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Digging out the pain!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Sep 20, 2015 11:24 pm

So, I go further;

I start digging out the pain!

The key is forgiveness until the other person is gone!~ if you have not forgiven everything, it continues to pop up! And thts where I am!

My brother; he stole from me! he is a sociopath! sadistic in nature! he ended up like my mother! ~

Problem; to much time spent on this brother!~ I'm having a hard time letting him go! There is a time or spot in my memory with him in it! He is taking care of me or Im looking up to him! It's a big mistake! I do not know this person; never did! I must remember this and let him go! It's ruining me to hang on to someone or something that never existed! The real person is a sadistic narcissistic sociopath! And a complete waist of my time!

I must dig in deeper to what he did! Stole land and inheritance from me! It hurts from the fear and the memories of a child that I spend around this person! Im hurt because I thought he loved me; he did not; he was not a brother! I must remember this!

I want revenge! This is not the right angle and must pray this out and forgive everything!

The idea is to forgive; and through forgiveness one forgets and I move on! This was not someone I really understood or liked! I must remember, he was never on my side, ever! Its all a lie!

I have to remember; I needed these people for my future! Without them my future did not work! And they never were their for me! So, I must work through this and let it all go and trust God! God will bring back anything I need! I must remember this! Keep praying and working on forgiveness of all things associated with this person and let them go as if you never met them! I can feel the resentment for him ######6 up my life or getting involved in it and stealing from me! Did I not know he was a thief!

I guess I did not know how bad he was!

Mother; my inheritance! I got it swindled out of me; However, I must remember who and what Im dealing with! I had no control over a sadistic psychopath! Therefore, I had nothing anyway!

I must remember; these vermin never really knew me or anything about me! Nothing on the inside!

My house was taken, all personal property of my childhood destroyed or taken, neighborhood taken! Inheritance taken! Time taken! Childhood was destroyed! Schooling destroyed! Art ability ruptured! Interests ruptured! Anything personal ruptured! All friendships destroyed! This was caused when I was pulled out of my childhood at age 10!

Seemed planned! Silently pulled the rug on a 10 year old to destroy their life on purpose!

I am attempting to look at this; what this person did and forgive all things and move on! Get this ######6 vermin jackal out of my personal life so I can live my life again!

I felt fear and intimidation and sorrow! And bulling! Much fear through manipulation and bulling!

I seem to be afraid or the bullies will find out! Im in freeze mode!

I spent much time afraid of losing my mother! Although, they're really is no mother, this was a psychopath using this role; this Identity against me and others! This predator was using different identities to scare and harass people; meaning children!

They don't care; the psychopath thinks its all a game! They are predators attempting to scare the weak!

The threat was' We can do what ever we want to you or we will leave you"!@ they left me anyway! Sadistic psychopaths don't care about anything! They don't care if they scare you into submission, break you then lie then leave you! Makes no difference to them!

I must remember!

What Im bitching about is the lose of my home as a child! I must reframe this differently, it was not my home! I must look at things before this! And not claim what is not mine! I must take this to God!

Still much pain associated with these people!


Bulling intimidation; I have a sense of giving in to bullies! Im very scared of them and freeze up! And I get resentful and full of wrath and don't move! I freeze; Like I had to do in school, grade school and junior high; no one looking after me!

Unfortunately, I move away and join my mother one more time; I last about 2 years I think; 3 maybe before I finally snap! She has no love for me; she had no conscious; but I do not understand this yet! Im starting to when I live with her again! And I love a girl at this destination and lose her!


Best friend!

I had no best friend! I did not know this! I will learn this the hard way! He is specifically from a specific upper middle class neighborhood! I was moved into this neighborhood by the sociopaths! They were their; house hopping! They would move into one home after the other to look good to their family systems! " look at us, ready made families"!

They will live at these homes for short spirits! Possibly, 2 to 5 years; then move on! They are ruthless and do not care about the condition it brings to the children by uprooting their lives! The children are used to make these sociopaths look better to the community or neighbors!

I roamed around in this neighborhood; I did not know I would not be their very long! I wish I had known this; I would have never taken interest in the people of this neighborhood!

It was a beautiful neighborhood and gave the impression that someone had brought me to the neighborhood for my upbringing; They did not! Psychopaths do not care about such things! They have their own motives for what they do!

I roamed and met a friend! One who I thought was a friend! I was making a big big mistake and did not know it!

I was inviting myself into the home of an upper middle class snob! I did not know this! I lived in the neighborhood and thought I was one of the neighborhood! I was not! I was not like the people in this neighborhood! These were Doctors, lawyers, accountants, rich farmers! Profs from the local colleges! Private wealthy business owners! These people had their own way of doing things! Most of these homes were steady; meaning, the same people lived in them; all of their lives! Homes stayed in the families!

These were people I got to know at age 5! I ran around with their children! However, I did not know I was not one of them! And I was not!

When trouble hit! Hit me! I was ostracized by all of these people in this neighborhood! I was rejected; fully rejected as if I had never know anyone! This includes the family I spent time with; that family of my best friend! I found out; he was not a friend! Nor was his family! I meant nothing to him; and did not understand! Now I understand! I was never apart of this neighborhood!

I was played by the sociopaths I was forced to live with; their fake lives! I was no different then a rented toy from the rental center! They had their fun with us, then suddenly, without warning, took us back to the rental center; payed the bill and never came back!

When I tried to go back to my mother! I was rejected fully! She acted like she had never met me! She smiled within her new home in a new location of the state and acted like I was a stranger! Technically I was; First rule! Never ever go back to a sociopath or psychopath; ever! ~ the results are humiliating, demoralizing and horrible!

Psychopaths do not care what they do to children nor what happens to children, nor, if they ever see children again! Its horrible; it is what it is!

My father was no different then my mother! He couldn't care less! No conscious! Nothing!


So, My best friend turns out to be a snob! This is part of the rich! The way they act; the dysfunction! He was not a friend of mine! I was a friend of his! That is because I thought I knew him! In reality, I knew nothing about him!

I thought about him as a brother; someone closer then a brother! He never thought about me ever again!

When I went back to live with him and his family at age 17; I was treated no better then street dirt! It all made no sense! Now, it makes perfect sense!

I was not part of the neighborhood! Nor part of it anymore!

These type of people; the upper middle class rich; they understand the houses next to them! The others in their neighborhoods! But they did not expect or understand someone like myself! I was an oddity! I was brought into this neighborhood under false pretense! That was the oddity! I was never supposed to be their! The sociopaths that brought me their was just Grandstanding! Meaning, showing of! " look at us, look at the new house we bought!: and they would be gone in a few years, and move, and buy another house somewhere else!

My point!

He was never my friend! And I must see this whole thing as a giant misunderstanding and mistake! All of it; knowing this person and or his family! This was a giant big mistake! These people did not recognize me! They never discovered who they were talking to! They did not recognize anything within me! They did not have the values to do so! They were of the upper middle class rich! They this type of person has their own identity and culture! And it was different then mine!

I was not one of them; their for I was thrown out immediately when this was discovered! I was hated and treated like a second class citizen!

I have much work to do!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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