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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
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dealing with the outside

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Feb 19, 2014 5:54 pm

So, Im finally breaking free of my recovery rooms... Ive been involved and protected for a large chunk of time! One long day; and Ive worked very hard. Im making my way out of this, or to the outside world! Im spilling over!

What Im finding!

They don't give me a chance! Im judged by where I work! Im judged by who I know or what I drive. No one wants to know who or what I am! They never ask; they don't have to respond! ignorance is blissful.

I have to learn how not to be a victim; My, this is going to be very hard!

I called a women I dated 25 years ago in college. She knew me well enough! Face-booked first, she gave me her number.

She was not interested in me; only in herself! For me, this was the opportunity to say that Ive been reaching out beyond my meetings! its happened twice. Im slowly learning to go back to life again.

Im learning that the past relationships had to do with my money, not me! I was of interest because someone else was floating the bill. No one had any interest; and this was made clear of this present call!

I was shunned in a quiet way for being a loser and a bum. However, if I wanted to come down and sleep with her at her place for a week; thats OK; That was the message!

I had no value! Zero! Interesting, hurtful, horrifying... strange. Very strange. But understandable. I have talked about the sociopathic performer many times in my blogs; these are the middle people that are brought up or brainwashed into working hard to be accepting to the system; to identify with the system that they and the system are one! they gladly sell themselves to the system; soul n all. They do not understand anything because they do not question anything; small amount of conscious!

What bothers me! to these people; Im a looser, but Im not a looser. Im the best person they have ever seen! that is the strange part!

Now what; I have to learn to deal with prejudice ( nothing new). Im going to get hit with allot of it. My question; where do I find my people. They are not in the rooms. I didn't get involved in the recovery process to live in it. It saved my life! I am eternally grateful and grateful to the people that have attended such things. However, I owe no one! Im on my way out into the world again! and its hard! Im getting blocked in the world.
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Back to the girl:

No depth; Nothing! She's got a Masters and a good respectable career; no depth; does not need any! has contempt or some kind of middle class hatred for the poor and struggling ( no appreciation).. Personality disorder sounds closer to the mark.

No one was interested in my conversational skills or past. My story had no value to this person! When I finally said goodbye, she had no problem in her tone of voice saying goodbye for good and hanging up. " goodbye looser" that is what it sounded like, it felt like. Im not a loser! So why make me out to be one.

I thought I would be explaining who I really am; she was not interested. She is not who I thought she was. I had not value to her the way I thought I would. She had no interest! I was a dumb looser to this person.

My O My; who have I been hanging out with in this life. How am I going to find the right people to associate with. people that see me for me! Its all very confusing...

I got blocked, but Im not down. Ive been blocked by the system before! Ive been blocked by the middle class before! Its hard not to be loved by anyone. I am loved by myself and by God! thats a start!

I am proud of myself, and God is in control. I talked to 2 people from my past. This is way outside the recovery structure Ive been apart of! In the recovery rooms is a hidden micro world of itself. Its not a cult. But it very closed! and has its own private society!

I am shocked how Im getting treated in the outside world. I might as well have been in the state Penitentiary for 20 years for a violent crime; Im being treated as if!

I have to remember; the world is full of murderers! murderers of the innocent!

Take it all to God and forgive everyone and everything and go mountain biking! smile!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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