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OMNICELL
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Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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Dealing with adolescent damage

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Sun Oct 08, 2017 9:20 am

Im dealing with damage; damage created by the country I live in; the people!
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bulling and being an expendable suicidal based child! I was a throw away! Im now trying to deal with it! I plan to live, but I have to deal with everything I went through and reparent myself with Gods help! God in charge! and thats not easy having God in charge, was God not in charge when I was destroyed!
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Im not a throw away anymore; Im starting to come out of it;
Im going back to my original God created design; Im not an identity imprinted on me by psychopaths! Im gaining independence from the lies of the past and starting over; I'm just starting; Im just able to look into this new life; just enough strength to life my spiritual head upward and look around as " me"!
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The point; Im actually doing OK; The problem; Im trapped in a little apartment and wont go outside! However, when I say this; I mean, the outside bigger world; and outside in general! Im not connected to anything; 12 step groups; thats about it; psych groups, therapists! a few other things; maybe! Im used to living a mental illness life! riding around on bikes, going here n their, never actually connecting to anyone and no cared anyway!
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Im getting better; more stable! Im interested in looking at and working through the ages of 5th grade or 4th grade through 8th grade! Those are brutal years of lonely destruction! In those years, I was torn to pieces psychologically! and later I was destroyed from similar things! However, in those beginning years, I would like to work through through those years! Take God back into those years! Allot of dissociate damage occurred during that period! My mind was ran through the pavement!
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My mind was stretch from one side to the other, it was stretched out to the point; it never sprang back; it stayed ruptured! and was ruptured again and again and again until I was no more! lost, thrown away and broken! ruptured!
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So, here I am now, better, and more able to decide to attempt to fix some off this! Im interested in facing things and getting my independence back! the problem is adolescence years! How do I work through these years when I don't have brothers or sisters or friends or family or relatives or a house or anything else resembling a family unit thats necessary for such things! what do I do! Well, Im working with God to get stronger and face things!
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Im scared to death of the bullies that terrorized me when young; I can see them in my nervous system watching me and springing up in my mind when I attempt to become expressly independent!
I can see those bullies; the PTSD comes on when I think about them; I want to be free of them in my mind!
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I have much work to do! I have the sad affair of remembering older brothers i thought I would be looking up to; instead, they were ruined people, turned into sociopaths and degenerates! I have nothing to do with them; they are strangers! and alas; they've always been strangers! I was a throw away and never knew! not until it was 2 late!
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I can specifically see the adolescent time period of a time i missed all things; everyday of what someone else would have experienced growing up! all those rich days of development! I missed it all, every hour of experience and learning, every hour, every minute! all of it! Im still angry about it; sharp pain hits my mind and envious system as I see pics of my mother and father swim through my head!
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I can see it possible to re learn or re experience; I have to ask God for this; Im excited about it! but I have no idea how its going to flourish! How is this possible; how can I go through this again; a re life! Well, the past experiences of trauma, their loosing their hold on me! I still have the PTSD, but I've developed a new me! so, a new me is here to take the place of the old me; and all of this was developed without anyone from the past coming back or showing up! and thats a bloody miracle of the making of the Gods; I asked for help and went through a long blind maze to get this far! Im here!
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So, the past, the hold and resistance it had on me is loosing its grip! I don't need it like use to! its not that important anymore! I have the ability to re live my life because resistance is not in between me and my desire! or; if it is between me and my desire, I have other tactics that are working to correct the situations and allow me to move forward with my desire to relive parts of my childhood! I can see it and feel it in my mind and I don't see the need for my mother or father or house or past friends or neighborhoods or schools or anything else! I am able or set to do this thing now as I am; Ive worked my my way into a new way of thinking! And Ive walked a journey that has led me up this ready point in my development!
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So, Im getting close; I still have of allot of uncomfortable emotional and psychological pain to work though; this wont be fun; working through bulling and other things!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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