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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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more changes ahead.
   Sun Dec 01, 2019 4:49 pm

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dissociative disorder

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sat Dec 06, 2014 1:06 am

So, Im practicing more n more! Its still very hard to let anyone get close! its been getting better, because Im practicing! Im asking people if I can sit with them or talk to them; Its a start!

At the bank, or paying rent, I noticed the problem I have with the clerks; as I get closer to them, PTSD comes in, gets much stronger; Im talking to my mother or girlfriend from the past, or a number of other people from the past; not the clerk or teller! Im afraid! I have to bow down to them! I have to cover up or I was be hurt or attacked! Im going to get verbally attacked and cannot do anything about it!

Now I know why I drop my head around strangers! its people from the past that Im trying to avoid! Im also, trying to avoid the present since I live in the past!

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Living in the past!

My Father; I tried or all memories were buried of my father and his family system! They are distant as if belonging to another personality! they are distant, not mine! He is distant, not mine!

Ive been here before when looking at other personalities! There memories are distant!

My history with my fathers family was cut away from self! it was to dangerous for us to hang on to it! Some one cut it! the child I think! Get rid of it! thats what I say!

I was at the coffee shop! and a friend who knew my family system started talking about it and it triggered everyone awake! all of us! We went on red alert! Not all of us! The one responsible was smiling!

It felt good to here about the history! because I am in those memories! and I would like my history back, but not the pain that goes with it!

I do not claim those relatives because of the natured of there sociopathic evil! I disclaimed them! got them out of my nervous system and history! They are unsafe people and bad people! mean people! bad people! arrogant people! They hurt me! they hurt my father, they hurt everyone for there money! They never liked us! I did not know this! it was all false! My father was a sociopath because of them! I hate them for what they did to all of us! ###$ them! I never wanted to remember them! I still do not! it scares me!

I spent allot of my early life believing my father was a good person who loved and cared about me! I believed he came from a good family! a farm family! he did not! and he was not a good man! he was a sociopath and nothing more! I was used, and nothing more, and when they were done with me, they took me back to the renta center and placed me on the shelf; then they left and never came back!

I am attempting to get over these people places and things!

but I started to remember! thats what counts! are they my memories! these memories are tied into everything , including my school years! but they are not my school years, they are his school years! I am not the original!

I am the original; he was the second! I was saved! I was saved and cocooned as a small beginning child! I was being abused, so, one of the altered! the 4 year old girl, hid me in a cocoon in the center of self! in my nervous system! in the core! The second me was created! He was destroyed at the age of 10! I was hidden for many years!

I am back now because I was called up and integrated by many others! But I am not him! I am not the boy in the school! He is different, he is one of them! Those that did not make it! Many things happened when I was not able to see! but I saw everything!

The me now is good! except the anxiety disorder is killing me! I can go to meetings, and come home, and to the gym! and mountain bike, but not much else!

So, I do not have repressed memories, I have memories belonging to another personality, that are parallel with me! and wanting to show themselves! wanting to integrate! It startled me today! it felt good tho! I want to remember and feel my past! but its not my past! its belongs to someone else!~ I would like to integrate with this past! He was not my father, he was the other boys father, so why should it bother me if I see him and remember him and his family!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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