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OMNICELL
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Dealing with family

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Jun 12, 2016 5:21 pm

Dealing with family;

So, I was in college, I was in my late 20's! I had no purpose or direction and could not function! I had no reason to be at; yet, another college! I could not function! I had been thrown away from the original family system I came from and did not understand! I was thrown away from all involved, including close friends! I was the nicest and kindest person; I didn't not understand! I was a deep thinking feeling sensitive intelligent person; and I simply did not understand!

After college, I could not function! I say after college; I had no business being their in the first place! I was thrown away when young! Was not prepared to be thrown away so young! Had no idea that it would happen! And I was just a boy! 9 or 10 years old! Unbelievable! Horror stricken! This is what I needed to deal with; being thrown away!


Their was no one taking care of me that cared! I was taken to no one for help! I was alone! So, I went to my best friend and told him what was happening! He turned out suddenly, not to be my friend anymore! And why is this; Little did I know; I was never his friend! when a very young child, I had showed up at his house many times! He opened the door reluctantly! His family never wanted me around and neither did he! I would call him and ask him to go play! He did! But didn't care! I was not friends of him or his family and never knew! I did not know what they thought of me and didn't care at the time! Later, I realized I was looked at as a latch key kid that simply showed up at their house! The mother allowed it because she felt it might be good for her sons social development! But I meant nothing to them! I did not know this was abnormal behavior to show up at their house all the time! I thought I was accepted as an equal! I was not! In fact, these were not the kind of people to associate with! They were not " my people"! I did not know this! I respected them from what I saw on the outside; they did not respect me because they did not need to! They had their own family, and I was not apart of it! I was under the dilution that I was " making it" in the neighborhood! I was having social acceptance! I was not; but did not know it! Later, I would live with these people; it would be the greatest regret of my life! I was severely damaged psychologically! I was already damaged and needed a safe place to go! I thought these people would be it; they were the opposite! Unbelievable ! Why did they let me; social pressure!


So, after spending 10 years, off n on, going to school! Meaning, I would go to school for a year, then stop for a year and hide somewhere! Then go back! Ask a relative to send me back! Then quit and hide for a year! No one cared about me or what happened to me; nothing! I did not understand! Later, I will understand! So, why were they sending me to college if they did not care about me! well, this is more about the type of person who was sending me to college! they had already allowed me to be raped several times and go through other bad things, so, I had no reason to associate with them or have them help send me to college! I think Im making my point!

SO, I finely, mentally got worse with time! And was living at this persons house; I hid in my room and would not come out! I wanted to kill myself! I had no life, and agoraphobia! This person owned a house in the area of the last college I attended! I moved in and couldn't leave! this went on for a year!

I I fatally called my father; I wanted him to make things right for what he had done! I wanted to come back home and wanted him to fix everything! I came home, but I lasted around my father for no less then 2 days! I then ended up around my brother!; it did not work! I did not want to be around my mother but she was paying for everything! Actually, my Grandmother was paying for everything!

I worked at different places! I was filled with PTSD and could not work! I tried! I ended up trying to kill myself and ended up in the hospital! After getting out! A women talked with me about 12 step work and groups! So I tried that!

At some point, my mental condition got worse! I chose to become homeless, I was not working and did not want to ask for money for rent anymore!

I let myself become homeless! I was technically homeless for about a year! I tried to work again! This was a fail! I ended up homeless again! Because their was a record of my past diagnoses from college and before; and the fact I had tried to kill myself; I was put on social security disability!

I was put in a local mental health housing situation! I was their about 2 years, then transferred to my first apartment through housing authority! I was given food stamps and mental health privileges! Therapy!

At first, when your on the system; they diagnose you with every general things none to man!

After about 6 years of a being pumped with meds I went back for more therapy! I worked with the state therapists for a few more years! I finally took a break!

I started loosing it again and De-compensating! I could not leave my apartment for 7 months or my bed! So, I was put in the nut house for depression and agoraphobia!

When I got out of the nut house, things started to change! The next year was brutal; I was so alone and agoraphobic; I ended up with sleep phobias, and phobias, where I could not brush my teeth! Many different problems!

I was sent for sleep apnea! I had sleep apnea and worked with a guy at the hospital! He helped me a great deal! But I spend those years doing more therapy with him about my PTSD problems then anything else! He was like a second therapist!

The ties with my mother and brother and father were getting destroyed! I was very mentally ill and these people were making it much worse! I was around them because I had massive amnesia and cared about nothing!

Soon, I started with a new real therapist; she diagnosed me with Dissociative disorder and long term PTSD has the base! And this is the real beginning of my later part of this level of recovery!

Through this, I started to wake up and I began to see what had happened to me and who I had been living with and what had happened to me as a child ! I began to see that both parents were psychopathic! I knew this, but did not know the words to describe them; the definitions! Mother was sadistic! Father narcissistic! And to my surprise, I had remembererd my brother! He had been diagnosed as a sociopath! Later, I would learn to appreciate this!

My brother had made a comment to me as soon as I came into my home town when I was 30! He told me their was no more family! And he was not my family! However, he was living off my mother! Or taking her money! I thought this was an in human thing to say to someones own brother! What kind of a comment is this? What is happening here! In my mind; Im a decent person! Why are these people treating me like this! Later! Why did my best friend treat me like this; in such a horrible way, many many years before! Why was I being destroyed and thrown away!

After 10 years in the recovery process, I was able to hang around these people! Mother, father, brothers; I was able to take another look at them when older, when smarter; after working the 12 steps in 12 step groups; after understanding my condition and where I got it! I knew at this time, these scum were psychopaths! I had the name correct! And I knew what they had done! I did not have the full story yet, but as the amnesia and the personal psych work continued! I undersand!

I understood that I was a human being and this band of evil I was surrounded by was not! Their was no real brothers or mother or father! Or friends! Something was wrong!

After spending time around them; I realized! I had signed some land over to them so the Social security office would not get it! It was land left to me by my Grandmother; Wheat land! My mother was trying to convince me when I was in a state of Dissociative disorder to sign the land over to her! Unfortunatly, I did! I thought I was doing this so I could be loved! I was not going to be loved! I was swindled out of my land! no one cared if I was dead or alive! they simply got my land; my brother and my mother! I thought they would take care of me later! they would not! In fact! My land was the focal point desire in their hearts! that was the only reason I was allowed around them! They were grooming me to take my land!

I could not understand this behavior! I was a nice person! non of this made any sense!

later this would all make sense!

One day at my mothers she began to tell me about trips she wanted to take! I went along with it! she went on for months about taking me around the world on trips to see different things; she had me get brocures on several different trips! she polished the presentations up real good! made it sound like we were 2 legs on the boat to leave! But I knew better! Id been around! and I knew what she was! And I could sense that she knew that I knew what she was! Month after month, plan after plan! she put her emotions into it when talking! but was never going to follow through! but the psychopaths makes these things a game with their victims! they will push it to the edge, having you actually believing and getting your hopes up! Then; when your caught in that web! and your trapped and totally dependent on them, on their decision! they pull the rug out from underneath you and simply stop the whole situation; leaving you to crumble and fall! with all your hopes dashed! The sadistic psychopath stops at nothing to play you psychologically! it is their goal to destroy you anyway they can! They groom you, lead you on, lie to you; get you into uncompromising situations; then attack! or abandon! And this is the nature! and everything they say and do is manipulative! You are suckered the moment your around them! you will not trust a word they say or anything they do; nothing! and they will promise you the world! They know they will never pay up!

if you are invited to their home; beware! they planned this many moons ago to steal something from you! once stolen; you are of no use to them anymore and will be thrown out!

The psychopath might buy you something if someone else suggests it! why?; the psychopath is trying to please the other person! you are not in the picture! once you receive what they have bought you; you are thrown out!

She told me she felt that men were inferior! she was speaking about her treatment of my 2 brothers/father, and all men she had manipulated before this! She told me this as if I was an outsider opponent! She was telling me because she did not own me like she owned the others and she knew this! so; I was resistance from the outside!

She told me many things, and treated me like I was a neighbor and not her son! or I was a servant working for her; like a slave from the old days! a house slave! and she was the head wives owner! meaning, she was the head of the plantation and I was a servant boy slave that was a house slave! inferior servant!

She told me about her past! as if I was not a part of it! meaning, her relatives were not my relatives!

She told me in away that excluded me from it! sickening!

I watched an older brother interact with her! it was horrifying! His speech abilities were destroyed being around this person! he was cut off and interrupted so many times in the middle of communication; he could no longer function in a conversation! he was a son who was trying to communicate with his mother! He was always an 11 year old boy trying to communicate with his mother and get her blessing on him! He just wanted a normal mother! and did not have one! and this monster did not care if he was dead or alive! He did not know this; he was forever stuck as a 12 year old!

My mother knew that I knew; not that it matters to a psychopath! accept they don't want you around! you have nothing to barter with! you don't bring anything to them that they can use against you! although, they will find something!

The family psychopath has a numerous amount of continues victims to use! Anyone in the family that continues to associate with them will be used and destroyed! anyone that continues to see them as family, will pay for this with their lives! the psychopath makes a field day out these poor chaps! Its unfortunate for children; Children are simply going back to their mother for love! The female psychopath has an endless supply of horror waiting for these poor humans! The psychopath does not care who the victims are! However, the smart psychopath will be very careful and cunning bout how they go about destroying someones lives! they are tricky and cunning! they attack where you would not expect it! they are lawless! no ethics and inhuman!

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One day my bother called and invited me for Thanks giving! what he did not tell me! his wife and son and daughter were somewhere else! I was not being invited to a normal Thanks giving! it turned out to be a horrible dis-service to me! it was an affront to my decency! and this happened again at 4th of July! I did not end up shooting off fireworks with his family! they were gone! I ended up showing up when he was drunk at someone else's house! I was being used!

The next time he or I arranged something! I called back and told him no! I never heard from him ever again! this was about 8 years ago! You are treated like an animal or an object for them to use! you have no identity with them! they are evil dangerous entities! they will treat decent people with contempt and lesser then a dog! its horrible and un ethical!

And many more things occurred!

With my father when he was alive; it was the same thing! I was treated like a second class citizen! I was not loved or cared about! I was a throw away and no one much cared if they ever saw me again! it made no difference what I was worth as a human being! this meant nothing to them! and this is important! because, they did not treat me with any respect as a human being because they were not human!

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And; as I got better in my recovery process I began to see what was really going on here! I was in a family system of psychopaths; authentic! authentic to the point that they could sub categorized of what type of psychopath or degenerate!

Heres my point; I did not have a chance as a child! I was around some of the most worthless scum every created! In fact; these are not the right words for this! They are much worse then this! much much more serious! they were the same dimension of a serial killer with out actually doing the killing themselves!

My best friend, who is no friend of mine and never was! he and his family system are no different! In Gods eyes they will pay! all of them!

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You might say; because I lost my land to these people, I would be upset! But I have something they do not understand; I have a relationship with God! and it is God that led me back to them to observe them! I did; and I left and never went back! instead; I continued with my recovery process until I got better!

As for the loss of land or stolen things! God reminds me! " Omnicell what are doing around these people"! " have you learned your lesson; they are not of God, they will not take care of you; they will murder you, crucify you, and steal everything you have, and leave you for dead"; and thus they did, many times! However, this last time, they thought they had left me for dead! but it did not happen! for I was under cover! I simply walked away!

I have God in my life and I am starting to come back to life! I do not have to spend the remainder of my life as a psychopath! I say this because I came from a family and extended family of sociopaths and sadistic psychopaths of different natures! One created and begot one; and they created an begot one! and so on; and so on! one generation after the other! but it stopped with me! it has!

I was damaged and destroyed but never turned like the other brothers! Im a decent respectable person! and Im trusted and respected around other decent respectable people; this does not mean rich upper middle class people who drive nice cars and come from fancy colleges! I am respected by those with real
value! human value!

It looks like I have a chance to regain much of my life back to a normal state! and Im looking forward to it! Im crippled emotionally and mentally! I have much work to do on self! However, I am myself again! and wont be fooled into believing anything else!

Im now in a state of social rehabilitation; Im learning how to inexact again with people; learn how to be positive and have real relationships again! and Im learning how to have desire and goals!

And all of these things are independent of who or what I grew up with!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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