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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1020)
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- October 2019
Age doesn't matter; PTSD does
   Sat Oct 12, 2019 11:17 pm
A fear of getting laid; a horrible fear
   Thu Oct 10, 2019 6:44 pm
She thought I was crazy; and she wasn't alone
   Wed Oct 09, 2019 5:00 am
Signs of handling reality
   Mon Oct 07, 2019 9:20 am

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Dating and Art

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm

My 2 goals are intimacy with women and Art.
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The first goal; intimacy with women is starting to show up; I have to continue to write new stories about it; continue to write stories about making out with women, touching women, kissing women, siting with women, holding women; holding hands with women as I walk with them; as I talk with them. Im writing stories about talking to women up close and personal about personal stuff. All my abilities to get up close around people have been shut off; as if I have a phobia with women; its dissociative disorder; and its about getting close to women; its a phobia; Ive had phobias before; its about physical intimacy and relationships; Im being blocked by my nervous system; I dissociate and freak when I started getting around women; I freak out. Not all women; certainly I don't want to be around pathological people; so; thats not what Im talking about; Im not interested in narcissists of any kind. However, trouble makers; sociopaths; I don't want them around me either. As for women; beautiful women that Im attracted to; thats a problem. A real problem; especially if their not single and or pretty and I don't know if their single.
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Im afraid of women that like me; And I have to ask the question why; I was talking to my Spenser about this today; Im scared of women that like me because like means " hate" from my past. those that claimed to like me hated me and were using me; I don't trust it; my nervous system does not trust it. The point;
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I cant talk to them; those women that like me; for the longest time I was mad at them for getting close to me because of what I was suppose to be and do from the past. However, when the past is gone and Im here now; then what! Who am I judging; I have women I wanted to get close to; they wanted to get close to me; I would not let that happen; I ran away; However, I wanted to talk to them but could not; Now Im getting a bit better and have confronted those women and talked to them.
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Im starting to get up in their grill; or their getting in mine to tell me how they feel and Im letting them; so; this is actually a manifestation I was working on; to get close and intimate with women I liked or wanted. and its happening; its manifesting. Now; I have to do more of it. Im more open to allowing interactions.
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The goal is to keep writing stories until I come back to reality into the present and make things happen now. My goal is to come back to the present and make Art happen; Make Art now.
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I have bad old stories; these have allot of control by others and anger and rage and hastily and rage and malice and hatred and horror; no wonder I cant make art. So; I need a new story that suggests Im in control of my life doing what I want to do; with nothing else controlling me... And this starts in my mind..
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Im creating stories of meeting people; walking up to them; being myself; being real; being happy; saying natural nice things; learning to close the conversation.
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So; women and art..... And I can feel the pain and the CPTSD flying in creating a shield over the past I cant get into; And I need into it to resolve what happened that I can be present now. The child in me does not want to go in their because it would ruin the continued fantasy that everything is still Ok when its not. I have to slowly work on accepting the the past is gone; this is one small step at a time. very very small steps for they are rupturing.
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So; writing stories and slowly allowing people to get near and then talking with emotion

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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