| Psychology and Mental Health Forum | |
https://www.psychforums.com/blog/OMNICELL/dating_and_art_b-12923_sid-33d1307dfda23b329e5a7451502cbd6d.html |
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| Author: | OMNICELL [ Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm ] |
| Blog Subject: | Dating and Art |
My 2 goals are intimacy with women and Art. . The first goal; intimacy with women is starting to show up; I have to continue to write new stories about it; continue to write stories about making out with women, touching women, kissing women, siting with women, holding women; holding hands with women as I walk with them; as I talk with them. Im writing stories about talking to women up close and personal about personal stuff. All my abilities to get up close around people have been shut off; as if I have a phobia with women; its dissociative disorder; and its about getting close to women; its a phobia; Ive had phobias before; its about physical intimacy and relationships; Im being blocked by my nervous system; I dissociate and freak when I started getting around women; I freak out. Not all women; certainly I don't want to be around pathological people; so; thats not what Im talking about; Im not interested in narcissists of any kind. However, trouble makers; sociopaths; I don't want them around me either. As for women; beautiful women that Im attracted to; thats a problem. A real problem; especially if their not single and or pretty and I don't know if their single. . Im afraid of women that like me; And I have to ask the question why; I was talking to my Spenser about this today; Im scared of women that like me because like means " hate" from my past. those that claimed to like me hated me and were using me; I don't trust it; my nervous system does not trust it. The point; . I cant talk to them; those women that like me; for the longest time I was mad at them for getting close to me because of what I was suppose to be and do from the past. However, when the past is gone and Im here now; then what! Who am I judging; I have women I wanted to get close to; they wanted to get close to me; I would not let that happen; I ran away; However, I wanted to talk to them but could not; Now Im getting a bit better and have confronted those women and talked to them. . Im starting to get up in their grill; or their getting in mine to tell me how they feel and Im letting them; so; this is actually a manifestation I was working on; to get close and intimate with women I liked or wanted. and its happening; its manifesting. Now; I have to do more of it. Im more open to allowing interactions. . The goal is to keep writing stories until I come back to reality into the present and make things happen now. My goal is to come back to the present and make Art happen; Make Art now. . I have bad old stories; these have allot of control by others and anger and rage and hastily and rage and malice and hatred and horror; no wonder I cant make art. So; I need a new story that suggests Im in control of my life doing what I want to do; with nothing else controlling me... And this starts in my mind.. . Im creating stories of meeting people; walking up to them; being myself; being real; being happy; saying natural nice things; learning to close the conversation. . So; women and art..... And I can feel the pain and the CPTSD flying in creating a shield over the past I cant get into; And I need into it to resolve what happened that I can be present now. The child in me does not want to go in their because it would ruin the continued fantasy that everything is still Ok when its not. I have to slowly work on accepting the the past is gone; this is one small step at a time. very very small steps for they are rupturing. . So; writing stories and slowly allowing people to get near and then talking with emotion |
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