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OMNICELL
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DAting material; The real begins.....

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Thu Oct 24, 2013 5:19 am

4 years ago I was just starting to challenge dissociative disorder. I had no memories yet, I had amnesia. I had just started my music stuff and hip hop dancing a few years before! I started therapy 4 years before!

At that time; 4 years ago, I made a decision that my dream was to never be alone again! I attended 12 step groups and had 1 or 2 friends to mountain bike with! they were antisocial prison people!

I decided to look up info on the net; how to attract people or make friends. I found a guy who started a book on dating and making friends. So, I went to his site and downloaded the ebook. I read it, and it changed my outlook on things. It told me how to groom myself in detail to make me attractive, including, getting into the gym.

I learned the basics of working a room and creating attraction and what to look for in women; how to make them attracted to me. I learned how to spot interest from women.

This course was to create friendships that I never be alone! sure,. I wanted a girlfriend, more importantly , I never wanted to be without people again! I wanted to learn how to never be alone!

Being a dissociative I had no idea how my condition would play into things.

I used very nice clothing! I was thin and in great shape! and I knew how to work it! and I had my own style, and I attracted all kinds of beautiful women! However, there was a huge problem! and that problem started immediately, I could not reach out to others or respond or get near anyone!

Dissociative disorder would not allow others to touch me! I would dissociate if anyone got to close!

So therapy started on a goal! that goal would be something tangible in the real world! The goals: create attraction, approach, chat up, make laugh, ask out to coffee!

In the present;
I have worked through many levels of the dissociative disorder and PTSD long term problems. In addition I have agoraphobia, and AVPD; major amounts of each. All symptoms are down!

I worked on each girl that took an interest in me! all very beautiful girls, and their beauty was intimidating!

So,

The first girl; took 8 months of work to simply turn to her and say hello! and I was able to say hello to her in a hall when she was alone! and that was it! Well, I had one dance with her! she thought I was a pathetic weirdo! but harmless.

Next year: New girl: this time Ive learned from the past, Im better, Ive studied more about attraction! so, I start playing the bad boy sociopath in the back of the room! I sound like I just got out of prison and I want to take over the world! Im acting like a tuff guy! IT worked, the new girl loved me! SO, it took 8 months to finally face her and talk to her and this time, I danced with her all night at last years halloween dance. However, major problems and catastrophe! I have dissociative disorder! I shut down! I had a breakdown! I was to physically close to her the night before, and it freaked the PTSD problems out to the point that I shut down. In a state of confusion and sorrow, I found myself abandoning this girl, breaking her heart. I left the meetings and vowed not to come back until I got this figured out! I realized I could not back up the talk I was leading people on with!

6 months ago, I returned to the meetings, A new girl was there and she was checking me out! This time, when I shared, I told people what had happened from before, How I had hurt this other girl, How I was a fake that talked allot but I could not back things up. So, the new girl tried and tried to get close to me so I would ask her out!

New lessons; Although I wanted this new girl, I defensively pulled away from her for 2 months, by the time I took interest in her and came out of my defensive state, she had just gotten asked out by someone else and I lost her!

That makes three girls I had learned from; that was three months ago!

So, what have I learned!

1. Talk is cheap from the back of the room. Its easy to create attraction from the back of the room, But I cant back anything up when I start getting close to people!

2. judge me on how I act in front of you! Did I try to contact you, or Im I just sitting in the back of the room talking about how someday Im going to get close to people!

3. I will pull away from you for 2 months after I take an interest in you!

So,

On to girl 4;

An attractive girl came into the meetings a month ago! I caught her looking at me in a secretive way! but I caught her! So, it was on!

What was the gaol this time! The goal, not make them wait 8 months for actual contact like the first 2, and do not pull away for 2 months like the last one, and now, I must not look at them, its either talk to them directly or leave it be!

Practice,

I have had mock dates with my friends girlfriends, and other older women Im not going to date. Ive taken them out to coffee and other stuff! and Ive practiced approach and conversation stuff with safe people! But not with someone I wanted to date! that is different...

The new girl;

I finally started to show some interest a week ago, she has been gone for awhile. And it turned out horrible! I pulled away from her after she smiled at me! So, I decided that things had to change,,


Today;
For the first time since I started this venture 4 years ago with that ebook on dating! I opened up and talked directly to a women! it was simple, it was planned, it was about something of interest to her! she knew what I was doing! I was following through! IT was hard, and it was interesting.

This was the beginning of something real with the right person! I was not practicing! I was hitting on the real deal! and it was interesting! It was a real move forward for me!

I will follow things up! Honestly I do not know where I stand with this girl! This was the first time I called her by name and talked with her about something and made her laugh!

This event is the beginning of something that will either pan out in a good way, or die out! either way Im going to find out! and thus is the real beginning of the work I started 4 years ago!

For some reason, I do not think the girl Im working on is important to me! she could be! for some reason, Im already seeing strange arrogant signals. However, I caught her picking me in the beginning, and when they are attracted to you they seem to stay that way!.. I have to learn from this experience and keep up the attention!

And I must, I must remember, Im still practicing! I have no idea how long it will take to get my confidence back! I may go through several girls. I have to keep this in mind!

The goal is to hit and run! no staring at her! if Im not going to talk to her; Talk, then walk away! when I talk to her, be funny, be charming, act as if Im on my way out. Make it short, then walk off and don't come back until the next day!

And I hate this part of the interest process! Its grueling. And there are other girls in the world, and I must remember to keep practicing on everyone! Im not at that level yet! However, that is the goal.

-------

Interaction brings up bulling that occurred when I was young. bulling from brutal sociopaths that should have been locked up for life! people that terrorized whole neighborhoods. This was a time I was thrown away, and my brothers were thrown away! we had to move to a new world, a horrible world where we were second class people in a house that did not want us! We were lost throw aways getting ready to be thrown away again.

So, all this girl interaction brings up massive first person PTSD stuff! and this is why I could not interact before! My mind was not ready to interact! and I must remember this and not take myself to seriously!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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