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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1029)
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- December 2019
Vile hatred and anger.
   Thu Dec 12, 2019 4:18 pm
more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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Dissociative people write blogs

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue May 07, 2019 6:18 pm

Im dissociative; I write blogs. I was thrown away; Im a throw away.
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Its interesting; Im a communicative person; should be around others talking to them; but Im not; Im all alone talking to myself all day long; loudly, and I write blogs; but no people are involved in my personal life. Im looking to change this.
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I pop in n out of personalities; Im not blacking out anymore; as far as I know; However, it happens at minor levels; A few minutes at a time; the problem is blacking out with dissociative disorder; I have no idea its happened; only through evidence; and that evidence stuns me. However, at times; it leaves clues and I know Ive blacked out.
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Im spent my life looking for love or being cast out by others because they refused to love me or accept me. So; Ive ended up in bad bad places.
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My dissociative condition has led me to believe that anyone can love me and will if I press in on it; However, in reality; very few if any quality people showed up around me; usually, I was associating with abusive people that would soon abuse me and I would be hurt and devastated and confused about the whole affair.
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Im now starting to wake up a bit.
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I have; so much PTSD; all the time; always flashing back when ever I attempt to step out of the box; sucks; is what it is. So; Im working on it.
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I never developed since 5th grade; and that is a horror show disaster for a human; that means; no relationships, no work, no car; nothing. no devilment foundation that would lend to such things; Ive been lost in a haze of loneliness and saddened confusion, wondering when I would go home to my house on C street; the one I was pulled out of; that has been one of the biggest battles and one of the focused areas that consumes my energies. Im now a bit better; Im stronger with the idea of the future. I now know; I never developed a future; so, how could I have one; thus, a broken mind wanted to go home to the past; the only home I ever had; and that lasted up to the 5th grade. However, only in nursery school did I get to develop; in first grade; I did not; other kids did. I did not; I was thrown away. and it will just get worse. Finally in 4th grade Im aware of it; something is dreadfully wrong; horribly wrong with my life; its turning out right; not like other children; Im like a 5 year old inside; no development; nothing. Im put in the class with the dumb kids; and Im brilliant; nothing makes any sense. When I take tests at the end of the year for class; Im flunking all of them because Im not studying. In fact; in the second grade Im in summer school; because work has to be made up; and its this way through 5th grade I think. And problems start to occur in 5th grade; bulling and Im beginning to get destroyed at home; neglected and a deeper from of being thrown away. no one cares; no one comes to my rescue; no one cares about me; that I was born; nothing. and now; it will get a whole lot worse, and theirs no one to tell or care.
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My mind goes from victim to mentally ill person to artist to nice guy, to violent vengeful wanting to start a civil war; back to a small child. The thoughts in my head are of a past of insanity and horror because of neglect and other problems. Or the real serious problems of real serious neglect; and that is a horror show of 10 out of 10.
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So; my goal is to interact with others; I have to imagine who I want to meet; and thus lies the problem; for Im not sure what personality Im using for my imagination; and that can cause limits.
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The goal is to change my thinking; create what I want to create in my mind and go after what Im creating in my mind; allow the universe to bring it to me; allow the universe to bring me the plans for what I want; that is my work at the present.

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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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