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- June 2021
Problems with women
   Mon Jun 14, 2021 12:00 am

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Dealing with poverty

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Apr 06, 2014 12:50 am

Poverty is the inability move in any direction! one is stuck! and the rest of the world does not care! and if I don't move into something with feedback I will stay in the strangulation of poverty. No one shows up to rescue me! One can wait a life time for someone to show up and rescue me! but that is the middle class; and middle class rules. The rules of poverty are different!

In poverty you must seek out recovery or you die! You will not get better on your own. In poverty, no such thing exists of pulling yourself up alone! I must seek out help! I must walk through the doors of the help centers and ask for help. I must keep asking until it becomes a way of life; to show up and ask for help!

I must ask for help because I am dying!

I must ask for help because I must make a noise and let others now Im alive!

I must let others know!

I have learned to be alone! This must change or I end up in long sleep in a long box in the graveyard.

The Grim reaper ( the shadow man) he is always at the back of my throat telling me to give in and go into permanent sleep!

###$ the Grim reaper; Im not doing that today!

Today Im in recovery! I am willing to be willing to be willing to show up and ask for help!

I am always in a state of asking for help!

I don't like connection; its uncomfortable. But longs sleep is worse, so I will stick with asking for help!

Its hard when you worry about what others think! This is the false foundations of middle America!

Those who ask for help are in poverty! and how great is that poverty!

If poverty is the problem then I know my mind must be set on a solution! and that solution is showing up and asking for help. I must become willing to be willing to be willing...

I suffer!

I will make changes!

Its an inside job!

I need 5o people to pull me out of me! I need their feedback. My mind cannot save me; how can it! its the same brain that got me into this mess! I need others thinking to get me out!

And other stuff!

Dissociative disorder;

Im now making in roads within the 2 foot space perimeter; that safety zone of intimacy that a person carries; physical safety space.... Im making arm movements. Not much. for me its terror city within this space when others are around me!

Im using free form people! Im not working with the therapist but once a month. Most of my work is with free form unaware free movement 12 step people. When you wake up, you have to dodge in one direction or the other or you get crouched. Its sink or swim or be beached like a whale. for a long time I was beached. Now Im starting to swim in the shallow area! if you look carefully you will start to see my arms are flapping in the water; this is the beginning!


Im becoming aware of my fear and torture status when around others... When I get closer to others, I begin to loose self and go into a helpless mode as if I am being controlled by captures or tortures. I shut down completely and its PTSD city! Im gone mentally way into a past that is dangerous for my present!

Im noticing now, what Im afraid of. When younger I was forced to either choose to comply or commit suicide! if I don't comply I am abandon! and have no one! I am completely alone in the world and will kill myself from the pressure! so, its either complete abandonment on one side or suicide on the other.. I shut down! I became like a robot around others so these 2 extremes would not occur!

Now, when around others in the present I am the same! I have no personal power around others in close proximity! I cannot make decisions or move!

Power; power comes when I can let go of the people Im in close proximity! I learn I won't die! and I learn I won't commit suicide because I am not under the stress as when young! The PTSD world is strong at these moments; However, PTSD is a lie!

I am now practicing more chances with people; the idea is to disagree and let them go! let them go as if I will never see them again! not worry about what they think! they might use abandonment against me.

It hurts so much to let them go; I feel like Im going to die! or throw up or get sick! So much PTSD past abandonment!

I attract the same types of people that abused me! And they use abandonment tactics! I want to let go of them. However, its like letting go of past captors; if I let go, I will die! that is the PTSD world slamming me hard.

Its all about practice! seems the more I practice the stronger I get within the real world.


As for dating; You must have movement in this private space; this 2 foot or 3 foot space! this is where relationships get built. This is the are of flirting... With out this space and the dance within it; no interactions, thus you remain strangers.... So there is a method to my madness for getting better!

Dissociative Disorder
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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