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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- September 2019
One off the more nasty brutal parts of healing
   Fri Sep 13, 2019 4:52 pm
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Dealing with evil

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Sep 28, 2014 1:38 am

I deal with many people that are evil! not everyone, but Ive dealt with allot of people in the recovery world! meaning from addictions, or codependency or PTSD or general psych stuff; that kinda thing!

Ive found many people want to snag me and turn me away from my path because they don't have a life or a plan! I get lots of " words of death" thrown at me! they are meant to sting and break me! They hurt, and they go down into the inner most part of me, However, I pray and forgive and Im back into my recovery again!

My best friend from the best had to go! He was never a friend of mine! I never knew this! when I was in deep trouble, him and his family betrayed me; they betrayed me to the point of confusion! I had no idea I was expendable. I do not have friends of mine if they are expendable; I would not call them friends..

In my past; I have only a few memories that make sense! and then Im destroyed at an early age! Im " let go"! and I have to say this and revisit this pain over n over n over until Im ready to deal with it! or can deal with it! and thats a personal thing, its not about anyone else! Im attempting to get a life and this is how I work things at the present! indecent people do not understand this!

I was terrorized to death! into mental illness! my mind broke!

I take each new memory that I can handle and work it! or work through it so I can let go of the pain of it!

The PTSD worlds are separated into 3 areas of interest in my childhood past, and each keeps spitting things at me!

My childhood is so gruesome psychologically that I can hardly stay present when the memories come up! but Im learning to! and the more I grieve the loss of my childhood, the more the memories disappear into the present! One memory at a time! and this is how I do things! and heal! the healing process is real, sad and painful! Horribly difficult! and it is my lifes work! I am to do nothing else at the moment; nothing else is more important!

I have to learn to stay away from trouble people! I get lonely, and the wrong kind of people show up!
I must stay clear of these people! Pray about it; if God wants me near, thats different ! I stay away from everyone God does not want me with!


So, I slowly heal!

Future; Im not sure what to think! the PTSD problems make it impossible! its impossible to interact with people in a work setting!

I assume I will marry some girl and live happily ever after at this point; but I have to work through memories...

I lived with my best friends and his family when I was 17 years old; it was merciless and horrible! I was not wanted there! I was treated like a second class person! I was treated less then the dogs they feed in the back! I was not wanted; bitter resentments! no one cared who i was! or why I was there! they wanted me gone from the start! these were not my friends! I was a decent kind person! the nicest kindest person in the world, but not to people that mistreat me, they will get nothing! and these people did not care! I was not part of there lives anymore! and I did not understand that! I had moved away 5 years before, I was gone and no one cared; they were fine! In fact, my best friend did not want me there! he could care less, it was if I had never met the person before! and it hurts so much to say this! I never wanted to be in this position in this life! I had no friends and no one that cared about me! ever! I just wanted to belong to something somewhere! and they made sure I didn't get that chance! and the whole of the time listening to there christian tapes and CD;s!

Im lucky to be alive and I have to remember this; however, the whole of this experience is despicable; the way Ive been treated by people. Either Ive been called a lier about my past, or treated as an outcast or treated like I mean nothing or my story is of no value!

I still have much work to do on my past! its not over yet. I have a head full of PTSD problems; their not going away! and I have no past family! everything was destroyed years ago! I tried to be around those people, they are either nuts or do not want me! its insane and horrible! they are not nice people! and its better that I never see any of them ever again! and that is horrible and real!

I have God and others are full of lies and deceit! and they are not worth my time! I have to remember this!

I have to look at what Im grateful for! and leave it at that!

I look forward to dealing with more of my memories that I be able to let go of them; they were never worth anything anyway!

It was all fake; my permanent childhood! I had no idea I was on unstable ground! I had no idea who the house owners were and what they were really like! now I know! and I can see better, that no time in my childhood was good or safe! nothing was safe or what it seemed; I was exposed to worthless people and thats all that happened. It was all a lie! and the upper middle class people I associated with, never liked me in the first place, they thought they were better then me! and I never understood this, as I was better then them; I was a much nicer person then they will ever be! I never understood this vermin until it was 2 late! They 2, attempted to mold me into a lesser person! they would never accept who I really was! and I will never be sure why! I was suppose to be a second class humanoid; thats what they thought of me from the start and I never knew this! I had no idea I was a negative thought in someones mind!

And I will have to keep writing more on this!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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