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Consumer 6
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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emotions starting to bleed out; This is good
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Anxiety and dealing with the opposite sex
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Dealing with the public

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Nov 28, 2011 12:57 am

I go to church. They've never understood me or wanted to or need to... Yet they have played a vast huge world in my growth for the last several years.

6 years ago as I was slowly getting better, or stable or what ever its called. I was in my apartment. I was at the point that I was ready to start over with things. Not all things. Just some things. I finally decided to pray about a direction of interest. I found myself back interested in the arts. All of my past vanished with Dissociative disorder. Unfortunately , not my resentment. But things like a future in any direction vanished. And all social ability vanished. Im a bit better now. Its still very hard.

I was in my 12 step groups hanging out as usual. IT was the only place other then my apartment that God seemed to deem safe for me. So I would hang out at meetings all the time. One day someone was going to church. I was at a point that I said. Ok. Id been in the 12 step groups for eight years by that time and would like to go.

I ended up going to the church by following others to the church breakfast. I stayed. I went back the next week.

It was the next step for healing with CPTSD and Agoraphobia. Was it easy.. Any one here nows what I was getting into. It cost me what little sanity I had left. However, it also acted as a chemo therapy, and still does to force part of the dissociations to the surface. I have no choice. When Im around middle class people Im going to get judged, and stereotyped. I either trust God and learn to deal with it when it hits, or go home. If I go home. Im back alone at the apartment again.

God did not want me alone . He wanted me to work with him to get better; better means functioning in the outside world to the point that I can be active at somethings and learn how to have relationships again.

IVe been at that church for about 5 to 6 years. I don't remember. And I don't remember much of it.
Im a bit of a scapegoat at the church... I think. Not even that. Im needy and would like to be noticed. Im not. If I need to get stuff out and talk at a deeper level, it has to be somewhere else besides the church.

The people at the church have seen a miraculous miracle. ME. They've seen me ravished by PTSD, and they've watched the changes. However, they have no idea what is going on , what is wrong or why. And they will never ask. because they don't want to know. All they know is that Ive gotten better. They assume its all God. Therefore the church system works to bring people back to sanity. That is the view that they take. Not real on some levels. Real on some. God is responsible for the peace that I am finding and allot of 4th step work dealing with resentments that I work everyday.

What is bringing me relief is a deep anchored relationship with God and a good therapist. The 12 steps worked on paper has helped a great deal along with a sponsor. and psych groups that I have participated in for several years has helped.

The church, A very small church, has brought me regular none Psych problem type people. Meaning , these people don't get therapy or even understand it, or want to understand it, or have a deeper understanding of things. They are regular people. So my situation at the church is a group, much like a therapy group, without a therapist, and with out a controlled environment to protect me. People can treat me any way they want. Their not nice to me. They can judge me, ignore me, through passive aggression at me, and I have to learn how to deal with it. This includes bible studies or other type of church functions.
For me, Its like a really rough therapy group that wont save me or be sensitive to me, or my needs. And that has worked for the last 5 to 6 years, to slowly brings me out of Dissociation. not all of the Dissociation. Enough that I am much more present. However, I am like a tank. And it was like being in the Battle of the Bulge from World War 2 dealing in this situation. IT was merciless for a long time, yet it has worked. And continues to work to keep me present. I don't recommend this unless God has ordained such a thing. It really tears you up for a long time until one adapts. The church situation is an add on to the other recovery processes that Im involved in. God wants me to go to church. He has created a situation that works for me. However, Church is an added situation to my therapy. Most of the people at the church don't know that its an added situation for me.

The general public doesn't have a clue. If its outside the boundaries of regularness. Then they don't have a clue.

No one at the church really understands who or what I am. And they don't seem to know that they should. They look at me any way they want. Not the way I want them to. I have to decide if I want to go through this direction or not. Being at the church. Its brutal at times dealing with the Middle class. The closest they have come to understanding me or excepting me is through a character they saw on a TV show. I was compared to a character, a strange acting immature character from a TV show. Its as best as it gets. No one will ever ask who I am, or what is wrong with me. I either fit in or I don't. Their is not allot of compassion from the middle. Especially in church..

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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