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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Defense Anxiety

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Nov 21, 2013 11:49 pm

Im better, and the loss of my original family that I loved so very much is just to much! Its so strange. It was destroyed, and Ive been told by God and my therapist to trust God and take God with me! and this ######6 pisses me off, because its an ending or conclusion to a family system; the only one I ever knew.

I really loved and looked up to my DAD and he turned out to be nothing more then a ######6 rapist! No better. I watch after he was divorced, I watched how he exposed me to the people he seduced; he could careless, he never tried to take care of me, he was more interested in 18 year old girls he could predator. I meant nothing to him, he did not have the personality to have children. I thought this person loved me! He loved nothing, he was a sociopathic predator and nothing more. He was also a thief and had no problem exposing this stuff to me! He cared nothing about my upbringing.

I never knew these people were like this. I was lost and left alone for ever! ######6 vermin. Its unthinkable! I went to sleep and I never woke up!

However, I have had years and years of 12 step work and outside help, and Im slowly starting to process everything again and remember who I am sort a. Im starting to get those memories back when living on C street. ITs very very hard stuff because I can never return. However, I can return to self.
I am Dam lucky! I was at deaths door most of the time! I was hanging by a shoe string as they saY; truly nothing left of me!

Now:

Im left with defense walls. I talked to my therapist, its defenses created by my animal brain. These defenses tell me I will be destroyed by all people all the time! and I cannot shut it off! It is these defenses that are getting in the way of meeting people and interacting with them; Im not ready!

I am slowly working on them as I gain permission to remember everything on C street. C street was me! I was created in that house on C street. It should have never been taken from me; ######6 filth! ITs unbelievable; murderers. And murderers is the conclusion I have come up with! they are sociopath murderers and nothing less; regardless of how they brought about death. They brought about death to others while they ran off and escaped. They were sociopaths, so I understand what they are! I am not on there side and never will be! they are the enemy of someone like myself.

OK; back to subject:

Pride is a bitch! its stops me from so many things. I wish I had the guts to over come it. Im going to have to prey about this. Its a character flaw that has ruined me! Well, Im so chicken! I will have to look into this. Also, Im going to have to look into the kind of women I want!

Women I want;
I haven't thought about it. I thought they were all the same! If they are cute, then everything goes. Not so!
Im not sure how to start! I believe Im going to start with someone that I would want, not someone I think I deserve or do not deserve based on my economic situations. This is a different form of misery!
-----------------------------------------

So, as I move forward, I am forced to let go of the past! and it hurts so much! what did I do to deserve this! and I lost my only friends and I did nothing wrong.

I am glad I am not around those people anymore! they were never my friends in the first place and they had no reason or business being around someone decent like me! horrified. They never wanted to see me again; as if I did not exist, how can people be like this. This is beyond me! Its horrifying. All of this is horrifying.. How could my mother wreck me and my brothers. Why! How can people do this to other people; Sociopath! may I never forget!

Music:
Its simple, its about the work involved. How much work am I willing to do!

I have software I want to buy and this has been a big dilemma. Which ones do I want! I hope I can keep working at things. The stuff is not cheap. I mean its either 100$ bucks for the basic, or its 400 bucks for the major. and thats cool and that sucks...

Ive decided to stay at my church. Im not sure why. except God seems to want me their. The minister is what he is. I don't really get it! I wanted to leave. God is telling me to stay!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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