Im learning as I wake up, who to trust and who not to trust!
When Im more-asleep-psychologically, Ive allowed many unsafe people to meander around my space. As I wake up Im seeing a new light on people I never saw before. Several people I have trusted are not trust worthy.
Im learning the hard way as I wake up!
I have one friend that Ive been calling! or , he called me! Yet, he is not safe, and the child in me comes out and starts letting out my feelings and emotions with this person as if safe. As my feelings and emotions spill, I feel freer and freer; and thats when I get caught! I get turned on! The predator in the other person spots weakness, weakness in me! they turn on me. Now what do I do!
I have to remember that the whole of the people Im around in recovery are predators of one nature or another! and I forget this at times. Im to comfortable in my surroundings.
Possibly someone has turned on me and I need to talk to someone else about it! However, the new person I talk to is the same of character to the person that turned on me! Im sabotaged by this new friend for talking about the other so called friend! Both are in the same group with me!
Im learning how to deal with many different forms of people! One area is; keep silent for awhile. Don't cause waves if Im suppose to stick around! Trust God until I can heal; don't rock the boat! keep the waters calm!
ITs very hard; its starts out innocent. I start talking about a manipulator thats been manipulating me from the beginning; Im now aware of it and Im mad. I explain this to my new friend on the phone!
My friend is a master manipulator that is waiting to manipulate me! He is of the same group; the same mentality!
As I talk about the other manipulators in the group, I get pulled into the phone call, deeper, n deeper, n deeper. As long as he is in control, everything is OK, as soon as he starts loosing control, he begins to question my integrity and sources of information. I have accused people of many things, and he would like the evidence! He is calling me a liar. He is not on mysids and never as been; did I forget this, or its easy to play friend when convenient.
I have to remember what Im doing in these groups. Im recovering. Not everyone wants to help! As I wake up, I need to remember where I am and with who! I need to be low key for awhile. The locals are getting restless; they want to hunt! I do not want to be the dinner steak on the menu!
Its my call, its up to me what to say! Its nice to have friends to talk to! its not so nice when they can't be trusted anymore then the problem people Im talking about.
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This is a real hard time. This requires steadfastness if Im going to survive! I have to get stronger! Im stuck in the middle of the upper middle. As I wake up, Im noticing, no one really knows me or understands me! I never noticed this when dissociative. Im starting to see this now! I assumed others could follow along! that can't! they can't follow where Im coming from! they don't want to! I guess.
When Im at meetings, Im talking about poverty! and how addiction is a part of poverty. The gaol is to get back to health away from poverty; do anything and everything I can to get away from poverty!
I have very little friends in these places. Im getting worse as people associations go!
I have a conscious, Im around allot of people that do not! Im around allot of control freaks.
Im getting blocked, and have to work through this! Not sure what to do here. Trust God. Trust what God wants me to do!
I have to work with God or I parish... Its all very hard! I have gained much, and lots of feedback!
However, most of the people from the meetings do not care for me or what I stand for. I suppose they never will! The truth means nothing to these people!
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At some point I have to get new clothing! and keep my room clean! Im not ready! but I have to. I don't have a choice! Im getting better!
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where do I go from here! I don't know. I keep trying to solve things with people that won't help. I am learning things! Im learning how to back of from the wrong people that could cause me harm!