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OMNICELL
Consumer 6
Consumer 6
 
Posts: 1035
Joined: Tue Nov 15, 2011 5:06 am
Blog: View Blog (1009)
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- August 2019
Finding my voice
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 4:47 pm
Three important conversations with women
   Tue Aug 20, 2019 1:39 am
I letting socioapths attack me again; abuse me; feel demoralized
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 11:23 am
Mellowing; and idea of exploring the entrances to the gap...
   Mon Aug 19, 2019 1:20 am
A house and a backyard and 4 walls and a hobby
   Sun Aug 18, 2019 1:09 am
moving into know mans land (positive); and then through
   Fri Aug 16, 2019 9:41 pm
The Gap
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 8:37 pm
Teenage years
   Wed Aug 14, 2019 2:25 am
finding and painting rocks
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 5:14 pm
Expressing my feelings
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 3:26 pm
I know Ive never met any women to date ever....
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 11:02 am
Being alone all of my life with out women or a relationship
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 10:16 am
The wright brothers created plaines; Im creating my new life
   Tue Aug 13, 2019 8:41 am
A new era is starting; But Ive got problems
   Mon Aug 12, 2019 12:19 pm
Signs of the end is here; and a new era starting
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 6:13 pm
Trapped between 2 worlds
   Sun Aug 11, 2019 3:23 pm
Things are getting better; Im still fat; I got a problem
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 11:38 pm
Women have defeated me? and I feel deated? #1
   Fri Aug 09, 2019 6:45 am
Plans from the universe; they have cometh
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:39 pm
breaking things and coming together
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 11:44 am
What am I thinking about
   Wed Aug 07, 2019 4:16 am
That breaking point
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 8:45 pm
Needing my mothers permission
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:47 pm
And another day
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 5:03 pm
Im so right in the middle of the promises
   Tue Aug 06, 2019 4:35 pm
whats missing with music; live playing
   Mon Aug 05, 2019 11:22 pm
Women and John Denver
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 11:33 pm
Bulling
   Sun Aug 04, 2019 1:33 am
art images coming back and other things; taking action
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 8:35 pm
I wasn't suppose to break the my first girls heart....
   Sat Aug 03, 2019 12:47 pm
Take my mother out of the picture; what do I get.
   Fri Aug 02, 2019 11:47 pm
Where am at right now.
   Thu Aug 01, 2019 11:30 am

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Dating and Art

Permanent Linkby OMNICELL on Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:44 pm

My 2 goals are intimacy with women and Art.
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The first goal; intimacy with women is starting to show up; I have to continue to write new stories about it; continue to write stories about making out with women, touching women, kissing women, siting with women, holding women; holding hands with women as I walk with them; as I talk with them. Im writing stories about talking to women up close and personal about personal stuff. All my abilities to get up close around people have been shut off; as if I have a phobia with women; its dissociative disorder; and its about getting close to women; its a phobia; Ive had phobias before; its about physical intimacy and relationships; Im being blocked by my nervous system; I dissociate and freak when I started getting around women; I freak out. Not all women; certainly I don't want to be around pathological people; so; thats not what Im talking about; Im not interested in narcissists of any kind. However, trouble makers; sociopaths; I don't want them around me either. As for women; beautiful women that Im attracted to; thats a problem. A real problem; especially if their not single and or pretty and I don't know if their single.
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Im afraid of women that like me; And I have to ask the question why; I was talking to my Spenser about this today; Im scared of women that like me because like means " hate" from my past. those that claimed to like me hated me and were using me; I don't trust it; my nervous system does not trust it. The point;
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I cant talk to them; those women that like me; for the longest time I was mad at them for getting close to me because of what I was suppose to be and do from the past. However, when the past is gone and Im here now; then what! Who am I judging; I have women I wanted to get close to; they wanted to get close to me; I would not let that happen; I ran away; However, I wanted to talk to them but could not; Now Im getting a bit better and have confronted those women and talked to them.
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Im starting to get up in their grill; or their getting in mine to tell me how they feel and Im letting them; so; this is actually a manifestation I was working on; to get close and intimate with women I liked or wanted. and its happening; its manifesting. Now; I have to do more of it. Im more open to allowing interactions.
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The goal is to keep writing stories until I come back to reality into the present and make things happen now. My goal is to come back to the present and make Art happen; Make Art now.
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I have bad old stories; these have allot of control by others and anger and rage and hastily and rage and malice and hatred and horror; no wonder I cant make art. So; I need a new story that suggests Im in control of my life doing what I want to do; with nothing else controlling me... And this starts in my mind..
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Im creating stories of meeting people; walking up to them; being myself; being real; being happy; saying natural nice things; learning to close the conversation.
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So; women and art..... And I can feel the pain and the CPTSD flying in creating a shield over the past I cant get into; And I need into it to resolve what happened that I can be present now. The child in me does not want to go in their because it would ruin the continued fantasy that everything is still Ok when its not. I have to slowly work on accepting the the past is gone; this is one small step at a time. very very small steps for they are rupturing.
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So; writing stories and slowly allowing people to get near and then talking with emotion

Dissociative Disorder
CPTSD
AVPD; Social avoidance
Previous/Psychotic clinical Depression
agoraphobia
obsessive/compulsive disorder
Evolution didn't stop my death, God did .....Now what?
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