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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1025)
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- November 2019
Social skills improving
   Thu Nov 07, 2019 12:51 am
My goal is to work through adolescence.
   Fri Nov 01, 2019 9:16 pm

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Dating

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Oct 24, 2012 12:35 am

Im very close...
interaction has been occurring... Ive started conversations... several women talk to me... some run from me or avoid me then come up and say high to me that I know they are there...

Ive been afraid of women because I would get rejected because they don't see me the way I see me... I would find out the truth.... Im afraid of humiliation. Im afraid the people I thought liked me, never liked me.. They may be around me for other reasons and my self worth will be smashed in again.... Im not who I think I am to women.. Im scared to find out...

They are beautiful to men... a women's beauty takes me over... it drives me crazy... it makes it hard to approach them, as with such beauty they can take me or leave me... However, I know this isn't true... Yet, the truth is not the issue, my feelings are...

im getting less and less afraid... ive been saying hello to many of them and they are talking to me... Im learning small talk... Im just starting, I feel like Im three years old..

had a conversation: a small one with a women todAy.. it went OK.. I have to learn to be less pushy, a bit more transparent.... not so needy.... Its just conversation....

A women sat by me at a meeting... she felt safe doing so... I held my own, it was hard, the PTSD stuff goes off when ever Im close to someone...

I think the sadness is not about dysfunction with women: its letting go of the past, by dating in the present, it is a sign that the past is gone and wont come back..... Im in the middle of this passage.

The women from my past are gone.. and so is the opportunity and revenge for many things.. mainly the loss, the love I felt so deeply... all for nothing.. it hurts beyond my soul, it shatters the very basic concepts of my spirituality... Its as if I was murdered...

Yet, I am healing, and slowly moving forward again... I hope to God its not going to be like my past. Im so afraid of being destroyed again..... Im not good at picking people for friendships or relationships... Im trusting in GOd..

ITs all about letting go of the past and moving into the present.... This is a hard ruff fight right now... and others are not making it any easier by not understanding things...

Confusion : Yet, no confusion... I know exactly what needs to be done, I don't want to feel the grieving pain along with this trek.. I feel like a ghost from my past... Im beginning to understand that I am safer now from my past then when younger..

Safety is everything... Do not want to be torn apart again by falling for or associating with dangerous unsafe people..

I need to evaluate what I look for or what Im attracted to in a relationship... My last attempts at a younger age are sadistic... I ended up with sociopaths.... Sociopaths just like my mum...

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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