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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- July 2019
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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didnt follow through with housing; scared me!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Jan 12, 2018 11:08 am

The importance of calling someone ; talking to someone when I feel down or in trouble! reaching back, reaching out! connecting!
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Felt very bad about not taking my housing voucher back! I was sick; but still; I was suppose to turn it in the same day; but I didn't! Im OK; the date on is is appropriate! I had to call another worker; other then the one I was working with and get with an appointment; only to find she really didnt understand what I was saying to her when I called her! So, tomorrow, I will take the voucher into her and call her afterward. The point is; Im mad and mad at my mental problems! I dissociated the whole thing; the responsibility to get back paper work on time! It brought up my childhood, where Im going to get destroyed or dumped and no matter what I do or how hard I try I can do nothing about it! I will not win; Ill be going down with the ship! And I have to watch, and theirs nothing I can do about it!
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Well, I can do something about it now! Im slowly learning!
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I go to different meetings of all sorts! Ive had my time with drugs when in high school, and alcohol later in and around and through college and the beginning of the insane years! Im learning right now how to have a manageable life without dissociation whether naturally or with drugs! In the beginning were the years of loneliness and torture and later the pain years; then finally, I was completely insane.
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Ive had numerous breakdowns! I cant reach out and touch anything or be near anything; Im retarded when it comes to interactions; literally, disabled! Im better then I used to be! much much better!
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For me to interact with housing and paperwork and old landlords and notices for this and that; all of this was to much for me in the near past; not that long ago! Im getting better or wanting my life back!
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I have to call people and vent and ask for help; someone to hold my hand, hold me, hold my soul! just hold on to me! let me know Im not alone out in that icy ocean floating around!
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Im learning that I must get strong on the staying positive part of things! keep positive!
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Since Ive thought about it or felt it! I will get the information I was asked for and return it to the housing pace! For some reason, probably because Im sick; i did not get the information in on time! Im OK~ However, this kind of thing freaks me out! ruins everything for me! it was all so nice and simply and together, then suddenly, it all fell apart! What do I do when things fall apart! where do I go! I start getting cold feet! I start to look at the negatives of things!
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People;
The people Ive dealt with in my life are filth. I am not filth! I was led to believe by these scum that I was filth and they be superior to me! The fact was; they were rich filth! nasty dangerous brood of scum! vicious; like the predator psychopath! They are inner species predators; the rich; they feed on their own countrymen! The only thing that can be done is; one must leave and never come back!
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Are they psychopaths? not! just a easy breed of pathological! Some were heading in the direction of psychopath! But in general; its a different breed of pathological! More pathological performer! they are brought up to be go getters with little human interest; more the brother of sociopath then psychopath! They attempt to look good on the outside to the world around them; but they are vicious brook of viper! very very dangerous to the normal person! But you cant see it at first! its masked! The point is! I was around a school of them; a whole community! I wont see it until something goes wrong; when something deeper happens to show the truth!
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I had no idea what was going on until it was 2 late! I was I hanging around any of them; loneliness; thats the only reason! I needed to be loved; I needed a friend! That is my only crime (smile)! These were not the type of humanoids to be friends with! They are no friends and they dont have friends! I was shocked to see what some of these people looked like when they grew up; they had no conscious; and they treated me like a animal in a circus act; a zoo animal! I was so shocked; I didnt get all that mad; I just observed their behavior as they treated me with un Godly prejudice! IT was so bad that I was being treated as if I didnt exist; or I was who they made me out to be! I was not who I actually am! meaning, they had assigned complete identities to me! and those identities were all bad, all negative; all of it; at the level of non human! I was treated like I was a tree monkey! Like I was in a zoo! to my face! 2 inches away from my face; they had all the confidence in the world and felt fine with themselves! and they tried to act pious and as if it was my fault that they had to treat me this way! They have the predator characteristics of the psychopath; but they were not psychopaths! They were something much less but still more; and or dangerous! A combination of narcissist sociopath, pathological performer, very little humanness; arrogance; outer shallowness of an un Godly proportion! Their identity was based on what others saw! They seemed to believe they were actually better then others or superior! and it was all based on judging others! and they assumed their judgment correct against others; and this is where the pathology starts! Psychopothy? yes, certainly; However, more the disease of Psychopathy-, and not real psychopaths! more, deeper traits of it! You would be destroyed if you were around them! if you chose to have your own identity and to be individual within their family group; you would be tramped under foot, and tore to pieces and ostracize; literally torn apart by relational aggression; not wanted; scolded as a bad person or drifter or scum!
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Why/ in the world, would someone want to make me out to be scum; Im the nicest person in the world! surely I am! the reason is; they are a brood of vipers; very caustic and dangerous! very well educated! very little human qualities or need for it! Its very dangerous for the average citizen to be around because they attack you up front if you complete with them; and they feel you are completing with them if you dont get in line and follow along with them as the king or queen or royral family! Let the reader understand; these type of people are not the type you simply analyze; they are dangerous! and must be respected so! and i mean this! they are not the type of people to play games with! They are a brood of predator! They are like cobras! They will strike if you attempt to be yourself around them; and your identity is greater then they simply because of your real virtue! They dont care about right or wrong; they care bout looking important! They are extremely spoiled people! To the point of making you want to puke! No boundaries! They have been taught; they dont need boundaries around any other people in society because they are superior to others in society! they are very dangerous!
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Why Im shocked! I was treated by the community as if I was a bad person; they tried to tear me apart! vicious filth! I was a child! and that is a sign of the what people are really like! They looked up to each other as if they were all respectable people! Their is never any respect when people mis judge children and destroy them! At first its confusing! Then alter one sees it. They are child destroyers; that is all they are! butchers! And many of them!
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Later, or a few years ago, I was around more of them; God put me into situations that I may observe them! and I did! instead of getting mad; I looked up to God in prays; I realized that God was trying to continually point something out to me! Im continually going back to these type of people trying top be friends with them; Im lonely and in need of being around people! God continues to show me that these are not the people Im suppose to be around!
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Im a kind decent respectable person! My identity was literally trampled to death;' I was destroyed! Im a decent person! This means the people who did this were not. However, it goes much further! It means theirs no way; its not safe, for a decent person to be around these type of jackals! They are inner species predators!  
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The scum rises to the top! lately I've seen this in many groups! So called leaders wanting too make a name for themselves and look and be important; them and their wives or husbands or children; they want to be the stars of the groups or the leaders within the groups! Ive seen how Im treated! When mentally ill; I was accepted because I was easily manipulated! Now, that Im starting to get my senses back; Im hated or Im being treated hostile! What these scum dont know! I've been dealing with people like this all my life! they are nothing new! In fact; God is with me, traveling with me! He is showing me; over over n over! " look Omnicell, Look at the people you are hanging around with, look at the type of people your dealing with! Look at them; they are crooks or criminals; same type of filth! They are murder's.
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The point is; they see no value in me; nothing! They see nothing! And God is or was trying to point this out! They see nothing in me! Im the most deeply decent filled human being you've ever met; How can these people see nothing; because they dont care; they are pure evil! They try to make themselves out to be decent people! They cant! They can look good to their other friends or what ever; but they cant complete with real human beings! I was demolished and worse; I was predatorized out of existence!
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I was lonely and wanted friends or family or someone to love! I was destroyed by this! I simply had no idea what these filth were; non of them; this includes the towns people!
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I was demoralized by different people in different institutions! I had no idea this would happen or others would allow it or not care! they didnt! Its worse then hate! ITs butchery of people under 18.
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Not one of them was good; not one! thats what over whelmed me! No matter where I went; it was the same kind of manipulators! and its that way today! However, I know more today! And it hasn't stopped! they continue to apply this to me now; some do, at different groups! Ive been able to watch; I've been able to observe. Its all about them!
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Im working with God to understand where the people are that I am to become real friends with! Ive had no real friends or anyone on my side; its been this way all my life!
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When I was young; I loved a girl! she turned out to be no different then all the rest! She trusted me at first! I broke that trust, but I tried to go back to her! she wouldn't allow it! She judged me as a harmless weakling! I was no weakling! I went back to her several times and asked her if she wanted to hang out with me! meaning; If she had value for me, she would hang out with me; why?, she can see the value in me! I had problems; I pulled away from her; I was scared of getting hurt! But Im still decent person! and did she see this! She saw nothing; no decrement for right or wrong; nothing! Its true that I opened up to her! I got the situation started! she trusted me! then I turned on her! This was more mental illness based at the time! I tried to go back! I was judged and put into a box; a judgment box; category and thrown away and forgotten about! What freaked me out was seeing her later! She could careless when she saw me! I loved her! She owed me nothing; not after I abandon her! but my question; I came back to her! Why did she not see my worth! why not look at me and judge me from the point of view that I have problems! I noticed that she saw nothing in me! it was more like; I gave her attention and she responded to the attention and I build trust and she responded to that trust; and thats it! That was the level of the relationship! later, I was treated like I was a fool! but Im not a fool! I tried several times to interact with her! but I wouldn't go back to her! I did not trust her or her family; I realized she was never going to give up her family! I thought it was her and me against the world! it was not! I was mistaken! she was of the rich and that scared me! later, she was going to have people beat me up! This would have put me in the hospital! This was no joke! Who was this that I was trying to get close to? another sociopath! probably! No matter where I went or what direction I took, I was ending up around sociopaths in every direction!
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I know their are quality people in the world, like me! Human beings like me! I have to work with God to find them! God has taken me on journeys to show me these people; let me sit with them and eat with them and get ripped off by them; this is in adult world! God allowed me to sit and observe their behavior! and I have! They are vicious vicious people; worthless, money hogs looking for external praise. Whey they realize I wont be giving it; they ignore me as if Im of no value to them; and Im not; I see through this game; they are using me!
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As I get better; I must ask God where to go and where it is safe for me!
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Ive found that most institutions; not all, but many, the scum has risen to the top! In situations where the group is about helping people; sociopaths have taken over at the top to make a name for themselves; wanting popularity and to look pious and important! God fearing! They are not God fearing; they are fakes! predators looking to be seen or get a pat on the back from their other sociopath friendships! Im not one of them!
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Today, Im slowly getting back, slowly, to who I am!
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I've learned one thing about all of this! one has to get away from these i inner species predators! they live off the people around them; eating them alive!
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They will turn and call me bad or a predator! They will spit venom on me! Ive seen it! Ive had it happened when they think I think Im just as pious as they are; they get mad because Im competing with them for their social status and they will attempt to put me down with contempt! I know; Ive had it thrown in my face a thousand times; its beyond in human! They are like cobras; no conscious; nothing! These are ruthless opportunist! Nothing more! in human predators of their own kind! I am not!
In the Bible; Jesus was destroyed by these type! and now; these type hid in that presence; that church like presence; they rise to the top in these places; these holy places to look good to the outside world; they have no values and care nothing for the truth! They dont care what they do to others; they have no human conscious! And their are many of them! and they will destroy people like me because I am a pious person and a decent person and a kind person; I am a sensitive nice person; and they want me dead!
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The key is; move on and away from them! One has to stop contact; that is the answer; and do not listen to their words or body language! " does this person like me or are they ignoring me; did I do something wrong"?" one has to get away from these filth. Not worry about what they are or if they like me or dont like me! they are pure evil! one simply must stop all contact!
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Finding new people! I must work with the universe; have a relationship with God and the universe and source energy of the universe! The better that relationship; the better chance the universe can help me!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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