Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1052
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1751)
Archives
- March 2024
A gift from God #2
   Sat Mar 16, 2024 9:21 pm
The Gift from God…
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 5:29 pm
2 goals; elements of accomplishment
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 1:41 pm
Work Ethic is Needed Please
   Tue Mar 12, 2024 4:46 am
Some Solutions; Lot of Hope
   Thu Mar 07, 2024 5:39 am

+ February 2024
+ January 2024
+ December 2023
+ November 2023
+ October 2023
+ September 2023
+ August 2023
+ July 2023
+ June 2023
+ May 2023
+ April 2023
+ March 2023
+ February 2023
+ January 2023
+ December 2022
+ November 2022
+ October 2022
+ September 2022
+ August 2022
+ July 2022
+ June 2022
+ May 2022
+ April 2022
+ March 2022
+ February 2022
+ January 2022
+ December 2021
+ November 2021
+ October 2021
+ September 2021
+ August 2021
+ July 2021
+ June 2021
+ May 2021
+ April 2021
+ March 2021
+ February 2021
+ January 2021
+ December 2020
+ November 2020
+ October 2020
+ September 2020
+ August 2020
+ July 2020
+ June 2020
+ May 2020
+ April 2020
+ March 2020
+ February 2020
+ January 2020
+ December 2019
+ November 2019
+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Discovering

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 31, 2019 10:34 pm

Un my imagination; Im looking back at the lake; I see myself hurting and Im with a young girl; she's older then I am; Im about 10? it will be the last time Im at the lake. Several things happen that make things not so fun; I get in trouble for riding my bike on the gravel walkway and I meet an older girl that sees no value in me; but I hang out with her anyway; I can see it; its been closed off for years; these memoreis; and the universe is telling me to back away from her right now in my imagination; change this; see myself at the lake; but pull away from this girl after I see her at the dock. I may have to go it alone for awhile at the lake. I pull away from her and I pull my bike away from the main areas of the cabins and such at the lake; pull it all back; be present and be mindful; Instead of hanging out with that group with that girl; Im going to the outdoor restaurant; Im going to eat something; I am eating something and then walking down the stairs to the beach. And Im walking around the beach; then Ill come back up and get my art supplies. Its not the same without my father. Nothing is the same without my father their to take care of me and have a person to go with or hang out with.
.
My father used to build us up when kids; it was all fake; such a tragedy. He had me fooled the whole time; but not my brothers; they were never fooled but I did not know my brothers very well or what was really going on.
.
So; I missed my father at that place. And I remember how useless and lost I felt; and no one cared; I should have been in therapy or something; In a sense; Im now in therapy over it.
.
I felt bad about myself being around this " lose" girl. She was not my type but I felt desperate to be around anyone; I was a loner in a sense; but I was without love or family or self esteem or self respect; I had nothing. I had no one taking care of me; nothing; I was a throw away wondering around; I did not know I was a throw away yet; However, looking back; I was already a throw away; no one cared about me or my future; nothing; So; I was desperate to be around people. I would take anyone that came along; my mind was warped; and getting worse; a CPTSD warp....
.
I hung put with this girl that was 2 years older then me and could never appreciate me for any reason; but I would hang around her; I smoked but did not inhale; she told me I was just a boy.... I didnt know what else to do but hang around her and her friends; swim with them. I did not have anyone; the problem is; at this point; The type of friends just dropped to the bottom of the barrel; And so it begins. My whole life plans were ruined because they required others involved in my life. I was just a boy thrown away; and alone. And looking back now; Im going to change that outcome and see myself. I see myself at that lake; I see this girl out on the dock suntanning; she's in a bikini; soft red orange yellow. she has blond hair; she's about 13; Im about 11 or 10; she's more mature then her years; Im less mature for my years.
.
However, Ill stop; I see her; I look to the left and 2 the right; and say no! NO! Im not going swimming right now or when she is swimming or her friends; Ill keep busy doing something else those next few days and Ill never meet her....
.

I see myself doing art and hanging out at the swings and walking the beach; and at different times; Ill go out and swim on my own and stay close to the cabin. And then with my bike; Ill ride on the outside trails but nothing next to the cabins.
.
Ill stay stealth and out of trouble. Ill stay with myself and keep my composure; and when I get back; Ill talk to a school councilor about my problems and maybe get some help concerning my father and stay in school.

.
Its a horrible time for me; ruthless and worthless what was done to me; I was set adrift. The key is to write stories of imagining of a different outcome; one that is worthy of who I am. And thats how Im going to change this.
.
As for the girl; I wanted attention and she was the only one around; thats the problem; that feeling of desperation; I cant give into that. I must learn my worth and stay away from others that would bring me down. Im now learning many things to rise my vibrational quality. This will take real work. Im working on it; I used to stay to myself to keep my worth high; but I got a pat on the back by my father and always new e was near. I had friends in the area as well. At least I thought so. However, I was not doing very well in school and know one cared. So; in my stories that will be a new story; doing well in school.
.o
And now; I will do the same when Im 11 to 13 living with my Grandparents; and I see all the kids in the neighborhood; Ill stay away from them as well; all of them some how. Ill stay away from them; all of them; see myself around better kids; and Ill see about doing well in school and talk the school councilor about bullies bothering me.... And that is a big big big one; telling the school councilor about bullies; Ill do it now that Im an adult; However, that was so far beyond me when young; I had no home anymore or stability; and Im suppose to go on my own and be a parent to myself at 13; a boy; Noway; I did not know anything; impossible. but I can re write the script and do it now.
.
Ill have to re write this story many times until it sticks; until I see myself the way I wanted to see myself; I might introduce new people that I meet; good people; decent people who are going somewhere in life. Ill get to work on it.
.
The goal is to keep working at this stuff; keep un doing and un turning things until I un turn what it will be like to be normal again; what ever that means; having the courage to stand up for myself and my direction in life.

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 5552 times

Who is online

Registered users: Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Feedfetcher