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OMNICELL
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Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
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- October 2019
Im still to young
   Fri Oct 18, 2019 4:36 pm
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Dating:

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Mon Oct 21, 2013 5:51 am

This has never been a good subject for me ( dating) I never understood how I looked to others and I never understood dating. However, I have done some studying on this subject. I am more confident then I used to be! meaning, I practiced today at a meeting, and was not surprised when the person looked back at me with contempt and a fake smile! What they did not know is; It worked. I was able to say hello and look at them in the face and not turn away! so Im practicing. At some point I will take practice seriously! I must trust God.

When I was young, I had a horrible interesting experience. At age 15 I naturally had confidence and was funny and talked my way into the life of the most beautiful stuck up girl at school. I was shocked that she liked me. I was given the chance with her, I could not follow through! and she was not understanding, she simply got rid of me and found a real man! I remember how much work it took to over come her! It took to much work! Something was not right. And something is still not right! It takes to much work! something is wrong!

The problem I had with this girl was; I am not the shallow laughing person Im acting like. Im a real person, with real problems, F#cking grow up!

Now, Im wondering; who is it that Im interested in attracting. What kind of girl am I interested in. the idea was; Im interested in someone that is interested in me! well, that does not always work. Im attracting the wrong kind of people in the wrong kind of places. I have to reevaluate who I am attracting! what kind of girl do I want! its time to write this down. I never thought about it before, because I was not this fare before in attraction. I have attracted many beautiful women. However, they wanted a shallow neanderthal. Im just a decent guy with problems! Im afraid this is not enough for the women Ive attracted. Its my fault. Im the one that attracted them. They picked me! However, I was groomed to be picked as soon as they saw me!

Im a sensitive artist type. Im a nice guy! a real nice guy, not a fake stalker nice type! Im a good person! I have alpha traits if I need them, Im tough and strong and intelligent in personality..

I get offended when I have to act shallow to attract people! shallow, is laughing confident with no problems. Im a grown man in the real world, Im not a laughing sociopath with no remorse! I think about deep troubling things, I live in a deep troubling world! I have a conscious! thats a good thing! and people in this world with a conscious are angry people! they are enraged at what they see happening to people around them! They see the bigger picture! its enough to make you drink yourself to death! I don't drink anymore! and I do not expect a women to put up with my victim attitude. I will act shallow with no problems if that is what it take; then what! and I guess I will have to find out how to fight to keep a relationship!

So, with out being a victim! who do I date. If I stop blaming the women for not being what I hoped she would be, then what do I do! I think the question is; what am I looking for, and where do I find it!

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So this girl I liked in high school, I flaked on her! What Im suggesting first is; Im not blaming someone else for my behavior. I just could not believe that this girl liked me! I could not believe that this girl was down n out enough to stay with me! I knew she could have a much bigger better jock if she wanted one! and she ended up with the stuck up captain of the football rich kid scenario! Did she like me! yes! did I get her at her best! no, I got to her when she had low self esteem and didn't know she could get better!

The strange thing is; I did not follow through! why! PTSD problems.. yes, She started flaking on me! I didn't follow through! I did love her! I had nothing to offer her! that is how I felt. However, I feel that way now. I have nothing to offer anyone! nothing that would be of any interest to anyone. I believe this because the world is a shallow place made for shallow mined people! I need a different kind of person; a unique special kind of person!

This brings me to the next question! My biggest complaint; I have internal self to offer someone, no one is interested. Therefore, I have to make a list of the kind of person I want to be around. I have half the equation. I know the type of sensitive nice person I want to be around! The next problem! economic! or is it a problem! could be my ego! am I ready to find out!

I do not follow through with relationships.. I fall out! Im afraid I have to much baggage to be in a relationship with a stranger!

I feel like a girl would have to be hard up to be with someone of my baggage level! I guess I don't like myself! and Im trying to change this!

I have AVPD problems.. Im finding that the interaction process is what is crippling me! possibly after the initial dating sequences I will get used to someone and relax. I have to go through the dating process, and its the interaction stuff that is causing the problem.. and its up to me to make the moves... so; And I understand that! It takes courage! and Im working on it in one form or another!

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Im getting the understanding that I have to practice! The social aspect is a hard one when it comes to interaction, therefore, I must practice! its not about waiting for someone else to show up! no one needs to show up. I need more practice to over come the initial stage of interactions.. And I believe confidence is gained through practice! and I have proven this through private studies of my own concerning my agenda interests.

I am able to say hello and look people in the eyes a bit better then I used to! I am more relaxed. Things are getting better! It requires more practice; lots of practice! I have the practice tools. and Im starting to study them again with more vigor.
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Music/art; same problem as dating, follow through problems, I get scared and bolt! I never follow through! I get upset using software! especially when I get stuck! I freeze up! and I blow my top! I freak and panic! and go nutts.


Im attempting to go back to being the original interested artist person! I liked myself at that time, and Im trying to make my way back there in my present state, and that hurts, and scars deeply! Im attempting to work my way out of self hatred and contempt, back to a state of loving myself!

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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