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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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deprograming

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Mar 03, 2014 11:05 pm

Im so sure these blogs will be small; never!


Im getting somewhere in my recovery; Im getting closer, (the goal is freedom; freedom is the goal! The real goal, realistic first major gaol; To participate in activities and relationships. This means the ability to sustain a relationship with a girl, and to feel In the Hear n know. To feel in the hear n now making art; without freaking out because Im exposing to much of self!

Im slowly heading in a direction to deal with it. This is what Im dealing with;

PTSD time periods: PTSD time periods are blocking other PTSD time periods. I work through one set of memories, only to land on something other then the (original-me) memories; but Im working on it and making progress. Im close. Im closer. Im seeing memories. These are memories of the original me! These are the more sensitive meaningful memories of a life that was destroyed or stolen. Im not seeing these memories from outside looking in from another personality. These memories have integrated in some levels of saturation. They are close. They seem close to my present personality. They want to creep back in and take over. They are not over flowing yet into me; not yet; getting close.

I am getting blocked at the meetings! I use the meetings to express my feelings about my memories. When I start to talk, people start cross talking and getting up and showing a regular disrespect. Nothing new, except its getting worse as I get better. I believe this is a human trait that suggests Im heading out away from the wolf pack. Im climbing out of the wolf pack, and they are going to do everything they can to block it out of hatred and contempt! It won't work; I have God on my side, and Im slowly sobering up! Im becoming a bit more sane, so it won't work. I seem to be one step ahead of them at all times...

Lots of groups of people don't listen to rules, they are more interested in the personalities and showing worshiping qualities to those personalities. They look for status. Im looking for recovery. I do not have status within the group! I don't want it so I by pass the need to show strong personally. I may appear with strong personality. but Im not interested in being a leader, Im just using the place to get better and get back on my feet. Im not done with the 12 step group system. ITs the greatest thing on the planet. With the combination of the rooms, and therapy, I have come back to life. Im not cured yet. I have a long way to go. I have lots of feelings and memories to work through.

Im not sure how Im going to handle the memories when living in my house when I can't go back! And this is a huge huge jarring problem. This is the big split, the big smash!

First, I need all my memories back, then I will decide what I will do with them! Thats a start!

I have to process the evil people that took my life from me. Took me away from my house and my life. I have to process the whole of the community that tried to destroy me afterwards by making me out to be a bad person; it was incredible. I know what kills children; its the whole community. The whole of the community shuts down on a child because the child exposes the communities corruptions. And the community is willing to have the child die to keep the darkness they live by! Its incredible what I went through. I still cannot believe it. the community was a horror show. It was a nest of mid to upper level demonic humans! I was born into the wrong place and time. Well, the time was OK. But something else was missing.

When my father left; everything was gone! He didn't care about us! I thought he did. He was just having fun with children he did not have to pay for! When we got to old he left! I was 9. He had no remorse about it! nothing. I could not process anything, I had no chance, no one was interested in what I had to say or what I was going through. And not having the ability to talk to anyone helped to created a complete disfiguring of self! And added more n more to the PTSD world and dissociative disorder.

The problem with sociopaths; they feel nothing, so they do not understand the pain and torment of a regular person. They might abandon, torture, rape, or destroy or kill there own family members and feel nothing. They might one day decide to pack up and leave and leave everyone behind for good and feel nothing about it. They never look back no matter what! They have no past. And they apply this to anyone they are near! And finally they applied to there own children; the children are instantly destroyed. And with most sociopaths, they destroy anyone near them very quickly.

Im needing to get to the truth and see the past for what it was, that I can let go of it; move on. I would say its no big deal. meaning, If I work through the stuff and move on! and come back into the present from the braking area at age 9, I should have a good run at my life.

Im needing to work through things and realize Im OK now! I will learn to work through the losses of my mother n father; or concept of mother father!, and that special young time period; things like; ice skating at the ice rink, and girl friends, and my best friend, and school, and church! and halloween and Christmas and Christmas plays and snow fights and fire places. Everything was destroyed. When my father was in control, we were safe for a short time. He as a narcissistic sociopath! At some point in the future, he will leave and not come back!

My mother stated that men were inferior and therefore should be treated as such. She was suggesting that boys should be the equal of jews in a nazi prison camp. At first this might seem like a women that hates men. This is not the case; this is no women, this is a sadistic sociopath. This is not traditional hate; this is hate for the human race redirected through the bizarre; the mind of a sociopath makes no real sense to the normal. Again, This is not a human, this is a sociopath! What this sociopath is suggesting is; boys should be treated like second class slaves, raped, butcherers, disfigured and shot and or killed or driven to suicide. And Sociopaths get off on this kind of thing!

She had no remorse for children, even very young children ( nothing). this does not mean she came at us with knives. She was intelligent! She waited, but her general attitude was that of a demon stalking its prey! and this is all! meaning, she had no other traits. It was all mimic and fake, and aggressive attack, or passive aggressive attack. And attack against children!

All living things, these types will go to war against! If children or small children, they are finished, they do not have a chance, they will be destroyed.

Sociopaths only think about themselves to an indecent level! If you are around a sociopath, you will want to kill them within three minutes because of the offensive nature of their intent and speech.

Thank God there were no sisters. If I had sisters, they would have been destroyed. I have no idea how they would have turned out! suicide. Im not sure! I think they would have been killed very young.

My mother remarried! the daughter, who was older of this new family; she was in her lat 20's, flipped! She was the first to complain that this women was a witch that was tearing her family apart, taking her father from her. And she was right. To bad. And it never ended. It helped to destroy this daughter as well. Although this step daughter was older. This shows the consistency of the sociopath. They are like a lizard; they feed and that is all. they feed on the creation of misery of human beings.

Im attempting to work through this stuff and come out on the other side of things that I can re-experience life! be free of the past; the hold of fear it has on me! and Im getting recovery!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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