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OMNICELL
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Do I really want to go through with this!!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jan 22, 2012 4:29 pm

Long blog....

Im getting better Its shocking.. My mental condition is getting better. The symptoms are lowering. The original condition remains. For 30 years, a destroyed life, unlikely I would come through it. Well, I put the work in, and now Im getting better. Better for what? The world is how I left it. People are still indifferent as usual. Thank God for fantasy bonds or I would never make it. I would never live here on planet earth unless I could see it unclearly..

Talking to people or getting close to people, do I really want this?

Hi, my name is "take me for granted" whats your name? No please, you first! go ahead talk about yourself. This is an uneven conversation, Its all about you. Remember, nothing is about me, even though Im smarter, more gifted, 10000 times more creative. No please ,go ahead and take advantage, your not the first, you wont be the last. I don't mind, I was born to give it away and get nothing in return... Thank you, I appreciate your help. By your influence I am once again hiding in my apartment, Im never going to leave ever again...

"People are not nice
They manipulate"

People act nice, they are not nice, they feel they have superior status and have to prove it., they are looking down on me as an object to be controlled. False image appearing real vs My real image hiding so I don't get clobbered..

Its never safe.

Ive read, Ive studied, Ive been told, Just stop thinking and do it, don't judge, don't think, walk over and talk to people. Is it me. Why do I find this so despicably horrible.
I have this rule, if you respect me, I will talk to you. If you are safe I will talk to you, If you think I have some levels of status, acceptable status as a human being I will talk to you.

However, tonight is like any other night. When Im around people, I feel like Im treated less then, and I feel manipulated. Am I suppose to ignore this. Its so heart breaking for me. I try so hard at my recovery.. I feel like Im autistic most of the time from the CPTSD. I've been told in the past I have appeared to act autistic in away.. I am getting better.
Most people consider me a brilliant person. So, I am considered some one of abilities. Yet, Im not tak'n seriously. That means they think Im intelligent with no status. GREAT..!!! What a social experiment.
People appear to like me. Some will say hello to me. Or goodbye to me. They act like they own me. Are they interested in me? , from a distance.
I know Im the one who is to approach. I understand that. I know I could get close to these people. However, Why do I feel intimidated by these people, as if they are trying to manipulate me. I feel this way all the time. I don't trust any of these monkeys. I feel manipulated! I feel worthless and no good, and not worth much more then to be manipulated. That is how it feels. Its horrible. I hate it. I loath it. Its been this way all my life.
people may be interested in my insights, they are not interested in me.
---------
On the other side of thing:

I feel like Im succeeding, Im actually further along then I used to be. I am mentioning that Im around people, people are saying hello, goodbye. Something of social activity is happening. Why does it have to be this hard. Why are people so stuck on themselves. Everyone seems like there Gods gifts walking around staring at their make-out mirrors kissing on themselves, asking God to worship them as Gods. All I wanted was a little conversation. I didn't know I had to talk to the academy of stars for an invitational appointment calendar date. " you may see the king now, you may enter". " Omnicell, you must bow before the King when you enter".
So many people striving for Elite-Hood. Elite is all that is left on planet earth. Elite is the only legal expression for a swamped deranged society.

Next step is to take more chances and get closer. I cant believe I said this... God save me from myself...
-----------------

Suicidal:

Im sensitive to suicide. Im right on the edge of it. I am and will be pathological. Just enough to go over the edge. Its better then it used to be. However, Im a sensitive sociopath.. It doesn't take much for me to check out permanently. I don't like this place anyway. Im not sure where I got the hope to stay alive this long. I was told by therapists it was God. I believe them. I didn't save myself. A higher power greater then myself saved me. It wasn't me and it wasn't Darwinism..

Symptoms/:

Going in and out of dissociation by the moment. It hasn't changed. It may be every few seconds, or minutes. The level or thickness of PTSD has changed. Its not as thick. The switching is the same. I cant control it. My mind flashes back and fourth, possibly 60 times in an hour. I will find myself "gone", several times during an hour meetings. When Im gone, Im gone. I will wake from it and not have a clue what happened or where I have been.. ITs not complete identity change. Its more Dissociative disorder at its finest.. Just the general condition kicking in.

Anxiety/Depression

Anxiety first, I think, Then the depression/suicidal.

Im so used to anxiety and depression. I live with it all the time, I don't always feel the giant disturbance as I used to. Im not as scared of it like I used to be. Yet, its large serious effects remain.
I will find myself unable to go outside or participate in any activity. I might be down for weeks.
The Anxiety levels can get horrible. Im used to it. However, this brings on Suicide as a pain reliever. Suicide is a huge problem for me. Its simply checking out. blank out and Im gone. Its over, I get to sleep for ever. I don't have to be part of this anymore.. No more abuse.
------------------------------
Being awake is a rocky experience. Being me is a rocky experience. My mind doesn't really work very well. Outside, I do not connect correctly. The connection wires are all bound up in the wrong direction, wrong wire to wrong wire. It is what it is.
My intelligence is buried deep within me and is greater then any alter or personality. My intelligence runs the shows. However, My alters change the direction and flow in ways Im not prepared for. Life is one trap door after the other of windows and moving screen doors. One never knows what those doors will lead to.
Last edited by OMNICELL on Sun Jan 22, 2012 4:38 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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