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OMNICELL
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
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Dealing wth my first love and other things

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Tue Oct 10, 2017 6:14 pm

exposer therapy; I write about the same things. all the time, slowly bringing out new areas of interest for myself to expose and deal with!
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The first girl I loved I went after because I loved; then I stopped! I stopped going after her! I gave up! I realized she was in another economic bracket! When I first met her, this did not matter, later, the world caved in on me but not her! She continued to excel! I dropped out of everything and moved away; before this, I called her but she was not interested in my friendship! She had moved on! I did not ask for anything! But I was asking for something non verbal! I wanted her to prove she liked me! She could prove she liked me by allowing me to slowly get to know her as the real me! This did not happen! I simply asked her if she wanted to study together or hang out! she said no! I did not push the issue! I said ok and hung up! she was given the chance freely to be with me; she chose not to! I did not follow!
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I loved her; so, I called her a few times, she was not interested! I refused to follow! The strange thing is; why?, why did I stop associating with her! I turned her into my enemy; why?! I started to judge her through jealousy! I turned on her and started playing the victim; this is how I wanted her attention; but before this, I was in control; I took control because I created the friendship! I did this because she needed a friend and I was going to be her friend! She needed to be loved so I loved her! But this stopped; not by her, by me! I didnt continue with it or follow through! and Id like to know why! To this day, something scared me off! Coward-ss scared me off! I could have married her! she was mine!
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I understand the outside issues that causes stress; stress enough for me to break inside! but, why did I not go back up to her and tell her! I blamed her or took it out on her! I used her by switching my trust away from her! I turned on her! I positioned her or boxed her in psychologically as the enemy, just like everyone else was the enemy! PTSD was part of the problem! my family life, at the time, collapsed because their was no family life! I was re living with a mother( monster) that had abandon me; threw me away, sold the childhood house I lived in, moved to the other side of the state! I was left! I had no more identity or neighborhood or childhood; nothing! I was stripped of my life! Striped of my chances in school! everything destroyed! stripped of the ability for relationship development and talent development!
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And I have a million reasons of why I was not good enough for this person; I turned on her with this manipulation or feel sorry for me martyr thing! but I didnt need to! I thought I would not be accepted once she found out I was going nowhere in life! it wasn't my fault and I didnt want to be judged! But I forgot that I created the intent and interest in being her friend for her sake, not mine! I started it; I led her on or created the attraction! I cared about what happened to her.
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I felt that later, it didnt matter! I was probably never suppose to know her in the first place! the family I was living with had money enough to live in a decent neighborhood in this new city, her family lived up the street! I, however, was not part of that economic situation, as I was not being trained through the school system to do anything! I was basically a drop out; but did not know it! I was intelligent but the system was useless for me; no one cared about me dead or alive! so, I had no grades, no success less in class's, nothing! I mean, i finally dropped out and moved away; no one cared! ! When I was young, I had great plans for myself; I had no idea the type of situation was going to occur in my life! I had always been a throw away and didnt know it; an exposable child! soon, I became suicidal as a older child. I met this girl at age 14! I was thrown away at age 9, it started about the age of 6 o7, took huge effect at age 10 through 13! I was being sexually abused by the people I was living with, so I had to move somewhere! I was 10 to 13 when being sexually abused! I was in trauma and shock and could never go home; my home was gone and the house literally sold out from under me as if I never came from that neighborhood!
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When I let go of the girl; I didnt want to live anymore! I never got the impression she cared; but, as I re read this; this is a lie; she did care; she cared with all her life! I loved her! and she was innocent and loved me back! she did care! I could have married her! but I didnt! and thats what this blog is about! Im trying to find answers to this so I dont repeat this again! I dont want to throw away what God brings me again! I thought I had played the cards under the table and gotten somewhere by throwing her away; or an evil angry part of me thought so! Wrong or bad timing! I was angry and taking my anger out on the world; but it was bad timing!
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I was testing her to see she would care why I was acting the way I was acting; she went back to being a stuck up cheerleader in school and acted as if she had never met me and I meant nothing to her! This caught me by surprise! I thought something was wrong with this! how could I love her and she tell someone I meant nothing to her! ( I never told her I loved her, I never made a move on her! I rejected her when she put herself in a position to have a move made on her; I rejected her). Still a stuck up kind of arrogance or pathological state was coming out of her at some point, and I didnt like it! it scared me; it reminded me of my mother! and did not want anyone like that in my life! and more n more I began to see more n more of my mother in her!
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Was I being played; was this really that kind of situations! I had gotten involved with someone that was playing me! possibly! possibly, I had no first love! it was all in my imagination! I knew the person and wanted her to love me, I gave her attention! but in reality, I may have meant nothing to her! I rejected her several times and never followed through with any advances toward her; she wrote me off as just a little boy needing a friend, and I wasn't taken seriously after that! Her mother even made this comment to me! After this I thought; what a bunch of filth trash, and stayed silent from then on! after more treatment like this; where I wasn't taken seriously, I slowly left and never came back! what a bunch of arrogant filth!
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I had problems; I l loved her! as soon as I showed signs of neediness as a human being, I was judged, compartmentalized and treated like a weakling of no significance! I was shocked by this; this type of ignorance and arrogance! I thought to myself " do I really want to be around a person like this"; however, the girl waited for me to kiss her or do something! several times I rejected her! pushed her away! So I was not taken seriously! but i thought she should look through this; be able to question the situation! and I really loved her; but after this, I started thinking she was like everyone else! She didnt bother looking any deeper at me; so I guess I really didnt matter! that was the message I got from her! she could take me or find someone else to fill the position! I also had this feeling that latter when she woke up and got a few years older, she would realize how good looking she was and dump me! She was one of the three best looking girls in the school! When we were in high school, she was a beautiful head cheerleader! I just assumed she had made a mistake with me! when she realized what her looks and position could get her, she would dump me! and that is exactly what happened! And she took that cheerleader stuck up stance with me! and I took to to heart! it was one more slap in the face! This was no friend of mine! and this was not someone on my side! never was! this was a stranger and my enemy! I didnt hate her, but I hated everything else about how she lived, what she was and who she associated with and her parents and anyone else like them! but I loved her! In the end; it meant nothing to her!

In the end it meant nothing to her; WRONG!
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Heres the deal; in the beginning she has already given herself to me! she was mine and that was that! if I hadn't left her; I would be married to her to this day! She already proved herself; that is what was missing from my writings! I could have gone to her at anytime and married her, she would not ever turn me down, ever! but I didnt think I was good enough! How do I say this; I wasn't good enough! I mean; i wasn't developed enough for her hi level of worth! Im trying to find the right words!
I didnt have the character for this level of or value of a person! I was just as valuable as she was; but I didnt have the character to sustain it! and I wanted her to step over, lean down, pick me up and shake me like am other does to a child, hold me, bring me in from the rain and take care of me! And she would have! but I cut her out of my life before this could happen! i turned on her when she was innocent!
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what I fail to see or feel is; most of what Im bitching about came after I abandon her or turned on her! not before! Its hard for guys to understand! if you dont ask someone out, they dont owe you anything! if you dont tell the girl how you feel, she doesn't owe you anything!
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This girl hinted to me over n over n over to tell her how I felt! " Gee Omnicel, who do you like now?" she would ask this, over n over n over n over n over! I would never answer her! their was a gap between my development and where she was! I needed help; and I wanted her to help me with this gap! she would not! later, instead of helping me, her mother and her made fun of me! and that was the beginning of the end! this was not a game! and I was not a game! game over for me! I left and never returned! years later I called her and told her how I felt! I was humiliated, intimidated and vitally laughed at and finely the phone hanging up without a care! I meant nothing to her!
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After talking to God about this! God told me; I was given her by God to take care of! she was my soulmate and I was suppose to have followed through, trusted her and married her! I was not suppose to turn on her because I felt sorry for myself because I didnt have a way of making any money! She; this girl I loved, reached out to God and asked God to bring her someone that would love her; and he did! He brought me! and i was to follow through! She was so good looking and of such a high level status that I freaked out! I could not believe I was with someone like this! I could not get used to it! it shocked me! and because of money and every other excuse I could come up , i started denying what was in front of me; that this girl liked me, loved me and would marry me and was sent by God to be my wife; she was! bling!
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So, I throw it away! and a stunning reality hit; it worked! I throw her away and she stayed thrown away from me and never returned! but I never returned either!
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I went back to God broken and wanting to kill myself! I was defeated again for the last time! my life was completely over by this time! I was 16 or 17 years old! everything came down, collapsed! fell in! I lost her, and she was all I ever loved!
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I began to see more problems with her; a sociopathic nature; and I did not want anymore people around me like my mother! This person was starting to make me sick to my stomach! However, I remember a specific time that I ignored her and left her and never followed through with my feelings for her! she was so good looking, it was so hard to think I had scored on such a hot girl! but another part of me didnt think like that! another part of me loved her and she was my friend and I was trying to help her or be her friend and love her and it was working! but then I switched personalities into this victim personality! I switched!
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Switching personalities! Im bitching in this block about many things; blaming the other person for my actions; Some how, I switched personalities! i went from the " take control" interested kind of guy that loved this girl, to a wimp that needed to be loved! actually, the wimp part was the small child in me! The child came out! I switched personalities! later, the school situation collapsed underneath me! meaning, I was going nowhere in the school system! it was a complete joke set up for the middle class or upper middle class kids from nice homes, the rest of us were out of luck; those throw aways like myself! I had no one; and no one cared about me or who I was!
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The school system was a joke! sometimes teachers would call my mother or step father or who ever about my lack of grades; what a joke! these people didnt care! Teachers would put me into remedial classes as if I was stupid; I was simply thrown away! no one cared! When I moved away in the 11th grade, I almost didnt make it out of high school; and nothing made me more mad or hostile that my whole future was ruined by these people! all the people associated with my upbringing because their was no upbringing!
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I was a brilliant person who had been thrown away from the first day I was born! I didnt realize, but no time was I ever liked or accepted by anyone! when very young, I didnt notice! I was 2 young to care what others thought of me. I was a latchkey kid that would stay over night at other children houses all the time! I thought those people were my friends; they were never my friends! They were from the better neighborhoods and didnt need me! I meant nothing to them!
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I meant nothing to anyone! and I meant nothing to the first girl I fell in love with; regardless! The point is; I never saw her again, but I loved her, and I missed her! I wanted to be with her; I loved being with her! but did she miss me! no...........!
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Talking to God about the girl! God told me; I was suppose to love her and take care of her; that is why I met her; it wasn't by mistake! She never turned on me; she accepted me as she should have, but suddenly, I did not follow through! and at that point, the story closes on me! meaning; I never followed through, and thats where the problem started! The girl was already confronted by me in the beginning and like me and proved herself! she already gave herself to me! I could have married her anytime I wanted to! She was my soulmate! However, her later behavior gave way to me questioning if she was a sociopath! Her parents were extremely pathological rich! I suddenly realized she had no conscious! and this was another sign that I wanted to leave and not come back; I did not want her anymore!
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I called her a few times and was treated as if I was scum or less then filth! as if I was of no value! fine! She was a stuck up cheerleader, and I was less then! However, how did I end up at her house liking her in the first place or falling in love with her, or making her out to be my best friend or first love or soulmate! nothing makes any sense her!
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I was being used by a good looking stuck up cheer leader?, could be! Possibly, I loved her and she did not realize it! or take it all that seriously! but she did! I loved her! and she liked it! and she allowed it! but I turned on her and rejected her several times! and that was that! I didnt follow through nor go back to her to explain or work with her on things! I never followed through and I never told her how I felt! I never did; later I did!
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I felt that if she really liked me she should prove it! and later I realized; Im trying to use her, protect my problems with my parents through her! I wanted my parents to prove they loved me, so, I switched it on her; I began to act like a broken child and I wanted her to chase me and take care of me! and I dont think she understood! I was a stranger in many ways; she didnt know that much about me! I loved her and it was a big deal to me! It was a big deal to her for a small short while, then she forgot all about me, wrote me off as a weakling, as if she had taken power over me! As if I was little boy and she had toppled me! And I thought; " why would this person thing this way"; if this person liked me, they would think like this! so, then! did this person like me or not!
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Its truly possible that I feel in love with someone that was not in love with me but liked the fact that I was giving her attention and wanting to be friends with her! but it never went any further! one could say; this situation didnt last more then a few weeks! I knew her for 1 1/2 years, but never advanced it past friendship! I clammed down and finally ran away! She simply wrote me off as a weakling not to take seriously; and that was that! When I was judged by her mother to my face! as if they had sized me up; I was finished with her and her family; that was that! I did not need to be around this kind of rich filth! these people knew nothing about me! How dare they size me up! if this was the depth level of this girl; how then could I have fallen in love with her and made her out to be my soulmate! why!
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When I took this back to God! the most important aspect I learned; and this was the difference between me and everyone else! I was taking this to God! and asking God directly about it and what to do! Was this girl taking this back to God! I dont know?, God never directed me back to this girl! I always thought that I had hurt this girl and God did not want me hurting her anymore! Now, possibly, God was trying to watch out for me and get me out of their!
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In fact; through most of my stories about my life that Ive written in psych forum concerning my life! I'm always taking things back to God, but no one else is! In my stories, Im with God, no one else is! In my stories, the friends I have or the firsts love I have, no one them go to God! I did! I prayed out to God from the beginning! did they?
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So, I start to see a pattern!
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Ive learned one important lesson; when I pray to God to bring back the friends I have lost and they dont return! something tells me they are not at my frequency! Something tells me they were never at my frequency! They were never my first loves or my friends; I made them out to be! In the case of the girl! I made her out to be my first love and I was wrong! and the whole world collapsed in front of me because of it! I had made a mistake! I made someone out to be a first love when they didnt even like me! I was nothing more then a bit of attention on a sunday afternoon!

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To rap it up; I thought I had to be someone else in order to be with this girl! She never presented that I had to be someone else; she accepted me as I was; but I would not accept that! I couldn't accept that she accepted me! Instead of taking a chance on this; I throw her away to be safe! In the end. my coward-ess lost all!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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