want lust, I want friends! I want enough social status or freedom to feel safe and be left alone! I want freedom and clarity, and security and luv! I want nice cloths! I want steak overnight for dinner! I want a giant backyard so I can look up into the night sky with my telescopes; all kinds of telescopes and look at the moon, any time I want! I want to be a performer of art or general art and rock songs! I love my drums! I want to drum! I want to act, i want to be an expert at voice acting and story telling! I want to write screen plays for my own productions I put on youtube! I want my own RC train set! I want new computer set ups for electronic art! I want a nice place to work on my art; someplace I feel safe! I want real friends; not fake! I want decent friends who have a conscious! I want to camp! I want to " get into stuff" meaning, I dont want trauma stopping me from interacting with things! I want to be able to feel good enough about myself to approach women and be myself and confident; not afraid of being psychologically ripped to pieces by someone that only wants money! and , or, I want the ability when dealing with women, to quickly size up the situation and walk away! I want the ability to work with God or source energy and trust source energy and go on journeys created from source energy that allow me to find my way to my desires and goals! I want to become an expert at success based thinking; I want to " get it down", be an expert! I want experience creating money for myself! or a life for myself! I want to feel what it feels like to be free! to be who ever I want to be and to change on a moments notice, what ever I need to change in order to keep that freedom! I want the ability to know their is more! The universe will supply more for me if I have to re live another story and do it again! I want to move away! I want to move away to a new area where I dont have to remember what happened in my past life! the horror and demoralization! or the filth associated with it!
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I never want to be alone again or surrounded by my enemies with my back against the wall and no way out! How did I end up with these enemies because they were my enemies before I knew them! they had always been opposed to me! I landed or ended up on the wrong side of town! I was allocated the status level of looser or lazy no good shiftless drifter! In shock; I thought; who has the right to do anything with me including branding me with social positional judgment! later I found out who has the right to do this; those who dont care either way! they were not friends of mine! the joke was on me for ever crossing the line into their territory in the first place! I didnt know such lines existed! I was 2 young to know!
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I want the ability to put a thought in my head clearly beyond the PTSD world circling my mind! I want the ability to work with God to put a thought directly in the center of my brain and focus on it and watch it grow! I want the ability to disarm all negative thoughts or defeating thoughts or doubting thoughts from my goals! I want the ability to work hard at all readings associating with learning how to set goals and be successful with desires and goals; learning how to be rich and wealthy at anything I do desire!
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I want the ability to see things happen before me! to stick to this success stuff and actually watch changes an be marveled by it!
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I want the ability to find the strong supports in life; to run to each one and feel safe behind their walls of safety! and be myself with anonymity !
Last edited by quietgirl2538 on Fri Nov 17, 2017 11:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: added TW

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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