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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Development with women

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Fri Dec 29, 2017 6:24 pm

This is an interesting topic! in order for it to work; I have to process the past; a past of developmental time periods! I have bi pass them and start again; start new! start pre beginning and beginning and prepare! and pre everything! pre women! I have to start out as a small child curious of women! and thats what I feel like! in side me I feel like Im 2 years old or 4 years old sucking my numb and curiously looking at women!
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The rejection by my mother the psychopath! in reality; this is a psychopath! The younger I go in memories; the more I want to see my mother the women; not a psychopath! its all about getting my mothers attention! The problem is psychopaths are dangerous; they are un healthy to be around and horribly dangerous for children to be around because the psychopath is an interim societal predator; they pray upon children and they pray upon anything that is close to them! they are like a walking alligator; they hunt at any pond they find themselves in! and unfortunately they will destroy young babies or small children with no remorses! and I'm afraid I was damaged from the ages of 0-3. When I began to wake up as a human being at the age of 3 1/2; I was confronted by the psychopath with their masks off from the beginning! and I acted like a veteran of it at 3 1/2 years old!
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So, the average hot women that comes up to me and sees me; she is all dressed to kill, has a family, divorced; I'm possible for me to date or get close to! Im to worried because Im working on psych stuff to work through my childhood and here she is looking for a man who will take care of her and her children! impossible! ridiculous! ITs not ridiculous that she needs a real man; Im not it because Im not a real man; not at that level! Im not past 4 years old when it comes to dealing with women!
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Who do I start with! I have to be with women that are down to earth and old fashioned; they want to help me! help me grow! helpers! And this has to come from God!
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What do I desire! a hot milf! but its not possible! I freeze up and run and hide because I dont have the requirements for it! all I can do is reject the women and run; run away as fast as possible! Im trying to learn how to play and be free. Im trying to learn how to play and be free while some women is walking up to me expecting me to take responsibility for her and her children and play this man Daddy roll! its so laughable; all of it. I just run away! The problem is; the women is hot and I want her; but its impossible! I dont have the maturity to interact with her! She's talking at a level of family; a 40 year old man is what she wants; Im like a 4 year old dealing with mental problems! The gap is so wide between us, you would think we didnt come from the same cultures! and in all reality; we dont! You would think we didnt come from the same universe! maybe we dont! What I believe in and what she believes in are 2 different worlds. I want someone down to earth and understands what its like to be broken; I want someone on my side!
I come from a sub culture of ruined children; we are trying to get on our feet so we can survive; I guess its from this group Im interested in finding friends; This group of broken people.
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For the longest time I have not wanted anything to do with much broken children types; drugs and jails and street life is their hobbies and not mine! For startling reasons, I came from a middle class background! it was by chance; but it happened! I fit with middle class broken deep people; not always something that you find! I can get along with D.O.C. people! allot of them; not all; some are sociopaths! I stay away from them! However, I can get along but Im not dating any of the women from this group; I've been their; Not interested! Im interested in women who have gone to college who have values! But also broken and want to help! I have to work with God on all of this and stay out of the outcome! Is this possible; To find an Asian-soulmate like this; yes; God will bring them.
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The problem is; the world will continue to through me away if I give it anything! its like feeding an evil dog! If I put food in my hand and put it up to the dogs mouth; I get my hands bit off! and thus it is with this society and its people and its women; as long as they bow down to society and make this evil society their Gods; I want nothing to do with them. IT doesn't matter; I was never noticed by anyone anyway! My good or my best character was considered weakness by the vast women I watched or over heard or met! Because I was a decent person of quality; I was considered a weakling! I simply receded from these fools and never went forth again!
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I have extensive damage from this psychopath when interacting with women; The things I was told about myself and how I was treated when younger was horrifying and I was made to feel inferior to women; I was told I was inferior to women and I was told why! I was only 5 years old. I was brainwashed into thinking I was inferior to women; I actually didnt feel inferior to women; I never trusted women because they were tying to take little children and con. After awhile; I didnt bother with women; I assumed they didnt like me; so I stayed away! later, i wanted nothing to do with the women in my country because I had no money; and I had nothing to offer them; they wanted privilege and entitlement; I was a broken honest person of genuine sincere interests; and no one wanted that!
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The effect at 4 years old and 5 years old of being around a women that hated children or male children! This hate was a contempt for human beings and especially men! but later it wasn't just men; it was never just men! later when I was around women or girls; she did the same things with them and the same things with my father; so it was a complete contempt for all human beings.
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Relational aggression against children; thats what she was doing; to cut them down verbally assaultive in nature; horrible levels; meaning the lowest sub human level of frequency., All I could do was hang on! but my trust in the human race or people was destroyed! As for females my own age! I guess I was OK; I never associated other females my own age with this psychopathic monster! I knew my mother was just one single person and had no representative of anyone else but her! However, I really feared other peoples mothers!
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My self worth was pounded into the floors! meaning, I was verbally castrated when young; 4 years old; 3 years old; 5 and 6 years old! As much as this psychopath could get away with; However, and may the reader understand this; a strange phenomenon occurs with the psychopath; They seem to respond to authority! My father treated my mother like he was a prison guard and she responded naturally to it; quit strange! His authority kept her inline; she would not do anything to us; or the least she could; she would still try if she could get me alone; verbally abuse me! And worse; ultimately, this psychopath wanted to get you to a point of being completely helpless; life death, then leave you their stranded for ever; much like taking a child way up into the mountains, Getting them out in the wilderness for days or weeks and then leaving them; leaving them lost in the woods, hundreds of miles from no where with no chance of survival; this is the authentic nature of a psychopath; they are extremely dangerous
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What would this psychopath do if she had me alone for a long period of time with no supervision; she would have had me raped; later she did; and or put me into a bathtub of scolding hot water and would test the water herself to make sure its temperature; and do so with a sick smile on her face; I remember; because I was screaming and my father heard it from outside and came into the house to find her scolding me in the bath tub; he looked at her like she was nuts; grabbed her hands and pulled her back and pulled me out of the tub and yelled at her as if yelling at a dog that had crossed to the other side of the fence without permission!
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My mother would in circle you as a predator! if you were left along with her; she would naturally attack; every time! 13 years later when she trapped me in a car and begin to take her masks down; she verbally attacked me exactly as she did when I was 3 1/2. I think what freaked me out the most; no growth! nothing! This was exactly what she had done 13 years before; I mean exactly! no change; no growth; nothing! This was her personality not a character flaw! its a sick thing to watch. but no one under 18 years old has the right to never to be exposed to this toxin; and I was exposed to it from the beginning of my life! Like getting hit with WW1 cyanide mustered gas over n over n over! and no place to run and no place to get help.
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I was over ran and becoming warped in my brain and or mind and body and nervous system! slowly being broken down and destroyed! it is that destruction Im attempting to get over today! If I had just one friend from that time; but I nothing. IT was all fraud!
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I think Im scared; Im scared that all women will turn out possibly to be like my mother; who cant be trusted; middle class spoiled will set in! Im never sure! I cant tell if Im going into a trap! My mother was a chameleon; almost to the point of split personalities; on off with no conscious! This looked much like someone with personality disorder; happy then anger! However, in the psychopath it was smiling with a social grace then; a psychopathic monster that wants to burn children; all from the same psychopathic personality! I was exposed to this at extremes all the time until I started loosing touch with reality; plus I was being completely neglected out of my young childhood! Soon, I was de compensate and seemed to go into a dream world, more n more n more n more n more! Then later given away as a throw away child at the age of 10; then the outside world would be throwing me away; abusing me; all those institutions and neighborhoods and churches I was suppose to trust! I didnt know they were talking about the rich when they were talking about who could be saved!
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The point is; Their is no development with women! I saw women on TV up to the ages of about 7; I assumed I would develop with them later, as I grew up. I played with other kids my own age when 4 at nursery school; later then 4 I start to loose it; Im slowly splitting inside my personality! I have my dream world of what i want life to be like, However, in the outside world, I find myself in a world with no help; no attention; I assume i have to get things for myself; but it gets harder n harder; and the other kids around me dont seem to have to work at it like I do; someone else is helping them; they are getting help; all kinds of help; Im getting nothing in every direction ; and when they do; it comes natural for them to get it, but not for me; they are making much bigger gains then I am! Im all alone! What I dont realize; Im completely alone relying on TV shows for my view of what I think things are and aught to be! All my dreams come from TV! All my hopes of the future come from TV! from the shows! but it will not help me in the end; in the end, all things will be taken away from me; I will be stripped of my life!
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So, Im stripped of my life and destroyed! and then Im in recovery, now, Im getting better; I have no experiences with humans! I have no experiences with women, who are part of a human race; nothing; I mean nothing; I love women and desire them obsessively like any man; I dont like their earth land! or their earth up bringing! I dont like the population or how they act; it does not seem right or natural; it is contrived! I dont like where they come from or how their brought up! It is the way they've been taught that I dont like! I like women but I dont like how they've been cultur-ized in society! I dont trust that cultural-ization; I dont like a society that creates sociopaths and bullies that have the right to walk around school yards and sidewalks and business offices and take over as if they own the place; placing the normal citizen at harms reach! its offensive! This whole society is offensive; its offensive to the point that I have to turn my back to it; and Im a decent man! I tell myself this cant be the society I came from; its to shameful to admit I live here or how the people are a disgrace ; I turn my eyes from it and walk the other direction! sickening; all of this; and the people ; the way they've been corrupted; brought up; sickening; no respect or value for anything. the way they bow down to the authority in this place! and question nothing! As if they really own the place or believed any authority is on their side; its beyond stupid. These people are being used like cattle; dont they care?; I guess not!
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Im attempting to learn how to be happy, regardless of the outside world! or what is going on!
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As for women; I have to work with God to bring the right women around me that I can re enter into a women's world; so I can gain some much lost experiences! I need women of worth or substance; not filth! I need decent people around me! These are people who are awake, who are not cattle being led by their masters. I need people of worth and see my worth; are attracted to me! And this comes from God! So, I have to work with God on this!
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How could God allow all of this trouble to be fall me in this human experience; why should I trust the universe? it seems to me that the universe is my enemy! its been proven! and yet, Im suppose to turn all this around and trust the universe! well?, Im talking to the universe about all of this! Im not sure the message is getting through! Ill keep at it! Trusting the universe is where all this starts!
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Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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