Our partner

User avatar
OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
Archives
- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

+ October 2019
+ September 2019
+ August 2019
+ July 2019
+ June 2019
+ May 2019
+ April 2019
+ March 2019
+ February 2019
+ January 2019
+ December 2018
+ November 2018
+ October 2018
+ September 2018
+ August 2018
+ July 2018
+ June 2018
+ May 2018
+ April 2018
+ March 2018
+ February 2018
+ January 2018
+ December 2017
+ November 2017
+ October 2017
+ September 2017
+ August 2017
+ July 2017
+ June 2017
+ May 2017
+ April 2017
+ March 2017
+ February 2017
+ January 2017
+ December 2016
+ November 2016
+ September 2016
+ August 2016
+ July 2016
+ June 2016
+ May 2016
+ April 2016
+ March 2016
+ February 2016
+ January 2016
+ December 2015
+ November 2015
+ October 2015
+ September 2015
+ August 2015
+ April 2015
+ March 2015
+ February 2015
+ January 2015
+ December 2014
+ November 2014
+ October 2014
+ September 2014
+ August 2014
+ July 2014
+ June 2014
+ May 2014
+ April 2014
+ March 2014
+ February 2014
+ January 2014
+ December 2013
+ November 2013
+ October 2013
+ September 2013
+ August 2013
+ July 2013
+ June 2013
+ May 2013
+ April 2013
+ March 2013
+ February 2013
+ January 2013
+ December 2012
+ November 2012
+ October 2012
+ September 2012
+ August 2012
+ July 2012
+ June 2012
+ May 2012
+ April 2012
+ March 2012
+ February 2012
+ January 2012
+ December 2011
+ November 2011
Search Blogs

Defense Anxiety

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 21, 2013 11:49 pm

Im better, and the loss of my original family that I loved so very much is just to much! Its so strange. It was destroyed, and Ive been told by God and my therapist to trust God and take God with me! and this ######6 pisses me off, because its an ending or conclusion to a family system; the only one I ever knew.

I really loved and looked up to my DAD and he turned out to be nothing more then a ######6 rapist! No better. I watch after he was divorced, I watched how he exposed me to the people he seduced; he could careless, he never tried to take care of me, he was more interested in 18 year old girls he could predator. I meant nothing to him, he did not have the personality to have children. I thought this person loved me! He loved nothing, he was a sociopathic predator and nothing more. He was also a thief and had no problem exposing this stuff to me! He cared nothing about my upbringing.

I never knew these people were like this. I was lost and left alone for ever! ######6 vermin. Its unthinkable! I went to sleep and I never woke up!

However, I have had years and years of 12 step work and outside help, and Im slowly starting to process everything again and remember who I am sort a. Im starting to get those memories back when living on C street. ITs very very hard stuff because I can never return. However, I can return to self.
I am Dam lucky! I was at deaths door most of the time! I was hanging by a shoe string as they saY; truly nothing left of me!

Now:

Im left with defense walls. I talked to my therapist, its defenses created by my animal brain. These defenses tell me I will be destroyed by all people all the time! and I cannot shut it off! It is these defenses that are getting in the way of meeting people and interacting with them; Im not ready!

I am slowly working on them as I gain permission to remember everything on C street. C street was me! I was created in that house on C street. It should have never been taken from me; ######6 filth! ITs unbelievable; murderers. And murderers is the conclusion I have come up with! they are sociopath murderers and nothing less; regardless of how they brought about death. They brought about death to others while they ran off and escaped. They were sociopaths, so I understand what they are! I am not on there side and never will be! they are the enemy of someone like myself.

OK; back to subject:

Pride is a bitch! its stops me from so many things. I wish I had the guts to over come it. Im going to have to prey about this. Its a character flaw that has ruined me! Well, Im so chicken! I will have to look into this. Also, Im going to have to look into the kind of women I want!

Women I want;
I haven't thought about it. I thought they were all the same! If they are cute, then everything goes. Not so!
Im not sure how to start! I believe Im going to start with someone that I would want, not someone I think I deserve or do not deserve based on my economic situations. This is a different form of misery!
-----------------------------------------

So, as I move forward, I am forced to let go of the past! and it hurts so much! what did I do to deserve this! and I lost my only friends and I did nothing wrong.

I am glad I am not around those people anymore! they were never my friends in the first place and they had no reason or business being around someone decent like me! horrified. They never wanted to see me again; as if I did not exist, how can people be like this. This is beyond me! Its horrifying. All of this is horrifying.. How could my mother wreck me and my brothers. Why! How can people do this to other people; Sociopath! may I never forget!

Music:
Its simple, its about the work involved. How much work am I willing to do!

I have software I want to buy and this has been a big dilemma. Which ones do I want! I hope I can keep working at things. The stuff is not cheap. I mean its either 100$ bucks for the basic, or its 400 bucks for the major. and thats cool and that sucks...

Ive decided to stay at my church. Im not sure why. except God seems to want me their. The minister is what he is. I don't really get it! I wanted to leave. God is telling me to stay!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
0 Comments Viewed 3413 times

Who is online

Registered users: Allcoulors, Bing [Bot], Google [Bot], Google Adsense [Bot], Google Feedfetcher, Majestic-12 [Bot], MSN [Bot], NorthDBoy, Oleander000, paul1187, TeddyBear the helper, Tyler, vdgg