Nothing wrong with me; meaning Im right with the universe; as I develop and keep developing.
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However; Im truly working toward surfacing as a human-being onto the human plain. Im almost 60 years old; Ive never had a girl friend. Never had a job; never had a car never had a house. Nothing. I did find out I did have real friends; at least a few when I was growing up; I thought I had lost all of them to treachery.
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I say these things and mean it; Ive never had specifically what I dreamed about in my mind. Ive had interests in the outside world but was so far removed from reality it was impossible to connect both worlds.
Ive spend a quarter of a century in 12 step groups and therapy; therapy in the beginning. My dissociative condition got worse to a point that for 15 years I was not present anymore at all...
I started to slowly wind down from it about 5 years ago?
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Ive made great fantastic progress from that dissociated state back into many forms of beginning reality. Ive made incredible progress; is it enough to face and handle the rejections of real life? I dont know; we will see.
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Who am I in real life; I mean; who do I think I am and yet; who am I really in life... what can I expect.
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Ive been using a cell phone for maybe 1 1/2 years and texting for 3 months; but only the last 2 months comfortably; feeling connected in real time comfortably. Before this I felt like I was tapping at a machine that would bring the outside world into my inner world and that made me feel like was going to be ruptured. Lots of terror...
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Ive had opportunities with women; but always at the wrong time and wrong place to meet women. If I knew what I know now; maybe Id hit back on them; but they are no longer available; they quickly moved on when they realized I was mentally ill; They were looking for someone more functional who had more money; and they had less interested in a best friend heart then I did. I wanted a soulmate with a best friend heart between God me and her; unfortunately that is not many womens interest that I met; they did not need a connection with me they had friends already; they wanted to be taken care of; and I couldn't do that; but I was most afraid they would find someone else who had more in society then I after I met them. As I mentioned; the only thing I bring to the table is my heart; I have nothing else; and that was laughable to most women.. at least those I met or heard of or dealt with; no matter what direction I thought...
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Ive been working very hard at becoming present again and its working; I have made real friends; altho its not perfect... but im learning and Im starting to act like a real friend.
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Age;
Im afraid their is no such things as age maturity; No such animal; No such thing as age; Im just where Im at; nothing else to compare it to; no societal normal; No normal fit.
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The goal is to become dedicated to having a women in my life for the first time. To break the barrier where I become pro active about going out and meeting and attracting the kind of women Im interested in. To have a faithful women; loyalty... A best friend.
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I get extremely frustrated with the women I meet at meetings; they were 2 faced groupies with an agenda.. They were not the marring kind of person nor loyal or honest; more deceptive dishonest... Horrible to attempt to date... it was just futile. Its not really their fault; I was fishing in the wrong lake; and thats what Im working on now; learning how to fish in the right lake.
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I just recently conquered the ability of beginning interpersonal abilities with others; meaning; Lets say; she said she thought I hated her by the way I acted in the library that day; And I say; Ok. I did hate you at that moment or time; and then we talk about it... all the feelings and what was really going on and what caused it and how I wanted her to feel about me and how I wanted to feel about her; that kind of thing; Interpersonal; all of that was gone from dissociative disorder. Now; Im starting to sound like someone who wants to talk about how I feel about the person in front of me; have dialog about it; the person ive gone with to coffee.
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I have allot to bring to the table concerning my personality; I have a massive amount of good things to offer a girlfriend. I have to make more lists. I have women Im working with helping me with women; so I have resources. I have heartache; some women have tried to hook up with me; but I froze up; and by the time I was even able to deal with the CPTSD; they were long gone into another mans arms; frustrating; but I have to trust the universe and keep working at it.
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Ive got lots of hobbies that have come back to me.
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Confidence; this is the next level of work. to get up to speed in confidence.. Im simply trying to get my life back from having it stolen from me when young; Im trying to heal and become whole again so I can live a normal life again. a functional life; get some dreams out of it.
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Ive been able to make coffee dates with people; make friends again; learn how to be a friend; and thats not easy but Im learning how to be non selfish... Im learning about love; how to love others first and not expect anything from them and this is the base of friendship.
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Ive worked for a long time to try to move on from the 12 step groups out into the real world so I can meet people again; its slowly happening... Ive got a few people on my side and God on my side...
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I have to be clear on what im focusing on in my brain; what I want to manifest... what Im looking for.... This is hard one.
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My art work is heading in fantastic directions; only because I have a path to creating it and learning to sacrifice to get the art outside my apartment... what ever that means; Im learning top become willing; and I have to become willing to meet new women; thats what Im working on now; praying for the processes to grow and develop to get me outside into the real world talking to new women again. We are simply talking about taking some paintings to the 12 step groups and putting them up against the wall and letting them sit while Im in the meeting; knowing Ive got art work outside my apartment; its a start; Im excited about it; God revealed this start for me. Im looking forward to a start with women; not yet...
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Most of what Im working on is what I would have liked to have been like in my 20's and teens... Anyway; Im oK; life is coming back if I wanted it bad enough; but its hard; Im going from the development of a 5 year old into a person that dates women.... thats a huge jump for my brain; for the grieving process within my heart... I choose not to be one of those who spends the rest of their lives grieving over losses and then dying; Im trying to learn how to get up to speed and live my life along with it...
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Many people will help; some people are jealous; many people are deceptive; but they usually show their true colors at first if I want to see them; red flags. Its important to understand that red flags mean Im heading in the wrong direction... wrong type of people; work with God and go into a new direction.
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Its still a lonely venture for me; Ill keep working at it day by day.
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As for my other dreams; Ive had watered down versions of everything ive mentioned Ive never had; Ive never been well enough to go out independently and get the things in life I truly feel I deserve; in fact I stopped believing it was possible. Now I know its possible; Im just scared... But Ill be Okey...