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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (954)
Archives
- July 2019
Identity 101; so; it officinally begins; the rebuilding
   Sun Jul 21, 2019 2:25 am
Something positive is happening
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 11:54 pm
The Beatles
   Sat Jul 20, 2019 6:04 am
A place exists
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 11:21 pm
Things are changing again
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 3:41 pm
Things are heating up; Im now backing down
   Fri Jul 19, 2019 9:06 am
I have CPTSD
   Wed Jul 17, 2019 4:47 pm
Real changes are occurring
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 10:46 am
Coming back into the present
   Tue Jul 16, 2019 2:32 am
Im extremely frustrated
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 11:14 pm
Fining myself or facing myself
   Mon Jul 15, 2019 8:39 pm
Im beginning to understand
   Sun Jul 14, 2019 3:30 pm
Visualizing
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 8:28 pm
Starting from the beginning
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:35 pm
The trap house part 2
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 3:13 pm
The trap house; I only knew about; In the end I win
   Fri Jul 12, 2019 1:15 am
Massive Mega paradigm shift
   Thu Jul 11, 2019 3:01 pm
First post recovery conversation
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 9:55 pm
Dating and Art
   Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm
movement
   Tue Jul 09, 2019 5:56 pm
childhood abandonment
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:23 pm
Being single
   Mon Jul 08, 2019 3:53 am
Preview: PTSD; High School
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 10:31 pm
Fear
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 4:34 pm
Ive found some answers
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:41 pm
D.I.D; let me introduce myself
   Sat Jul 06, 2019 12:23 pm
PTSD; dealing with triggers.
   Fri Jul 05, 2019 5:32 am
Making me into a loser; its all about the critical voice
   Thu Jul 04, 2019 6:08 pm
Molding sound like clay; having reasons; Things are changing
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 4:25 pm
critical voice
   Wed Jul 03, 2019 6:38 am
Toxic shame
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 11:05 pm
Ive found some answers
   Tue Jul 02, 2019 7:59 am

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day to day!

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Aug 22, 2013 4:12 pm

I need to keep lifting weights. Im 50 years old, and was in tremendous shape, Ive been riding a mountain bike all day for 13 years, lifting weights and weighing 170! I looked and felt good and food consumption was very low. For the last several months Ive skipped the gym and gained about 15 pounds. I do not feel good, my arms are getting weak and flabby. I liked me better when harder! Im slowly working towards getting in the gym again! I go overload, when Im around to many people and can not not feel safe!

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At the morning meetings:

Problems are occurring at the morning meetings! Bullies; white collar bullies. These are guys are in there 70s or close. They take over the meetings as if they are the boss. Its so natural for them to assume leadership, it seems normal until one realizes, there are no leaders in 12 meetings! They are bossing everyone around as if they are hired from above.

I tried to understand why they think they are the boss. Now I am seeing it! No conscious! THey are white collar sociopaths. ITs all very interesting!

I have large amounts of PTSD problems, Im the last person you want to attempt to rule over or push in any direction. You should have a healthy respect for your safety when dealing with me. These gents and girls do not! This is a clue of what they are! Theres no fixing these people, they actually believe they are better or ahead of others and have the right to run other people ( grown ups) into the ground! Im finding the best answer is to leave the meeting if they are present! They are dangerous! Very unhealthy for someone with CPTSD problems. They have no concept of boundaries. And no concept of boundaries with grown men that could kill them in an instant. This is a clue of what they really are! In my opinion they are much more dangerous then the average rapist that ends up in the pen!

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Friendship topic was brought up at other meetings today! This was a good topic and I learned allot. In order to be a friend you have to make the call, not wait for the other person. I must reach out first to have friends. I thought this was good, I was ready to here this!
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As I wake up from dissociative disorder and long term PTSD problems, the first sad thing that goes through my head is; Where are my parents. How could they have done this! How could they have mortally wounded my brothers and I. Im glad they are dead. However, I want the real me back!; the me trapped inside the bubble from 1965 to 1772. I want me back! I think its possible to get me back! Its a horrible ordeal to deal with all of this! Ive been wounded ( the ptsd problems) and it makes things very hard!

Im around controlling narcissistic sycophants at every turn. In the beginning it did not matter, now as I get better, it matters. Ive seen to many control freaks running things as I wake up, its incredible.

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I have to learn to walk away, turn around and get out! I must learn to un freeze. I have allot to learn! I have God with me! However, I seem to have no one else who really understands.
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The church;
Sociopath runs the church I go to! its a very small personalized church, not a big social church. I practice drums at this church, However, I have to deal with the sociopath to do so! I would like to leave, I do not have another place to practice drums and it bothers me. Im praying about it! Im on a low fixed income, so having a place to play is hard to find! Keeping my sanity is also hard to do. I seem to have my priorities mixed up! I think my sanity and safety come first. So, I have lessons to learn..
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Talents and Christmas trees and life!

I would like my life to come back at some point. The wounds are in the way! I think this will change, its all very sad for me! suicide with the ptsd problem; can be a problem!. Its all so sad! To switch back into reality to have a life, one must grieve the past! This is a very hard real thing! very difficult! My whole childhood life is still in me, Im not aware its not 1970. I still think the Monkeys are playing on TV. As I wake up, I wake up to a curse! All that I strive for is gone! I wake up the same person, but the outside world has changed; yet the bullies remain.....

Its very hard to see myself as the child I used to be, I liked myself and my life, then it was ruined. When it was ruined all the neighbors disappeared. All my friends disappeared. Its as if I had no history in the small town I had history!. I had no choice but to go with the person that caused it! I had no where else to go! That person is gone, finally! And any remembrance of that person in a positive way must be erased; the same way Adolph Hitlers memory must be erased after the world war 2. Bad people need to be called what they are!

Im still bullied in one form or another! its about status. I hold a high level of status because I say so. Many people attempt to break that status every chance they can, with no regard to consequences. THe world is full of sociopathic boundary breakers.. They want to be noticed, they want to be treated like celebrities, when I show up, the buck stops. SO, Im undermined! and is this is also apart of the more evil life ( life is good and evil; 50/50). I must wake up to this and remember that because others do not have a real life, they are going to make sure I don't do as well.

I will learn at some point how to deal with the evil. Im being ran over by the evil at this time, However, Im not dying from the wound, Im not able to protect myself from the attacks. The PTSD is keeping me from responding and others are taking advantage of it, to protect myself. I live in the real world and Im attempting to live in but not be part of it! This causes control freaks to go crazy!

Dealing with the evil will be the last step, get re-wounded all the time by evil people! Why should they care! They do not have a God they pray to! it makes no difference to them; murder is part of there makeup.

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I will continue to receive wounds as I wake up. At some-point the wounding will stop when I get better and have a better handle on how to deal with the people in the groups or outside the groups.

I am considered a person of no status because I am of cultural status difference! This means to me; I am of opposites; Im educated but poor. I am intelligent yet, not working, Women like me, yet, I do not date! I have talents, yet, I do not perform! and I give no explanations to anyone for I do not bow to anyone! I answer to no one except the attorneys District office; I will not break the laws of the land, most of them, that I do not end up in front of the judge.

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In a few hours I will feel better from the attacks from this morning at the meeting; small minds thinking in small ways that want to attack...

Im in an interesting situation. Ive been incubated in a small place with small simple thinking minds! for this, I am eternally grateful, for they thought me the foul, and left me be! Now as I start to climb out of the box, they are realizing Im not one of them and like spiders going after prey, they are beginning to attack, and this attack will continue until I am out of the box, for they will continue to pull me back into the crab pot that I be one of them! this will continue until I am gone; out of the box!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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