If I have a war; its with women. But its a silent war... Ive been like a little kid in front of a computer screen that would some day like a girlfriend. I have to go from the computer screen to the real world. Im thrust out into the real world to fast; I missed to many safe steps to prepare me. So; their is part of the work. And then outside; I missed to many exposure and experience steps outside from me to her... And then meeting her is a world of exposer and experience in its self. And this takes time.
.
Going to the places to meet women; this seems like adult stuff; its way over my head; all of this. Everything dealing with women. I need more experience; I feel like a toddler... I need more time. To be around the right kind of women that will not reject me but love me; that see my worth and value; that is the place I want to go.
.
So; I have to accept myself as a toddler and gain experience.... I have to ask God to bring me a bunch of mothers to dot over me and give me love and attention to grow me up; But this is serious stuff; this is the me raped and torn to pieces that needs someone to care about me... So; quality women that do Gods work.
.
Lately ive been giving myself to monsters; female monsters to be my mother and hold me and take care of me. Once they see the real me and that Im a real human being; Im stripped of my life and eaten alive; they turn on me and eat me and quickly find a new boyfriend right now and get me out of the picture and them safety with someone else on the other side ; Im the enemy of weakness they hate; they hate everything about me.... they are my enemy and I never saw it coming; I didnt wanted to know. I just didnt want to know; I just was so exhausted. Nothing makes any sense; so Im taking it all to the universe.
.
Im suggesting Im to good to be used.... And I want someone better. And Ive found myself going to weird places for a wife.... strange; but Ive gotten experience at some levels but no wife. Maybe I never wanted one from those places I just wanted to use the women to help me grow up. But I never had the guts to actually tell them because I would get a commitment. It was the little child in me that couldn't speak yet that wanted them. When they found out I was a little child in side; they turned on me and tried to kill me; kill and abandon the child inside me.... They were never safe and I didnt care. it was thrill for me if I could pull it off. But I never pulled it off.
.
The women did want to take care of me; but they found out soon enough it did not matter to me if they were the right women for me; I was prejudice against them and thought I was 2 good for them; And finally ignored them. I would have given them a chance if they were not the type of women to look at other men... when they started that it was over right then.
.
So; I got something from being around her; a whole experience; but I looked at it like it took me into a dream world with my mother; she was my mother and I was back being a child again. And It was like a giant fantasy but then it all came to a holt when she wanted attention from other men because I was not responding to her or going any further with her. But if she had gone further with me I would have gone further with her but she did not; instead she just switched lanes and got another guy; and did it shamelessly in front of me. So; this was not my friend or someone on my side. And this was a dangerous women in a dangerous place to allow the child in me to come out. And I gained that experience but got no further. But it was an adventure; but a sad ending; I would like one with an ending where no one gets used or hurt. And that is up to me and requires that I talk to the person about things.
.
Im not sure where Im coming from when dealing with women; they are not good enough for me and 2 good for me.... way to good; so fare up the latter are they; Im no good for anyone. I just want someone to understand this and still take me into their arms and love me unconditionally. And this tells me something; I need to do that for them.
.
Unfortunately; But the time I realized I need to do the same for women; to love them unconditionally; this women jumped to another man quickly so I could not act this out; love her unconditionally. I was robbed of having the ability to do this with her and be the hero of my own story. IT hurts but it matters not; for I have God on my side And God will create new situations for me with new women. Hopefully I can win one of these days; the women will allow it. And I suppose that will be my wife. Im so sorry these other women did not want to be my wife; it hurts more then anything I have ever felt; its horrible feeling... its horrible. I was not worth the trouble. But Im worth the trouble with God. God thinks Im worth it. And in the end; I thought the women were worth it; I guess they claim a different form of worth... Something of another value I dont value.
.
Im slowly learning how to open up again from dissociative disorder. And I have to remember; these women dont understand dissociative disorder. I never talked to them about it. I never actually one up to them and did much talking at all.
.
So; I have to work with the universe on this stuff to gain more experiences; experiences that will take me to the next level. Ill have to talk to the universe to bring this about. Its possible that the last people I was dealing with were truly monsters and non of this really matters; what matters is I got out of there; thats what matters; Now Im off to a new area of development. And I have to work with the universe to bring me new people and places and things.
.
.
Always searching for my mother... or for my childhood to be re lived.
.
If I used one more women; Im sorry; or did she use me. either way I had no right I guess? but that using is also me taking action and chances with her to maybe develop something more then pandering. I tried... I tried but I did not succeed; or respond to her And when I finally could decide to respond to her she had purposely moved on to another guy; And laughed in my face; so I did the final laughing and left and never came back... it means nothing to her; Ill never see her again; but it means something to me.
.
She meant something to me; but I meant nothing to her... She simply put out the singles for another man and I was out; In fact she put out the singles for another man quickly. She liked me in the beginning and I did not respond to her.. and that was that. it was over then . Sure; she tried to get my attention later but it was over in the first few months.
.
And I have to look into this; Why could I not respond to her in the beginning and why did I not have other women to go to...
.
Ive got to ask why she was not worth my time in the beginning. And later would not allow me to come back to her... she did not allow me to come back when I was ready; instead she chopped my head of...
She was not worth my time; she was worth my time; I dont know. But I do know. All I know; Im looking for the women that God is sending me to take care of me; the innocent child in me.. Thats all I want to know. But Im obviously around the wrong people for this; And that is what is being presented to me.... They were never safe in the first place and could careless.
.
The women Im around are the wrong women; but are great women... Maybe thats what Im trying to say; they are of the most desirable quality but the wrong women; and that is completely frustrating.
.
I have to get to a point of experience where I have enough experience with women; full experience where its time to find the right places to meet women.
.
One major problem that is bothering me; time is running out for me; Im getting old. And Im looking at God and wondering why; why is God doing this to me... Why? Why is God not showing up with the right plans for me to have a life... This really really bothers me.
.
.
So; I moved on... Non of them will ever care.... now; I have a gap between where Im at and where I want to be...
.
I hate this part of it. But I never find any women who want to take care of me and be my mother and my wife and take care of the little child in me... How can I trust them.... I dont know how to trust any of them with this task. I dont think women can do it; its beyond them. So; I think very little of women.... They need to be in their place as they were in the 1800th century and I need to be a man about town. They need to be not seen and not heard.....
.
In reality; the child in me wants a mother or friend or sister or best friend or someone to love that is close and can be trusted. iS this asking for to much in life.
.
So; God brings someone to me and either I reject her for the role or the child in me rejects her for the role wondering what the adult in me is thinking.... either way the women is treated like garbage and I dont care... but I do care... And the women can see that I care. Or; I care only because she could be my wife so Ill be nice... But I never liked her to begin with... but its all exciting... its all fun and games. Maybe its sexually exciting... it turns me on to go through this torture.
.
I have allot to work out here and its getting worked out but Im getting old. And time is running out.
.
I have my fears...
.
I have to work with God on all this stuff.. I have to work with God on the next women he sends me for the next level of development. Im hoping a wife will come from all of this.
.
I was hoping for a wife... praying for a wife. I guess I have to believe. But I may need more experiences before this to take the place.
.
So; I work with the universe to gain more experiences.
.
I have to find new places to go. This is driving me crazy. Dear God; where do I go.
.
Dear God where do I meet my future wife.... And my new experiences; where is the women that are going to take care of me... Their is a void and Im lost.