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Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 31, 2019 10:34 pm

Un my imagination; Im looking back at the lake; I see myself hurting and Im with a young girl; she's older then I am; Im about 10? it will be the last time Im at the lake. Several things happen that make things not so fun; I get in trouble for riding my bike on the gravel walkway and I meet an older girl that sees no value in me; but I hang out with her anyway; I can see it; its been closed off for years; these memoreis; and the universe is telling me to back away from her right now in my imagination; change this; see myself at the lake; but pull away from this girl after I see her at the dock. I may have to go it alone for awhile at the lake. I pull away from her and I pull my bike away from the main areas of the cabins and such at the lake; pull it all back; be present and be mindful; Instead of hanging out with that group with that girl; Im going to the outdoor restaurant; Im going to eat something; I am eating something and then walking down the stairs to the beach. And Im walking around the beach; then Ill come back up and get my art supplies. Its not the same without my father. Nothing is the same without my father their to take care of me and have a person to go with or hang out with.
My father used to build us up when kids; it was all fake; such a tragedy. He had me fooled the whole time; but not my brothers; they were never fooled but I did not know my brothers very well or what was really going on.
So; I missed my father at that place. And I remember how useless and lost I felt; and no one cared; I should have been in therapy or something; In a sense; Im now in therapy over it.
I felt bad about myself being around this " lose" girl. She was not my type but I felt desperate to be around anyone; I was a loner in a sense; but I was without love or family or self esteem or self respect; I had nothing. I had no one taking care of me; nothing; I was a throw away wondering around; I did not know I was a throw away yet; However, looking back; I was already a throw away; no one cared about me or my future; nothing; So; I was desperate to be around people. I would take anyone that came along; my mind was warped; and getting worse; a CPTSD warp....
I hung put with this girl that was 2 years older then me and could never appreciate me for any reason; but I would hang around her; I smoked but did not inhale; she told me I was just a boy.... I didnt know what else to do but hang around her and her friends; swim with them. I did not have anyone; the problem is; at this point; The type of friends just dropped to the bottom of the barrel; And so it begins. My whole life plans were ruined because they required others involved in my life. I was just a boy thrown away; and alone. And looking back now; Im going to change that outcome and see myself. I see myself at that lake; I see this girl out on the dock suntanning; she's in a bikini; soft red orange yellow. she has blond hair; she's about 13; Im about 11 or 10; she's more mature then her years; Im less mature for my years.
However, Ill stop; I see her; I look to the left and 2 the right; and say no! NO! Im not going swimming right now or when she is swimming or her friends; Ill keep busy doing something else those next few days and Ill never meet her....

I see myself doing art and hanging out at the swings and walking the beach; and at different times; Ill go out and swim on my own and stay close to the cabin. And then with my bike; Ill ride on the outside trails but nothing next to the cabins.
Ill stay stealth and out of trouble. Ill stay with myself and keep my composure; and when I get back; Ill talk to a school councilor about my problems and maybe get some help concerning my father and stay in school.

Its a horrible time for me; ruthless and worthless what was done to me; I was set adrift. The key is to write stories of imagining of a different outcome; one that is worthy of who I am. And thats how Im going to change this.
As for the girl; I wanted attention and she was the only one around; thats the problem; that feeling of desperation; I cant give into that. I must learn my worth and stay away from others that would bring me down. Im now learning many things to rise my vibrational quality. This will take real work. Im working on it; I used to stay to myself to keep my worth high; but I got a pat on the back by my father and always new e was near. I had friends in the area as well. At least I thought so. However, I was not doing very well in school and know one cared. So; in my stories that will be a new story; doing well in school.
And now; I will do the same when Im 11 to 13 living with my Grandparents; and I see all the kids in the neighborhood; Ill stay away from them as well; all of them some how. Ill stay away from them; all of them; see myself around better kids; and Ill see about doing well in school and talk the school councilor about bullies bothering me.... And that is a big big big one; telling the school councilor about bullies; Ill do it now that Im an adult; However, that was so far beyond me when young; I had no home anymore or stability; and Im suppose to go on my own and be a parent to myself at 13; a boy; Noway; I did not know anything; impossible. but I can re write the script and do it now.
Ill have to re write this story many times until it sticks; until I see myself the way I wanted to see myself; I might introduce new people that I meet; good people; decent people who are going somewhere in life. Ill get to work on it.
The goal is to keep working at this stuff; keep un doing and un turning things until I un turn what it will be like to be normal again; what ever that means; having the courage to stand up for myself and my direction in life.

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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